After Effects

Chapter 45. - Suffocating Feelings

Tuva's POV

I woke up with the sun shining through the thick curtains and directly into my eyes. I looked over my shoulder as i rubbed my eye. I didn't expect to see a sleeping Kris with one arm under my waist and the other on his pillow. He was clearly in a deep sleep. I had no idea of how he had gotten into Bojan's and I room, let alone our bed. He was fully clothed. How in the world could he sleep like that? 

I slowly turned around to face his body. He was lying on his back. My eyes felt heavy and my body was still waking up from the deep sleep. Some of his curly hair got in his face so i gently stroked it behind his ears like he so often did himself. Kris looked so pretty, especially in the morning light. 

Where was Bojan? What was the time? I looked at my phone. 09.28 o'clock. Still lots of time before any of the boys would be up. I swear those boys could sleep for days. 

I put it down again, letting my eyes just rest on Kris' peaceful face as he slept. I wanted this calm moment to never end. The soft morning sun made it feel like a dream. I just laid there for some time enjoying the little fantasy of everything being okay between us. Right now Kris was asleep and deep into another univers. Right now we weren't fighting or arguing or on non-speaking terms, we just were. And it felt really nice to just have things like they used to be in this moment. 

I traced my fingers along his features. His cheekbones, his nose, his jawline, his eyebrows. Kris looked like a sleeping fox. I really wanted to cuddle into him, have his arms around me and my head on his chest as i listened to his heartbeat and felt him breathing... That was really all i wanted in this moment... But i still hated him for the things he said. I resented every word that came out his mouth yesterday. Whether he really meant those things or not he still said them. And i knew there were some truths hidden in there. It might not be that he found me as annoying or 'much' as he expressed, but he certainly felt burdened by my presence to some extend. He certainly didn't feel good about our friendship to some extend. 

The things he was saying wasn't just something he said in the moment due to anger or frustration... Those things had been building up and it was his thoughts and his emotions and his experience and his opinion and his feeling exploding after a long time of bottling them up. And i couldn't even blame him for it because it wasn't his fault. 

Kris had every right to feel that way... 

And he was far from the only one... 

I got up from the bed, a headache hitting me like a slap as soon as i sat up. I never got hangovers so if the memory loss wasn't indication enough i knew i had gotten totally shitfaced last night. 

"Fuck." I whispered and rubbed my eyes. I ran my hands through my hair and on my face before looking around the room. It looked like someone had broken in and tried to steal some fucking government documents. 

I quietly got dressed, brushed my teeth, my hair and took off the smeared makeup on my face. I could feel that i had been crying yesterday from the way the area around my eyes and cheeks felt almost stiff. Even the bathroom was so messy and torn apart that it would at least take 1 hours to clean it up. As i found my deodorant on the floor and pulled my shirt off i felt something sting on my upper arm. When i looked i suddenly remembered something from last night. 

"Here. Sit there." Kris' voice gently told me to. I slumped down on the toilet and Kris knelt down in front of me, fiddling with something in his hands. The horrible taste of puke still lingering on my tongue. "Put your hand here." He said as he tapped his shoulder. I did as told and Kris began gently wrapping my arm in bandage.