Infinitely

Goodbye, Sarah

There's a kind of panic that sets in as soon as Justin says he's going to bed. Luke and I are left alone in the dining room, surrounded by pies. I suddenly can't think of a single thing to say to him.

"Your hair is longer," Luke says.

"Yeah, I should get that cut," I nod.

"I like it," he shrugs.

"It's going to get ratty," I run my fingers through the ends. Neither one of us says anything for a few minutes after that. So many things go through my mind, one of them being that I'm glad I bought new clothes with Charlotte so I at least know I look okay right now.

"So," Luke sighs.

"So," I repeat. I don't know why this is so hard.

"How's Utah?" he asks.

"Boring," I say. "Really boring."

"Charlotte said you're living with some family members?" Luke asks.

"Kind of," I'm not sure I can lie to Luke but I don't want to talk about this. I'm not actually sure I really want to be sitting here with him right now. For months I've tried to get him out of my head and having him in front of me again is like agony. He's here, but he's not anymore mine than he was when we were apart.

"You seem kind of sad," Luke says.

"I'm not sad," I shake my head. "I'm fine."

"Okay," Luke shrugs. "Well, I guess I should go since we're done eating and all," he says.

"Don't go," I sigh. I should let him leave but I don't want to remember this night like this. Could this be the last time I ever see Luke?

"I don't really know what to say to you, Sarah," Luke sighs. "You won't talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?" I demand.

"Anything!" Luke says. "You told me we had to break up, then told me you changed your mind and then you just disappeared, Sarah. After we'd already broken up and gotten back together once."

"I'm sorry," I suddenly don't feel well at all.

"I am too," Luke shakes his head. "And angry and confused."

"Don't be angry," I beg. "I don't need anyone else to be mad at me right now."

"What did you think would happen?" Luke asks. "I had no idea you were just going to leave."

"I didn't mean to," I sigh. "I wanted to tell you everything, I just didn't know how."

"See this is what I mean," Luke narrows his eyes. "You say these things and it's all just more drama. You want to tell me everything then just tell me everything, don't make it sound so mysterious and important."

"It's not just drama, Luke," I push my chair back. "You want to go? Just go."

"No, tell me what's going on," Luke stands up too. "Why did you leave here? And why are you all happy quotes and religion on your Twitter but totally miserable in real life?"

"I can't talk about this with you," I shake my head. My stomach is really upset, not like I might be sick but like my cramps have gotten a thousand times worse. "I need to lie down," I decide but my vision blurs as I'm trying to walk toward the couch and I have to grab the wall to steady myself.

"Are you okay?" Luke asks.

"Yeah, it's just," I almost don't want to tell him because I'm so tired of having everyone know but Luke's always been so sweet about it. He's got two sisters so he's not afraid of it. "It's my period," I sigh.