Observation - Cillian Murphy

To Scream or Not to Scream

Thursday came sooner than I thought. I walked into the audition room with my portfolio and a smile.

The room was small. A chocolate-mint wallpaper enveloped it around. Rays of light fell on a spacious desk at the side of the room. It was vintage looking, perfectly paired with a chair of its own. A humongous bookshelf stood at the back of the room, in front of which the crew members sat.

I wore a simple dark shirt and black jeans. Nothing too fancy for an audition. Looking down at the paper, I re-read the lines for the character they'd given me: Villanelle from Killing Eve. I still remember vividly re-watching the series last month.

"Rochelle Vion." The casting director voiced as I walked in front of the table.

He was in his 30s, tall, with a sharp jawline but an overall kind-looking face.

One of the workers placed a camera in front of me. With a script in her hands, the lady began staring at me.

I looked back at my agent, who'd been standing by the door the entire time. Angela nodded, saying 'Start.'

I whispered. "Excuse me."

"Sorry. Do you need to get past?" The lady replied, reading off her paper.

"No. I need your help." I looked up with a puzzled face, trying to trick my interviewer.

"Right. Sorry. I don't think I can-" She robotically continued.

"That man out there-" I pointed in front. "He's my stepfather. He did this to me-" I pointed at my face in fear, trying to evoke pity with eyes of my own.

"Oh...dear me." The lady read.

"Please... I need someone to help me get out of here without him seeing. If I could just walk behind you..." I felt my eyes watering. I needed to get that role.

The lady continued speaking in boredom. "Oh gosh...I...don't...I'm not. Oh god. Alright. Stay behind me."

"Don't look at him! He's completely lost his mind." I exclaimed.

The lady closed the scene. "Oh, my god."

Anxiously, I smiled. The tall man had been watching me with furrowed brows. Something told me he was not impressed. After all, he sat in nothing but silence.

I walked out of the building with a bitter feeling in my heart. I was shocked, furious almost- no one's ever treated me like this (only at the beginning of my career). What was happening?

I took out a cigarette and lit it up, trying to remember the previous event.

When the camera started rolling, I tried connecting with Villanelle as much as possible. I mimicked the character's movement. Everything was genuine. I couldn't understand what was wrong. Was my acting not enough?

It occurred to me I was becoming older. My skills began wrinkling like the edges of the paper in my bag. I sighed deeply. I was hopeless! What if this was my final acting experience, and after it, I'd have to pack my bags and leave?

Seeing the beige walls of my apartment worked like a tranquil pill for me. After taking off my shoes, I quickly rushed to my bed and fell on its covers. The fresh smell of flowers enveloped me instantly. It was hard to comprehend or think, but just resting would help.

I sat up in a lotus pose and took my pillow. Slowly, I brought it to my face. Hesitating whether to scream, I stared at it for a long minute.

Finally, I yelled as loud as I could into the cushion, expressing all of the anger inside of me. It was unfair how I was treated by everyone this week! I just wanted simple respect reciprocated.

"It was stupid," I spoke over the phone an hour later. Kate had left for New York. I was alone, all alone in such a boring city.

She laughed over the line. "It's fine! Chelle, who cares? This isn't the end of your career. You can literally act better than those overrated actors." Kate spoke.

I breathed. "Yes, you're rig-"

My call was cut off by the attempts of my agent to phone me. I swiped up. "Kate, my agent is calling. I have to answer."

In a second, a strict voice spoke to me. "Hello, Rochelle. I want to meet you in my office soon. We have to speak about your new gigs."

"Hello. Yes, anytime." I replied.

"Alright then, my assistant will inform you of the essential information."