Seasons

Awakened

Anntonia's POV:

I woke up in the soft, comfortable feeling of a mattr---
 

A mattress? I thought..?
 

"You're awake."
 

I looked at Miss Laos, who was already wearing her bathrobe and was busy fixing her hair.
 

"Uh.."
 

"So, yeah. Michelle brought you here around 10 p.m. last night. Fab heard somewhere that the organization was checking if the girls are in their designated rooms and are resting well for this day's preliminary show. It turned out to be true. Luckily, Michelle brought you here just in the right time, or else..."
 

"What?"
 

"Nah, just buffing. Since you managed to be back here, there's no need to worry."
 

"How did she do it?" I asked, staring blankly at the wall while I was stroking my hair as I try to remember what happened.

"Do what? Oh! She carried you in her arms, of course. Wow. If you just saw how calmed she was while carrying you, you'll be in awe."
 

I nodded at her and went inside the bathroom. I don't know why I'm feeling grumpy all of a sudden. 
 

The day for the preliminaries has come, and I actually wish that she'll be the first person I'll see when I open my eyes, but no. I pouted at the thought.
 

Yesterday, I went to her room because I wanted to talk to her. I even asked Fabienne if it's alright to have their whole room with Michelle because I have to do something very important. Miss Indonesia immediately agreed without asking any questions, saying that we can switch rooms or crash another candidates' room.

I rarely had an interaction with Michelle yesterday, aside from the discussion we had when we were waiting for the rehearsal to start. I was just looking at her from afar for the rest of the day, observing how she enjoys the company of their group, especially Miss Nicaragua and Miss Mexico. 

I feel like I was longing too much that day. I decided to convince myself that I am not just used to not having her attention, but during lunch time, I just stared at her because we were sitting in separate groups. I saw how blank her expression was while waiting for their groupmates to sit with them. She's just looking everywhere, like she was observing them. Not even a pinch of emotion was evident in her face not until she saw me. She smiled at me and waved her hand cutely.
 

I did the same before looking away.

There's no point in denying it. I actually felt something. I'd be fooling myself forever if I continued denying it.
 

It was on my mind the whole afternoon, and I even had a bad time focusing on the rehearsal.

When I headed back to the hotel, I was thinking of calling my mom but eventually ended up not mentioning that, well, I am probably decided.
 

Then, I saw this tweet from Khun Amanda on her private account on X. It was four days ago, but it was a retweet about the song by Taylor Swift titled 'Everything Has Changed.'
 

I felt like I had to play the song, hoping that it could make me relate to my current situation. I hitched my breath when a specific part suddenly played.

(Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift: Playing)

🎶 And all I feel
In my stomach, is butterflies
The beautiful kind, making up for lost time
Taking flight, making me feel like.. 🎶

That's it. I'm done.

I shut the music player off and hurriedly changed my clothes into something more comfortable. After that, I stuffed my face in the pillow and screamed my frustrations out.
 

The flashbacks are coming at me. All the things she did, all the moments she made sure that she was protecting me well, her adorable smile that radiates so much positivity, our intense banter and the teasing stares between that, all of it came back to my memory.
 

This is not what I expected to receive when I won the national title. I did not also even imagine that this was what I'd get when we reunited.
 

But I just can't manipulate my own mind into thinking that I do not feel anything about her. It's just getting difficult as I continue to believe that I only see her as a friend.
 

When all I want is to be held gently by her, like she always does.
 

I had this instinct that I suddenly got up from the bed with a shock written all over my face. I stared at my feet for a good enough second before I found myself leaving my room.
 

Right, I must talk to her about this. There's no way I'll be a coward. That is not Anntonia.
 

You either fear only one or you fear both. It's all just fear. I recalled what she said last morning and used it to convince myself that I was doing what I should be doing.
 

And then, yeah, I saw Fabienne before I even reached their room. I asked if it's alright to have Michelle all by myself. She agreed instantly and walked with me until we reached their room.
 

Fab first entered their room and yelled to inform Michelle that I was here. My hands were cold, and I know that my face became so pale. I suddenly lost all the confidence I had in my body.
 

I do not even know what I was doing; I just appeared, I saw her, and then my heart was racing hysterically, but my purpose was gone when she showed me her tablet and was welcomed by Samantha's face.
 

I seriously missed her. So I grabbed that chance to catch up with her and talk to her like those old good times.
 

It only lasted for a few minutes because she was called for a photoshoot, I guess. 
 

So it's literally me and Michelle. Only the two of us.
 
 
She was busy checking her camera, while I was having a hard time to breathe, so I had to compose myself. 
 

I got up from her bed and approached her. I wanted to face her and ask if we could talk, but I ended up resting my head on her back. I feel like I've lost my strength.
 

"Done?" I heard Michelle, who was not moving to let me stay in this position. I gripped her shirt to keep myself from bursting out. 
 

Her voice doesn't do any good. It's making my emotions grow and become more uncontrollable. She talks to me so fondly; how am I supposed to react like it is not giving me too much feels?
 

I was trying not to say anything about how I feel. I felt like it wasn't the right time, and if I do say it now, I would end up confessing everything without pausing. I don't want to overwhelm her.
 

See? I must have never felt this in the first place. It's making me look pathetic.
 

My mind became blank and empty, and I felt so lost when she faced me. This is the closest I've ever been to her today. 
 

I didn't even know how I ended up being cuddled by her. I was filled with her securing arms, and all I can do is close my eyes.
 

I don't want to keep hiding.
 

I really might have fallen from the start. Destiny might have just wanted me to go through the process, to go through it all, because in that way... I would have known that I have so much love for her, so much that I never thought I was capable of having.
 

A love that I do not plan to tell you.

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A/N:
Team Duwag through and through 🤩🤩🤩