Infinitely

Sarah, I have to ask you something

All I want to do is put everything that happened between me and Colin behind me. I'm sure the fact that I'm not pregnant is a gift and that the Lord is blessing me with the opportunity to have a fresh start. This time I won't mess it up.


On my younger sister's birthday we drive down to my parents house so we can be there for the wedding. Becca keeps her arms crossed the whole time we're trying to help her get dressed and won't speak to or look at any of us. She wears the same dress I wore when I married Justin which is strange because it seems tained now. I'm almost afraid she won't behave duringthe wedding but she does and my father marries her to Colin for time and all eternity.


Colin holds Becca's hand and is very sweet to her all through lunch afterwards. It seems like even Becca isn't immune to Colin and his ways as she lets him kiss her cheek right there in front of everyone. I try not to watch, but he catches me looking and gives me the kind of smile that makes me feel dirty. After that I do everything I can to avoid him until it's time for us to gohome.


Now I'm more dedicated than ever to getting my new life right. I try everything I can think of to make myself a valuable part of the family. Since Claire is still depressed I spend most of my time taking care of her kids. I figure out that as long as I stay busy I don't have time to think about the things I miss.


"Are you excited to go see Charlotte?" Jonas asks one night when we're lying in bed. I'm trying to make myself love him and sometimes I think maybe it will work one day. If I try hard enough.


"Maybe a little," I shrug. The truth is that I don't really want to go. It's going to be hard to be around my sister knowing she's judging everything I do. But then I think maybe she just needs a reminder, that this is my chance to make everything right for her again like I should have done the first time.


"I know it's hard, but we have to just keep praying for them," Jonas says, kissing my hand.


"I do, all the time," I tell him.


Some days I have to just pray for myself. As much as I want to do the right thing and make only good choices it's so hard to keep my thoughts in check. Especially when I'm not paying careful attention.


I wake up that morning drenched in sweat. Never in my life have I ever had a sex dream but I did that night. Both Colin and Luke were there and I can't get the images out of my mind. I also can't get my body to stop wanting and I know it's awful but I wake up Jonas. He doesn't seem to care - and no matter how guilty I feel about it I can't stop myself from thinking about the others the whole time.


"I need to shower," I jump up right away but Jonas grabs me.


"Don't be embarrassed," he says. "It's okay to want me."


"I just have to get to school," I insist.


I'm sure those kinds of thoughts will fade but they haunt me all day. I keep picturing Colin's eyes and imagining his lips on my neck. It's awful sitting in class trying to wish it would all go away. And what makes it worse is missing Luke. I'd thought for sure I was done thinking of him but I suddenly remember all the time we spent lying in my bed on those nights he would sneak into Charlotte's house to see me and I started to believe maybe there was a reason he was in my life and it wasn't just that I was a dirty sinner.


These things keep me so wrapped up that when school ends I start walking home without even noticing what's going on at the other end of the football field. I'm almost halfway across before Kimber grabs me.


"Sarah! Didn't you hear the announcement?" she demands. I shake my head. "Look," she points across the field and I see the team of police officers and yellow tape blocking my path home.


"What happened?" I ask her.


"Obviously, we don't know yet," Kimber says. "But the principal said to go around."


"Okay," I look at the police officers one more time and see that they have dogs out, sniffing the ground. "Do you think it's drugs?" I ask her.


"Oh my heck, I hope not," Kimber shakes her head. "Do you want a ride home? My mom is picking me up today."


"Sure," I agree.


Eliza's waiting on the front porch when Kimber and her mom drop me off. She comes rushing out.


"I'm so glad you got a ride," she says and thanks Kimber's mom over and over again. "I came home as soon as I knew the police were looking around."


"Probably just some boys causing trouble," Kimber's mom laughs.


"Let's hope," Eliza agrees. "Sarah, let's go in," she puts her arm around me like she's afraid I might run away.


"Is everyone okay?" I ask her.


"Just worried," Eliza says. "With the FBI investigation going on I think we're all a little jumpy. Jonas doesn't think this is related, he says one of our neighbor's dogs dug something up on a walk."


"What was it?" I ask, watching as she locks and bolts the front door behind us.


"No one will say," Eliza shrugs. "But I think it's best if we stay inside, away from all of it, don't you?"


"Of course," I have a bad feeling about this but I can't imagine why it's bothering me. What kinds of bad things could really happen here? Hurricane is impossibly boring. I'm sure whatever happened is no worse than the stuff that happened during lunch at my school in L.A.


"I was thinking we could work on a quilt for your sister," Eliza says, heading for the dining room.


"Maybe I should go check on Claire," I suggest.


"Oh, well, okay," Eliza nods. "Do you have the pictures of the baby's room?" she asks.


"Yeah, Charlotte pinned them for me," I remember. I start to pull the pictures up but then I remember I put them on my secret Pinterest board and that I don't want Eliza to be see the rest of the pictures on there. It takes a minute but I move them all somewhere safe so Eliza can see the colors for her quilt.


"Perfect," Eliza claps her hands. "It's so cute, and I know just the right quilt pattern," she insists.


"I'll just be at Claire's if you need me," I tell her.


As I'm crossing the yard I hear a helicopter flying over. It's still daylight out but they have a big searchlight that they're pointing toward the irrigation ditch on the other side of the neighborhood. I wonder again what the police found and start walking a little faster.


Claire isn't in her bed when I get to the house so I change her sheets and go around picking up the morning's mess. The little kids wake up from their afternoon nap and we're sitting in the kitchen having a snack when Claire comes downstairs. She's still in her nightgown and has her bathrobe pulled around her.


"Hey," I try to ignore the dark circles under her eyes. "Tridger is learning to pray," I tell her.


