TRAITOR - woosan

18. date night

San

Why is this not working?

I have spent over an hour on this essay and still cannot find the right angle to start writing. Psychology should be an easy class, I love the subject plus I have all the tools I need to get an A. So why can't I find a good thesis then?

I rush my hands into my hair, trying to get rid of all the pressure I'm putting myself under. It's just an essay, you'll be fine...

I sigh.

The truth is this assignment is not my only preoccupation.

Since last week, I've been thinking a lot about the upcoming swimming competition. Everyone is talking about it, it has not been a class where someone did not mention it to me.

"You'll get the gold I'm sure of it!"

"Are you stressed about next week? It must be so much pressure."

"Don't make a fool of yourself, everybody is counting on you."

And because of that, I started to overthink it a bit too much.

It just feels like I am new to the competition world which in reality, I'm not. I used to do a lot of swim training and competitions back in high school. I should be used to these things. Why am I so anxious about it then? I should be confident about swimming in front of everyone by now. I should not feel so powerless...

A part of me really wants to prove myself in front of the whole campus.

And the other part cannot even focus on swimming.

Just the thought of admitting it makes me want to scream. Why is life so complicated?

I leave my desk to fall on the bed next to me. I could fall asleep right here and then, I am honestly so tired. I've been doing insomnia quite a lot this time around. I feel like I am losing control of myself over and over again.

And now I stare at the ceiling completely overwhelmed.

Well...

Maybe Wooyoung has been a lot on my mind in the past 72 hours. Just today, I kept walking into the school hoping we could bump into each other by coincidence. I finally returned home after wasting thirty minutes of my time searching for him after my last class.

Not that I regret saying to him that we should go our separate ways but... Okay yeah, I kinda regret it now. This whole Wooyoung thing is too much for me; at the same time, it's everything I need. I can't even put my feelings into words, it's just so unexpected. I only know that I feel better whenever he is around.

"Better," I whisper.

Something has clearly changed between us (for me at least) and now I have to deal with whatever this is.

I need time, that's all.

But right now I really need to finish this text so I can move on to some other things. I shift my sight from my laptop to the ceiling again and sight, discouraged. Then I stand up on my bed to take my water bottle from the bag next to me. Maybe the water will relax my headache.

Even after drinking the water, my head still hurts too much to think. Deep breath San, you can do it. You've always managed to do so.

Maybe I should text one of my friends in the class to get some help. I look at the screen of my phone and notice the number of notifications I received.

All coming from one person.

Liza

My class finished early, we can meet somewhere.