After Effects

Chapter 44. - A Haunted House with Broken Bodies on the Floor

!This chapter contains heavy description of what an autistic meltdown can look like!

"I think i'm gonna stay home tonight, but you guys can just go out. I really need to be alone for a bit and think things through." I told the boys with a tired smile while running my hand through my hair. The day had run late so now it was already dark. 

"Yeah, i'm gonna stay too. I'm fucking wrecked." Nace yawned which made both Bojan, Jure and I yawn too. "C'mon." Nace said and swung his arm around my shoulders. We took a bus back to the hotel so the boys could take the car and grabbed some stuff from a grocery store on the way. Nace was in need of a new toothbrush and i was in need of a cheap bottle of wine, so it was a win-win. 

We went to our floor. Just as i was about to unlock my door i head Nace's voice. 

"You sure you're okay with the whole Sophie thing?" He asked,his keycard in hand. 

"Mmhmm. I'm just bummed about how the public acts about it." 

"Yeah, i get that." 

"I'm sorry that this is gonna ruin our odds with the public votes." 

"Don't be, it's not your fault." 

"It is though. I shouldn't have gone out with her in the first place. It was too risky to begin with." I said as i unlocked my door and cracked it open. 

"You're allowed to date. People shouldn't go around and invade your privacy like that." 

"But it wasn't private. I kissed her in a very public place." I explained to Nace. 

"That's not how that works. First off, it's illegal to share pictures without consent - especially intimate ones. Second off, you can be affectionate in public. Doesn't mean that people have the right to do what they did." Nace said. "You have nothing to be at fault for. It's not like you knew that was gonna happen." 

"No, but i should've known. It was pretty obvious with all the media attention we've gotten lately." 

"No it wasn't. Don't you think Gregor or one of us would've said something if that was the case?" I shrugged my shoulders at his question. 

"Goodnight Nacko." 

"Night." He smiled and disappeared into his room. I did the same. 

I kicked off my shoes and quickly took off all my clothes so i was only in my underwear and proceeded to go to the bathroom where i spend what felt like a lifetime trying to get clean. I scrubbed my hands, my arms, my neck, upper chest, i even took off my bra and scrubbed my shoulders and collarbones. I scrubbed my skin red with soap, scratched the soap into my skin with my nails to get clean from the bus. 

My mom would tell me to stop scrubbing so hard unless i was trying to get a rash. In truth i rather wanted a rash than the feeling of all the bacterias covering my body. It felt like i had been dipped in hot wax and just could get it off. 

The worst part about obsessions and compulsions were the contamination aspect of them. An obsession with germs and your brain feeding the delusion that you're actually able to feel the bacteria on your body was tortur. So to get rid of the obsession and gnawing feeling i would often try my best to get clean. That's why i kept a hand sanitizer with at all times, why i'd go wash my hands after every single concert, hated shaking hands or high fives. Weirdly enough i didn't feel distressed when it came to kissing and sex when that actually one of the dirtiest (figuratively and literally speaking) actions on could do. Within a 10 second kiss 80 million bacterias would be exchanged, so why the fuck wasn't i brushing my teeth with bleach after a makeout session?!