What We Deserve

Part 13: Code Silver

Staring at my diplomas and photos of me with various celebrities- I feel broken inside.

Demoted.

Hmmph...demoted because I pulled a Max.

Because I cared too much.

Because I wanted to make a bloody difference for once in my life.

I can't believe it.

It hurts so terribly.

Brantley really had it out for me- but how did she know?

How did she know I took my patient to a safe injection sight?

There's something else I'm missing.

Someone else at play here.

"Helen!! I came as soon as I heard! If Brantley thinks she can demote you and strip your titles from you then she and the board have another thing coming...."

"She can and she already has, Max." I say and look at him sorrowfully.

"No...I won't allow this- you did nothing wrong. I will go back to the board..."

"It was unanimous. Honestly Max, I'm lucky I wasn't fired." He comes up towards me and becomes all defensive.

"Fire you?! You think I would let that happen? If they're demoting you then they can demote me too and..."

"Oh stop it Max! I don't need you coming in here acting all tough and brave and trying to purge yourself and fix everything- I just need time to think." I say and his head cocks to the side.

"Think...think about what?" His confusion hurts me. I've been by his side loyally for over nearly two years now and he has yet to actually notice me and how I feel towards him.

He's beyond oblivious and yet completely complicit.

Telling me sweet nothings all the time like they're factual little nuggets he would tell anyone.

"What...what am I still doing here?"

"I can fix this. We can get your chair back, deputy- in the meantime time there's your programs, your patients need you here...I...I need you here." There's that small glimmer of need and want- but very little truth behind it.

"And what about what I need?" His big blue eyes widen with confusion and pain. "Cause I don't think I'm going to find it at New Amsterdam."

"A...are you...are you seriously...con...considering leaving?" He's so close to me that I can see a small shake run through him as his body tries to stiffen up and play brave as he waits for my answer.

"I'm...I'm looking for a reason to stay....and right now...I can't find one." Walking past him, I can't look in his eyes any more. It hurts too much and I know my words have only hurt him just as bad.

"Helen..." He turns and looks at me deep in my eyes and I feel I may just break.

"Max...just...please go. I...I don't have anything more to say..."

"Is...is it m..."

"Please, Max—I don't want to..."

Reveal how I have always felt about you.

Admit my guilt to living while your wife died.

To loving your daughter as she was my own.

And dreaming of you every waking and sleeping hour.

"How can I fix this...how can I h..."

"By leaving. Just go-Max...please." He searches my eyes and sighs heavily before turning to head to the door. Once there, he turns back and opens his mouth to speak, but thinks better of it.