What We Deserve

Part 23: Hearts and Letters

He stayed on the ground for what seemed like forever and all I could do was join him. We sat in silence on the evening dew and stared up at the people who filled the south windows of the facility.

"If you'd like to talk...you can do so freely." I state and he says nothing. "Alright...then I'll talk and you can listen if you'd like. I've been out of country for ten years. I fell in love with a man who was not only my boss, but my patient. He was married and had a baby on the way and his wife ended up dying leaving him to be a single father and me to live with guilt in my heart for loving him and living through something traumatic that she couldn't. Though I really miss now none of that was cause for my guilt- I still feel it every day because he put out there that he had some sort of feeling for me as well. Before I came here- I stepped in front of a gun twice for that very same man and the second time I took a bullet through my brain head for him. He's dealing with PtSD because of me and I'm at risk of losing everything I worked hard for because some organization thinks I tried to kill myself- when at the end of it- I did it to show that same very daft man I loved him. Before I left, he kissed me and since then- I don't know if he has feelings for me or is shagging some other woman. I'm scared to leave here and find out and all I do here is try and continue helping everyone else but myself because I'm afraid if I step back into his world- I'm going to find out he in fact does not love me while at the same time losing everything I had because of a stupid impulsive idea. I sit around here reading psychology books and filling my brain with froo froo mumbo jumbo and shoot it back out at you lot because it makes me feel useful when in fact I'm far from it. I'm far into the deep end of barmy town and I feel I'm the only one there. All of you are all normal I'm comparison and the longer I stay here the more I begin to think I should just stay. Avoid going home and facing reality because reality isn't fair- we can toss fair out the window- because fair isn't everyone gets what they think they deserve, fair is getting what we need which is never the same as what we want nor what others think they need or deserve. Fair doesn't truly exist and to think so makes you a numpty. So I am therefore a barmy numpty and you should be my doctor."

After a few minutes he just looks at me and shakes his head before laying back on the grass. I do the same and we stare up at the pink evening sky without much more than nature speaking to us.

"I assume they want to send me home because I'm trying to do their jobs for them." I state and sigh heavily, tucking my arms under my head.

"I think I should step in front of the postman next time he comes up the lane way."

"Zay..."

"Please stop."

"What's so terrible that you've done that makes you like this?" I ask and he looks at me, slightly angered, but mostly upset.

"You heard June- I killed a baby."

"I doubt that."

"You weren't here's you don't know."

"Then tell me."

"You're not my doctor." When he says it, I think of Max after I pushed him off onto Stauton. He was beyond hurt and pissed by my actions and didn't understand it was out of love that I passed him off.

Not malice or contempt.

"No, but I'm a friend and I just fished out all my insecurities. So don't ya think it's my turn?"

"I'm nineteen and for the rest of my life- if people hear the name Zay Stone- they're going to think the worst of me." He states and I reach out beside me and I take his hand in mine.

"Tell me...the truth. I won't judge you."

"Phhh..."

"I won't. Cross my heart and hope to die." He stays quiet and after a few minutes, he sighs before beginning.