What We Deserve

Part 74: A Time Out

The sectional- as beautiful as it is and as soft as it feels- is a bloody nightmare to sleep on.

Not only could I not sleep due to my racing thoughts about my horrid behavior towards Max.

But the teal suede monster I once loved- seems to have lost its touch with overall comfort.

All night I tossed and turned and had to switch which part of the couch I slept on- none of which appeased the Beans.

Getting up early- which wasn't necessarily getting up in the sense of waking up, but just physically leaving the sofa- I sneak upstairs to grab clothes and my toothbrush as well as some other personal hygienic things. As I open the door to my room, I find- begrudgingly so- Max sitting up in bed looking just as tired as me.

"Oh...Sorry- I'm just grabbing some things. I'll be quick." I ashamedly state as I still tip toe across the floor, despite not needing too.

"Helen, can you just come here?" He tiredly and groggily asks as he rubs one eye and stretches out his other hand. I remain in my spot and shake my head. "This is ridiculous. Honey, just come over here and talk to me."

"It's not ridiculous. Max, how I behaved towards you was unacceptable and it obviously hurt if after two years you brought it back up."

"Lauren technically brought it up."

"And you commented on how you truly felt. So...so I'm very sorry Max but no. I can't just come over and talk to you because I know you. You'll forgive me whether it's justified or not and you'll try to appease me because not only am I pregnant, but because you're beyond sweet and you don't want to have drama between us. And as much as I appreciate all of that about you— you deserve better. So no, I'm still in time out until I can fully..."

"Punish yourself? Is that what you were gonna say?" He says slightly angered at me, but he remains in his spot.

"That's part of it...yes." I tiredly agree and he shakes his head and begins getting out of bed. "Please...don't. Please."

"So I can't even be near you? I can't even say hi to the babies? Or give you a kiss?"

"Think of it as pandemic rules. 6 feet."

"That is ridiculous and you know it." He half laughs and half growls as he says this- the frustration pooling in him.

"I need to work on myself, Max."

"So...so what does that mean? If you want six feet between us- how is that going to happen? We have kids. We work together. I love you and I love being near you...how does this work? How do you punish yourself for something that occurred two years ago?"

"It's not just about forcing myself on you, Max. It's about...huh..." I sigh heavily and look off passed him for a moment or two- trying to rake my brain about how to explain this to him. "It's about all the little things that I do that bother you that you are too sweet a husband to ask me to be different. It's about attitudes and...and how I deal with everything. You might not think this is a big deal- you may truly believe that—but to me and to how our children see us interacting— I don't want them to grow up seeing all the things I do that make you feel less than or that hurt you and you won't say anything about. I don't listen to you, Max—not in the sense you need. Ironically now is one of those moments—but...huh...but do you understand why I need the space? This time out?"

Sighing heavily, he closes his eyes for a moment or two before sitting on the edge of the bed and slowly nodding.

"It's about what Joel said last night. About the emotions and stuff...isn't it?"

"Parts...but it's also very much about you and your happiness."

"Well I'm not happy- Helen. I'm not happy that you want to punish yourself like this. I'm not happy that I can't express my love to you, even in this moment or for the foreseeable future because of this punishment shit." He speaks frankly and I sympathize with him.