What We Deserve

Part 32: Evaluation Proclaimations

Looking at Max, my heart makes my chest feel extremely heavy right now as I look at him.

"You're the pain?" I reiterate and he looks down at his feet and shakes his head for a few moments.

"I'm sorry."

"Max, when you say you're the pain- what is the intention behind it?" He blankly stares at me- unsure of his own answer. "Does it mean that your entire body just hurts and it's as a result of the accident... or pain as in you're mentally in pain? Depressed, stressed, anxious? What do you mean?"

"Yeah...the second one..." His eyes seem to fill with tears and I get up and go to him cautiously.

"Do...do you feel...you know...like you don't want to...be here any more." He looks at me painfully and I put my hand out for him and he slowly takes it.

"Some times..." No.

No, this is not good.

"Do you feel that way...because...
because of something specific?"

"I...I don't know...."

"How do you feel right now?"

His eyes search mine, pleading and looking for answers I don't have.

"It's alright-just talk to me. Trust me."

"G...guilty...."

"Guilty."

"Yeah."

"Because you're with me..." He closes his eyes and takes a few short shallow breathes. "Guilty because you're enjoying our time together...when I used to just be your doctor...and Georgia...was here."

Tears come from his closed eyes and line his cheeks with stains.

"Have you spoken with Castries about this?" He nods, his eyes still closed.
"What does she think about it."

He shakes his head and refuses to answer.When his eyes open, they're all red and tearful. He slowly lets go of my hand and it just hurts me.

"Huh...so you need me to go- give you space? Time to think? Time to consider if you really want anything to do with me?" I bite slightly and his mouth parts slightly.

"N...I...." He stammers and looks half defeated and ready to give up and half wanting to fight his monsters and keep me.

"Trust me, Max- if anyone here feels guilty—it's me. I've felt guilty for a long time when it has come to you, and Luna, and Georgia- above anything else. I pleaded with God and begged him to make me just see you as any other man I work with. I begged him to let me move on from you because you were married. And when the accident happened- I prayed to God the entire time to just take me so you and Luna and Georgia could be happy and healthy and safe. It should have been me in the casket. Not Georgia. Not those two young EMTs. They didn't deserve that. Luna didn't deserve to lose her Mother and you didn't deserve to lose your wife. What was it all for? What was the point?" His eyes search mine, his lips part slightly and I think back to what Penny told me. "I went to FernWay- I dealt with these feelings of guilt, grief, and simply hating myself for loving someone I felt deserved better than me. I worked through the trauma of being abused by someone I trusted. I gave up on holding back fears and trying to accept that I am who I am and that makes me perfect in the most imperfect way. Because you have to own all your faults and fears to live the best life you can."

He watches me as I go back and sit on the couch.

"I can sit here all weekend and love you and tell you everything is alright—and for the most part that will all be true. However, you still won't be satisfied. You will still struggle to be intimate with me. You will still challenge yourself in allowing yourself to move forward and be happy and overall it's because you still have this notion that how you feel is wrong." I cross my one leg over the other and lean into the back of the couch. "You can't help who you fall in love with, Max. What's important is that no matter the time line- you fell in love with me while you were married—BUT you didn't act on it. Did you? No. It wasn't loving me that took Georgia's life. Was it? No. It was all medical. We know this. We know these facts. You built up walls after her death to try and preserve something that didn't need preserving. You isolated yourself to try and deal with your emotions- but all you did was continue to box them up and hide. I stepped in front of a bloody gun for you to just go for it and show you I loved you whether you will ever trust yourself to love me back. So Max, I understand your pain and guilt and grief—but you're still not processing it. Your supposed therapist is making things worse for you. I have my own theories on her practice and frankly- she's doing more harm than good."