After Effects

Chapter 16. - The First Warning Sign

As soon as we had left stage i ran to the bathroom. I really needed to wash off all the hands and bacteria of that crowd. I ended up washing each of my arms 5 times. I just couldn't get the feeling of hands off of my body. It was like a virus trying to take over my body. 

As i was drying off my shoulder with paper towels i felt a heaviness in my body. I was so tired despite using half the day in bed. My thought turned off for a moment as i sank into a deep state of nothingness. No thoughts. No emotions. No nothing. 

"Tuva, you comin' or what?" I heard a familiar voice say through the locked toilet door. How long had i zoned out for? I took a look at my phone. 7 minutes. Plus the 20 minutes i spend scrubbing my arms red. 

I unlocked the toilet door and stepped out. Jan was waiting for me, cigarette in hand. 

"Are you allowed to smoke inside?" It was a rhetorical question. He was not. 

"Stop acting like you wouldn't die for a cigarette right now, you little bacteria freak." Jan smiled quietly. He dug into his pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes and offered me one. I couldn't resist myself. I took one from his pack and placed it in between my lips. Jan lit my cigarette for me, getting really close to me. His lighter was a fliplighter with a picture of Metallica on it. It was actually a really cool lighter and i was so jealous of him for owning it. I breathed in the cigarette smoke, feeling the smoke fill my lungs, the taste setting in my throat and on my tongue. I remember the first time i tried a cigarette. It was at this small gathering in a park, involving a lot of alcohol and drugs. My friend Zala, tried to convince me to do MDMA but i refused. Instead she gave me a cigarette. As soon as i took my first drag i threw up from the taste and the alcohol.  Now the taste had become a comfort to me. It had become familiar and safe. 

"We're gonna go out to get a couple of drinks, do you wanna join?" Jan asked me letting go of cigarette smoke in his lungs. "The guys from Wild Youth and some of the other contestants are joining. It'll be a good time to make friends." He told me. 

"I'll think about it. Honestly i'm really tired and i need energy for tomorrow." I took a drag from the cigarette. Tomorrow evening we were supposed to travel to Madrid. We hadn't been home in Slovenia for about 2 weeks now and that wasn't a long time but Eurovision was a lot of work. It took me energy i just didn't have. There was a lot of new things all the time, sounds and noises. It was hard to completely let go. Especially because i knew i had to get ready and prepare myself for whatever came next. Whether it was an interview, press conference, performance, soundcheck, a party. There was always something to do and something going on. It was draining. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. 

Jan nodded and took another drag from his cigarette. I did the same. We continued to smoke our cigarettes in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable at all. We were just enjoying each others company as we were having a relieving smoke. Once in a while we'd hurry back into the toilet when a staff member walked by. Together we walked back into the venue. ALIKA was currently performing. She was the Estonian representative for this year. Her vocals was to die for and her song was so incredibly inspiring. I honestly really hoped she'd come all the way to the final and get a good place. She at least had to be in the top 10. 

Of what i've heard, Alika was a very sweet and funny person to be around. I hoped to get the chance to talk to her. If i joined the band tonight on that little outing, maybe she'd be there too? The 6 of us all danced and sang along to the other performers. We were enjoying our time here. I was dancing my Jure and Jan. They swung me around and let me lead in a little dance we did. One second i was spinning Jure around, laughter filling the air around us, the next i felt myself become overwhelmed with a wave of exhaustion. Just as the second last performance walked on stage i felt my mind slip away from me.