Infinitely

Sarah is grounded

I'm sitting with Eliza that night as she works on her latest craft project. Jonas is at Claire's but he left the Wifi on so I have my laptop open to the only website I'm really allowed to look at anymore: Pinterest. Eliza's busy moving around as she cuts out quilt pieces from some old t-shirts and not really paying attention to what I'm doing but she looks over often enough that I know it's too risky to look at anything else.

Which is fine with me because one thing I've learned about Pinterest is that people never really read the captions that go with the pictures. Even so I set up a secret board where I could pin things that no one else could see. Then, instead of writing a stupid caption for each picture I write a little note to Charlotte telling her about my life. I invited her to share the secret board with me but she never joined so she hasn't seen it yet.

Even so, keeping this board is like a diary for me. It's the only thing I can do that's within the rules so I won't get in trouble for doing it – unlike always trying to sneak away to get on my phone. Still I know Eliza is nosy and she'll peek over my shoulder sometimes as I'm working on it so I've filled the board with pictures of baby rooms.

"That's so fancy," Eliza says as I'm picking out a new picture to pin.

"I just like the colors," I shrug. "You're right, a baby doesn't need all of that," I turn to smile at her. She smiles back at me but it fades quickly.

"You're alright with waiting until you graduate, right?" Eliza asks. "It's not upsetting you that you can't get pregnant right away?"

"Oh, no," I laugh. "I mean, I want to have lots of kids but it's not that long to wait. It's what's best for the family anyway."

"You're so good, Sarah," Eliza looks really sad. "Do you think there's any reason you didn't get pregnant last month?"

"No?" I shake my head. I haven't had a night with Jonas since I got my period two weeks ago. It's been such a relief and none of the other wives can be mad at me now.

"Just checking," Eliza says. "If you do think there's something wrong though, we can look into it you know. You don't have to keep it a secret."

"I think it's too soon to worry," I don't know what else to say. I've never wanted to get pregnant and have no idea how doing that would be different from having sex and not wanting to get pregnant but it's not like I was really trying or knew I was supposed to want that.

"You're probably right," Eliza nods and takes a deep breath. "Anyway, why don't you see if there are some ideas for how to decorate your room? We haven't really done much for you."

"Alright," I agree and turn back to my computer. It would look really weird if I spent all my time pinning stuff to secret boards so I've tried to balance it out so no one gets suspicious. Eliza isn't the only one in the family who loves Pinterest – the other sister wives use it too and so do some of my mothers.

"The Prophet has asked us to visit Copper Creek this weekend," Eliza tells me. I can't imagine why my dad would want us to visit the polygamist compound but I'm glad it's the nicer of the two secret communities the members of my church live in.

"Will I get to see my family?" I ask, trying to think of a reason to get excited about this.

"Yes, he wants everyone to be there," Eliza says.

"Okay," I don't know if I should be happy or not. My father hasn't ever invited everyone to meet at once. I wonder if he's up to something.

"Sarah?" Jonas's voice calls out as the back door of the house opens.

"In here!" Eliza and I yell back at the same time.

"Can I borrow you?" Jonas appears in the dining room doorway. I look at Eliza but it's not like she can give me permission.