What We Deserve

Part 76: The Winds Change and So Do We

I feel I've been asleep for years and yet, it's only been a day.

The sedative Val gave me really knocked me out and I can't say it wasn't appreciated.

Ig took the kids for the night apparently.

Told the night shift nurse that I was to remain in bed and in the hospital until she seen him the next morning.

Funny.

The thought that I would be able to move let alone rouse myself from the sedation.

Sitting in his office this morning, the kids still at his home with Martin- I stare out the window and try to just remind myself to be calm.

Always calm and always ready for anything.

Coming over to me with two cups of tea he had Gladys make up, Iggy sits across from me and smiles patiently.

"So, um...I called Max's parents this morning before you came up." He informs me. I say nothing. I just stare at him expectantly.

Waiting to hear what they know.

What he told them.

And what the fate of everything will be.

"They are going to come down a stay with you- at least until Max gets back. They'll take the kids for you in the day or just if you need to sleep. I discussed things with Val and we both agreed that your work schedule for a while should be limited to only half the week. We don't want the extra stress of this place adding to what you already have." I say nothing as I stare at him and he sighs- most likely wishing I would argue or cry or say something to contribute to this escapade of nonsense, but I don't. "Helen, we don't want to medicate you for your depression because it's to high a risk for your babies- so we think outpatient therapy may be the best for you, as well as light yoga and meditation."

"Have you heard from him?" I ask finally and Iggy just sighs and sadly smiles.

"No, neither have Jim or Emilea. They didn't even know he was gone. He hasn't contacted anyone or reached out. I'm sorry, Helen. I know this isn't easy, but it'll be alright." I feel so numb right now.

"I ruined this."

"Helen, no you..."

"He disappears after I opened my mouth and tried to just...just do what I thought was best instead of just listening to him- again. Why am I this way? Why can't I just accept help or trust that when he says to drop something, I drop it? What is wrong with me as a person that I can't just...give in and let someone else be in charge?"

"Because you were raised to be self sufficient and independent. People often rely on you because you have the ambition and courage to lead and take charge. Those aren't bad qualities at all. Not at all. However, Helen-you forget that there are other ways to make things easy and perfect- to make people happy."

"I just, huh, I just wanted Max to know I'm trying to make him happy and heard and learn from past mistakes that hurt him. I just wanted him to see that I love him so much that I'm willing to suffer for my wrong doings towards him. He is beyond sweet. He is the brightest light in my delusional darkness. I'm so scared I'll lose him...but here I am fucking this up to try and keep him that I have quite literally lost him."

"The thing about marriage and trying to make them happy ones, is knowing that it's okay to not always make every day a happy one. Healthy marriages aren't about never fighting or standing up for your own needs and beliefs. Happy, long lasting, meaningful marriages have those hard pissed off days. It has arguments and silent nights and anger. Frustration. If in your relationship- you never argue or have fights- then that means it isn't a healthy or happy one. Because someone is silently suffering and silently giving into something they may not be happy with. This whole idea that happiness and bliss comes from peace isn't factual. I don't know why everyone believes it has to be no arguments or fights or disagreements. It's impractical. My grandparents argued every single day of their life. You would have thought they hated each other- but no. There's a reason people say 'you two argue like an old married couple'. Because those old people got to grow old together by standing for what they wanted, arguing their sides, while also accepting that their partner is equal and deserving to be heard for their own opinions. You and Max have a great thing, but it can be better and healthier if ya just fight a bit and argue. Be heard, but also listen. Max doesn't know how to do that- how to not give in to you- because you my dear are the queen of fighting- at least ya used to be. Any more you seem to have gone soft." He goads me slightly and I can't help but smirk. "He thought you lost your fight. You think you fight too much and he doesn't fight at all- you both need to just have it out every once in a while even if it's over stupid shit. Martin and I argue at least once everyday just to make sure the other is listening. And at the end of the day, we put the arguments away and go to be with peace and love in our bed."