𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 || baxter radic

44.

◈ 𝒎𝒂𝒚𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒆'𝒔 𝒑𝒐𝒗 ◈

Fear doesn't strike me like I expect it to when Bax gets into the driver's side of the car. I oddly feel a comfortableness rush over me. It's like a warm blanket of angel wings are wrapped around the two of us, protecting us from any harm. It's confirmation that Max is here with us, watching over us—always watching over me.

Everything that I came here to gather I had. Bax didn't run. Bax welcomed the story in with open arms. He didn't let a second of my words affect him. Instead he stood tall and strong, letting me get it all out.

That night would always be vivid. One I could easily pull out and recall. Today though, was about making peace. Coming back here for the second time after the accident, being able to let go of that pain made it feel like I could breathe again. I hoped that this would wipe the nightmares away.

I don't know why Bax had said that my nightmares now involve him. I only remember the ones of Max. Not a single nightmare with Bax has remained in the forefront of my mind. Maybe my subconscious knew that I couldn't handle whatever the content was. Because even thinking about something bad happening to him is shattering my heart into a million pieces all over the floor.

"Maybelle," Bax caresses my cheek, pulling me from the thoughts of my sleeps. "I don't really know if sitting on the side of the road is very safe. Do you mind if we at least drive to somewhere with a parking lot?"

I hesitate, looking toward the tree that killed my brother. The hesitation instantly makes Bax stop. He apologizes for even suggesting it. I place my hand lightly against his. "We can go, but I need you to drive." I advert my eyes from the tree and toward Bax.

"May... I—" I cut him off before he can speak any longer.

"Please Baxter." My eyes go soft. I watch the lump in throat jump as he swallows hard, nodding his head slowly. I place a soft kiss to his lips before I slide off his lap and into the passenger seat.

My heart rate picks up, a loud thumping sounding inside my head. I buckle myself in and tug on the seatbelt a few times. A habit I've picked up since the accident. Not that the seatbelt saved us in the last one. I just can't help but checking.

Bax pulls the car into drive and takes off down the road. I close my eyes and place my hand on his thigh. I would much rather hold his hand, but I needed all his focus to be put into driving. I didn't want to distract him for even half of a second.

It's a few minutes before I feel the car veering to a stop. I hold my breath until I hear the gear shifting into park. I slowly open my eyes and look over at Bax. His cheeks are a bright shade of red. I slip my hand from his thigh and cup his face in my palm. He smiles lazily at me. "I'm proud of you."

"Proud of me?" I question him, turning sideways in my seat to look at him. There's a glimmer in his eyes, like he's spent the short drive thinking of every single reason why he loves me. Which I still didn't understand why he did. Even if it felt like we were made for each other, there was always someone better.

"You let me drive you. You came out here. Came to the place that changed the entire course of your life. The course that led you to me, but nonetheless still a direction you never intended it to go." He shrugs. "Just really proud that you were able to let go of the past, at least a little."

"Letting go of the past has only seemed to have been replaced with some other issue." I look out the front window. Snow has started to fall. Little flurries drift through the sky, a light blanket covering the hood of the car.

"The nightmares?" Bax's face flips with confusion.

"Why are you in them now?" As much as I don't want to admit that he is. There was solid proof. Someone had heard me calling his name, screaming his name. It was undeniable.

"Maybe because you fear losing me. I mean think about it May. This entire connection started a bit rough." Bax's face falls as he talks about our past. "Summer in the way, her always holding that over your head. You fear losing the good because when you have good things, they've been ripped from you. The things you love most get ripped from your fingertips and erased like they never existed to begin with."

He wasn't wrong. That was the truth. Max, the person who was my true other half ripped from me so easily. My parents, before the accident so easily ripped away. Summer was a drifting love, so quick to turn her back on me—not that I blamed her for that because I was the same.

I really did fear losing Bax. I don't think that I could emotionally deal with another loss. Even if was a simple break up, if I didn't lose him to death. Every part of me actually believed that I wouldn't be able to claw myself out of the hole that I'd be thrown into.

Bax has become my reason to wake up. He gave me a reason to live. I didn't have anything to fight for before him. I didn't care about myself, I hated myself. I didn't feel worthy of life because of my past, because I was selfish. I had something to look forward to now.

All of the villainess parts of me I wanted to rid myself of. But I feared that if I let go of all of the bad that Bax wouldn't have a reason to stay. He wouldn't need to save me. He wouldn't need to fix me. I would be good and he'd find someone else to fix, or help fix him. Because we were broken together. If one of us was healed, would we really need each other anymore?

We made each other happy, sure. We made each other feel good, of course. But what did we have in common? What were we without fixing the broken? We lived off breaking rules and being a little too much. If we lost that, we'd lose us. Deep down I hoped that this trip would show Bax that I was still a broken little girl that needed him to hold me forever.

People may say that that's a form of manipulation, and sure, it probably was. But at this point, wasn't Bax's and I's entire relationship just a constant void of manipulation. Our entire lives were built of manipulations. It was all the both of us knew. We were pawns in everyone else's games. We weren't driving our lives. Others were. The only true decision we made for ourselves, was this relationship. Would we ever let that good piece go? Would we ever let something break the only true thing we had? Or was it even true at all?