Observation - Cillian Murphy

Different

The voice of the narrator filled the silent room. "Now," she paused. "Close your eyes and breathe in. Focus on how your stomach rises and falls with each breath."

I closed my eyes, listening to the instructor.

As she spoke further, I immersed myself in my thoughts, forgetting about my breathing and surroundings.

After the embarrassing party incident, I decided to take over my life and myself. Being exactly a month and three weeks clean of all the bad habits I'd practiced, I wanted to better the world around me.

It occurred to me that I needed a cleanse for years. Surprisingly enough, my insomnia seemed to leave my body as I dived deeper within my spiritual practices.

Once I devoted myself to something, I became heavily obsessed with it. I wished I could love myself the same way I obsessed. It was never enough for me and for the people I chose to love.

I haven't eaten for days. I haven't had my favorite ginger tea every evening. I pressed my stomach hard once it begged me. The idea of 'eating healthy' transformed into something more meaningful than just counting calories and avoiding sugar.

I haven't spoken to anyone ever since the stupid party either. Well, except for my Agent, who insisted I got prepared for future premieres and presses of my film. To be fair, I enjoyed it. I liked to be alone, to live in silence but with a constant narration in my head. It was good to self-cleanse.

Sometimes, the words wouldn't express everything you wanted to communicate, so I stayed silent. In the library, at home, near the paparazzi, close to my friends, online. However, I felt liberated to open my mouth at my spiritual practices every evening.

The sky had turned darker by the time I had finished my daily meditation ritual. I walked a few blocks to meet up with a new friend I'd made during my healing journey, who worked at the best gallery in London. Nika wore red Bayonetta glasses, tiny rectangular frames, and had long blonde hair. She always wore it loose, never up. Her vibe somehow balanced me, as did the gallery.

As Nika noticed me among the crowd, she beamed and tilted her head to the side. "Hi, Rochelle!" she said.

"I missed you. Hey," I replied, smiling back. Nika's eyes were drowning in baby blue eye shadow. She adjusted the knitted scarf on her neck when eyeing my simple outfit: a raven mini skirt and an opaque top.

"You're good? Everything okay?" Nika asked.

I nodded. "Yeah... yeah, I am. What about you?"

Nika looked back at her assistant. "You know.. the usual shit. It's like they can't work on their own there..." She sighed in annoyance. "Oh god! Rochelle, enjoy the opening. I have to go babysit the damn adults there." Nika smiled, leaving me alone with my thoughts again.

I chose to take my time and observe each painting. Almost invisible lamps lit up the room, bringing a unique atmosphere to a mysterious setting. Orchids decorated each corner, and thin strips lit up the art pieces on the walls.

A pretty installation, consisting of three parts, fell atop the corner of the soulless panels, excluding one on the other side. I walked closer to it, reading the caption and creator's name.

MARUA

"WHEN WE LOSE A PERSON, WE ALSO LOSE A SMALL PART OF OURSELVES THAT ONLY UNCOVERED IN THEIR PRESENCE."

I glanced back at the artwork- the third piece represented the parting of the personality. The entire fragment seemed simple as cherry red lines morphed into each other and became thicker at different sides of the painting.

Like a light trance, I couldn't take my gaze off the scarlet lines. The formed patterns moved when I squeezed my eyes. They reminded me of Cillian, of that imperfectly perfect man in my eyes.

I tried shaking him off my mind, as I always did for the past month and three weeks, but then I couldn't bring myself to. After all, it mattered who you thought of when staring at an art piece in the exhibition.

Somehow, the thoughts of him chased me further. It was true he brought out someone else in me, someone different. Perhaps I was more myself around Cillian than when I was on my own, which caused me to turn away from him.