Observation - Cillian Murphy

Loneliness

Endless hours of work passed yet I still couldn't sleep. The days dwindled on forever and did not end. Perhaps, it was a week after the Yoga scene when I realised I needed a sense of direction.

I tossed back and forth in my bed, finally meeting my face with the ceiling. The gentle spring weather drastically changed, a slight tapping sound forming against the window. The curtains gently swayed, welcoming plenty of air while shielding my room from the storm.

The rain was falling on the street, emptying and forcing the people out of sight. Distant honking and shouting sounds played against the monotonous rain.

I was surprised to have a lot of time on my hands after coming out of set last night, as we've been enormously filming since the previous week.

Staring at my ceiling, I quickly got up to grab the suitcase. I found myself a bit shaken by how fast I rose from the bed, seeing an unfamiliar aura that slowly dissolved before my eyes.

Steaming through my bag, I found a raven denim skirt, a ruffled black shirt and matching platforms. I quickly threw the clothes on and picked up my mini-bag.

By the time I had gone out of my suite, the rain had stopped. Tiny puddles formed under my feet as I tried exploring the city on my own. Alone.

And that made me feel free; I wasn't under anyone's control. I could walk and behave on my own.

As the thought passed, I glanced to the right and saw the beaming logo of the cafe; 'Rood Amsterdam,' I read in my thoughts, chuckling at how one of the letters lost its glow.

People chatted, sitting in chairs, smoking while drinking. They looked happy, amused and satisfied enough with their lives. It was something I'd always lacked.

I walked inside, finding the spot to pass through the crowd. In a place like this, my soul still felt isolated from everyone. I wanted to bury that feeling and never come back to it.

Red lights lit up half of the room. They ran down the shining decor and polished round tables. A large bar stand covered the first part of the cafe while the other side brought out the yellow color on the people's faces that sat at the miniature tables with their friends. The jazz music blasted through the tiny speakers in each corner of the lounge, loud enough you couldn't hear yourself speak.

I came closer to the counter, eyeing the sandwich I wanted the most.

"Broodje kroket, please!" I yelled out, reaching for my wallet.

The sandwich consisted of a deep-fried kroket, also known as 'croquette,' that originated in France and its cuisine. This kroket gets stuffed inside a soft bread roll and drizzled over with spices.

Opening the cafe door, I took a large bite of the sandwich, licking away the mustard from my lips. It tasted flavorful and comforting, slowly bringing me into a trance.

I could slightly see the bright moon following me as I walked, setting the sky to darkness with the stars. Soon the cold night would descend and dissolve the tiny cloud gradually in the plum sky. I felt somewhat nostalgic, pausing at the moment. The cold wind whispered through my clothes as I reflected within.

Loneliness has followed me my entire life. Everywhere. From my childhood and Mother to my current lifestyle with insomnia and Cillian. (he was still a problem.)

I knew there was no escape; I'd have to cope and push myself through it eventually. I feared the inevitable anger and violence stemming from it, and it was getting stronger as the days passed.

Rushing through the almost-rainy Amsterdam, I stopped in front of a milky-colored boutique, wondering if they had the tweed blazer and a skirt with two belts from the showcase in my size.

I got the pieces and also a tiny purse that matched them. The cold wind enveloped my hair as I stepped out of the shop, swinging the strands with the bag sideways.

An hour later, I walked out of another boutique with more clothes. The sky had turned completely dark. Instantly, I felt my phone ring in my pocket.

I looked at it, swiping right to answer the incoming call.

"Hey, Rochelle," Alex spoke.

I breathed. "What's up?"

"What are you doing right now?" he asked in a rush.

"Shopping," I replied, stretching out the word.

"Look, I've got these tickets to a concert happening tomorrow. Wanna come?"