Frenemies

33

Grayson is trying to walk around his house as I have my arms wrapped around his torso. I love hugging him, he is so warm and so much bigger than me that it makes me feel protected. He walks toward the living room and attempts to take a seat on the couch. I let go off him and he sits down and it's not long before I sit next to him, my legs tangled up in his. 

He moves a lock of my hair out of my eye,"You know you are very clingy, Julie?" 

"I love hugging you", I admit with a laugh and he smiles leaning toward me for a kiss. 

"Ew", a voice pulls us away and we turn to see Stacie standing in front of the doorway with her hand in Nathan's. Unlike her, Nathan smiles brightly when he sees me and comes racing toward me. I laugh as he jumps on my lap. 

Nathan hugs my neck and then turns toward his brother,"Are we going to have Julie forever?"

I melt at his question, Nathan had started to get attached to me lately. Thruthfully, he has been attached to me ever since I came to his house two months ago. Grayson turns to me, his smile big and says,"If she wants to be around us forever."

There is a glimmer in his eyes that I so desperately try to match. I'm good at matching my energy with others, I match my enegry with my friends all the time which leads us to have so much more fun together. It's hard me to match my emtions with others though.

And even though Grayson hasn't fully directed it to me, I know that he loves me. Everytime I try to think about reciprocating, I think about all the disappointing looks I get from him whenever I see something that triggers me.

I haven't cut myself in a week, and it has been hard. Everytime I feel a surge of emotions, I head to my bathroom in search of something, but I come up short. And then when I walk out of my room and toward my parents, a thought climbs into my mind. Pathetic, it screams and I halt my steps.

And so I stay frozen there in the middle of the hallway until my hands find my phone and I'm dialing Grayson. He answers quick if he isn't at work and the first time it happned a few days ago I walked to my room and climbed into my bed with my phone.

"I feel...", I trail off and he would pick up by my tone what I'm trying to express.

"Place your hand on your heart", he says to me and I do. "Do you feel it beating?"

"I do, a little too fast", I answer him feeling my heartbeat.

"Okay, take deep breaths in and out", he says and when I try I start whimpering. I press a hand to my mouth to conceal the noise.

"Let it out", he says referring to the hand on my mouth. "It's okay to cry, baby."

"I feel pathetic", I had admitted. That's why I do it. I don't want to feel pathetic.

"You're not, God, Julie you're the smartest girl I've ever been with and the most amazing", he says and I feel my heart beat slowing with the softness of his voice. "Whatever voice in your head is telling you that, I need you to tell it that it's wrong. Repeat the previous words I've said to you. And it may sound a little ridiculous saying it to yourself, but trust me, it will help."

"Grayson?", I asked him after a long moment.

"I'm here", he says and I place my hand on my heart.

"My heart beat slowed", I tell him.

"Good job, Juliette", he says and I bury myself in my blanket.

"I don't think I want to use you for this everytime it happens", I say after a while and he chuckles.

"I'd rather you use me than an object", he had said and I had nodded. "Okay?", he asks for confirmation and I reply back with an yes.

Nathan's voice brings me back from my thoughts. "Are you staying forever, Julie?", he repeats.