TRAITOR - woosan

23. guts

Wooyoung

As soon as I crossed the door, I could not breathe anymore. The air gets stuck in my throat and my vision becomes blurry. My whole body trembles and a weird feeling emerges in my stomach.

Anxiety. 

It is not the first time, I have experienced this before. It has almost become a habit at some point. Every time the chlorine would fill my nostrils, my senses would instantly react on its own and everything would become black in my mind again. Back to this moment. This bad, ugly, horrible memory. 

The water, everywhere. The feeling of being trapped, of suffocating, of dying... 

I close my eyes, deep breaths. 

I used to avoid this place so much in the past three years, I just could not face my demons. I was so scared that any of this could happen to me again that I would rather isolate myself. 

But I know I need to put this all behind me now. I have to. For Felix. For Hyunjin. For me.

A tear escapes my eye and I wipe it off. I am stronger than this.

I open my eyes and finally have the guts to join the people in the crowd.

***

The truth is that I could not do it for long. 

The crowd.

Screaming every time a swimmer would make his entrance.

The male voice.

Saying all the information about the competition in the microphone.

The swimmers.

Talking to each other about their rivals and their chance to win.

The water.

Moving smoothly under every stroke they would do. 

I thought I could survive all of this but it's too much. Too much all at once. My brain was not able to focus on one thing at a time. I was just feeling overwhelmed. 

My level of stress was increasing every second and I could not do anything about it. Too much. It's just too much. And I hate myself for it. 

Why am I still so scared? Why can I leave everything behind?

I don't understand. I... I want to be alone. I need to be alone.

I sighed and decided to go to the nearest bathroom and lock myself in a small changing room so I could finally breathe.

***

My heartbeat is still fast now and nothing seems to calm it down. I did some breathing exercises earlier but it did not work. The fact that I was so close to the pool, only a few meters away from the water was not of any help, and I could not do anything about it. 

I hear a notification sound interrupting my thought process and look at my phone to see a text from my friend.

Hyunjin

Don't forget to text me his results! I can't wait to congratulate him. 

Thank you again for going, I know it's hard for you xx

I sigh. How can I tell him that I could not do it? That I could not watch any of it. 

I can't deceive him. He has been thanking me nonstop for the past two weeks since I accepted to go on his behalf. I can't let him down, not now that he is finally realizing his dream of being part of a fashion show.