"Sarah," Claire's voice sounds choked and I look up. She's crying and holding something toward me.


"What's wrong?" I ask.


"Look," she says. I stand up, picking up the baby, and look at what Claire's holding. It's a pregnancy test and it's positive.


"Oh shit," I don't mean to swear but it slips out. If she notices, Claire doesn't even flinch.


"I can't," she tells me.


"Claire, it's fine," I promise. "I know you probably wanted to wait, but you'll be okay."


"Sarah, I can't," she grabs my arm. I have to look her in the eyes.


"I don't think you have a choice," I tell her and for some reason it breaks my heart.


"Do you know how to drive?" she asks.


"I can," I nod.


"You can take me then," she says. "Somewhere they can fix this."


"Claire, no," I realize what she's asking. "Let's talk to Jonas, okay? Maybe he can make you feel better about all this. He could give you a blessing, maybe."


"Why won't you help me?" she digs her fingers into my arm.


"Claire, let go," I demand.


"Sarah, you have to help me," Claire doesn't let go.


"Claire, you're hurting me!" I gasp.


"Claire!" Jenna shouts from the door. It startles both of us and Claire lets go of me. "What are you doing?" Jenna demands.


"She's pregnant," I say immediately. I don't know why those are the first words out of my mouth but they are.


"Oh, thank God," Jenna sighs. "Now we can have normal Claire back," she tells me.


"What?" I look at Claire. She doesn't look any more normal than before.


"I don't know," Jenna shrugs. "Something about the hormones. She's always happy when she's pregnant."


"That doesn't sound right," I protest.


"It's fine," Jenna helps Tridger out of his highchair. "Let's go play next door. Claire, why don't you go lie down?"


"Okay," Claire mumbles and goes back upstairs.


"Should I call Jonas?" I ask as I follow Jenna to her house with the baby on my hip.


"He'll be home soon," Jenna insists.


It's snowing by the time I finish helping Jenna get dinner ready. Eliza and Jonas bring Claire over when they come and by the time the other wives have all their kids undressed from tromping through the show the house is full and almost so loud I can't hear myself think.


"Did Claire tell you?" I ask Eliza as soon as I can talk to her. She nods.


"I'm okay, you don't have to check on me," Eliza insists. "This is okay."


"I'm worried about her," I confess.


"Jonas can handle her," Eliza shakes her head. I wish I could believe her but she's promised that before. Claire obviously needs help but all Jonas did was get her pregnant again. Jeffrey is barely 3 months old. I can't blame her for not wanting to have another baby so soon.


Then I realize what I've let myself think and bite my tongue as hard as I can. Of course Jonas can handle it, I shouldn't question that. And there's no reason Claire shouldn't be happy to have another baby. Why can't I get my mind to stop taking me dangerous places?


I make it through dinner and nighttime prayers okay. Eliza and I walk home after that and she goes to work on the quilt for Charlotte. I follow, just to see what she's doing and because I'm not sure I want to be alone yet.


"See I thought," Eliza is starting to explain when there's a knock on the door. We both stare at eachother for a minute.


"Should we open that?" I ask her.


"I don't know," Eliza's eyes are wide. "Jonas isn't here, I don't feel like it's safe," she says.


"Okay," I can feel my heart racing. Whoever's at the door knocks again.


"What should we do?" Eliza asks.


"Maybe I can just look and see who's there?" I suggest. Eliza looks terrified but I do my best to stay out of view from the windows as I go to peek outside. "It's the police," I realize.


"No," Eliza whispers. "Oh, Sarah, now we have to open the door," she sighs. I wait for her to get a little closer before I start to unlock the door. "Just don't step outside the house, they can't come inside unless we say it's okay."


"We're sorry to bother you," the police officer says right away. "Sister, is your husband here?"


"He just went next door to help out with a clogged drain," Eliza lies like it's easy. "If you want to come back, he should be here in a little while."


"Thank you, we'll do that," The officer nods. "But while we're here, do you mind if we ask a few questions?"


"I don't think we'll be able to help, but I guess," Eliza smiles at him.


"We're just following up on some things we found over by the school," The officer says. "We'd just like to talk to all the neighbors and see if they've heard or seen anything unusual in that area or nearby during the last few weeks. Can you think of anything different you've seen or anyone you don't know hanging around?"


"No, of course not," Eliza insists. "Sarah walks to school that way every day. You haven't seen anything, have you?"


"No, it's all the same as always," I agree. I really haven't seen anything weird, but it's not like I pay tons of attention either.


"Alright, well we'll come back to chat with your husband later on but thank you," the officer smiles and turns to leave. His partner stops him.


"What's that on your arm?" he asks me pointing to my right arm.


"Oh, my neighbor's cat," I lie. I didn't realize that Claire had scratched me earlier but she left a few red marks.


"Better clean it up before it gets infected," the officer warns me. I nod and they say goodbye again. Eliza shuts the door behind them and locks it again.


"I've never been so scared in my life," she whispers. "I thought for sure we were going to be taken away."


"Nothing happened, we're okay," I hug her.


"What's on your arm?" Eliza asks.


"Claire scratched me earlier," I don't want to tell Eliza the whole story and fortunately she doesn't ask.


"I think I'm ready for bed," she decides. "My nerves can't take any more today."


I wish I could take one of Eliza's sleeping pills because I can't fall asleep that night. Whenever I do I wake up just a few minutes later. Claire's pale face keeps coming back to me. I know I should be happy but I can't believe she's pregnant again. It just feels wrong. Am I jealous or just worried? I can't tell.


Morning seems to come early after I've had such a hard time sleeping. I drag myself to school, hoping to put all of last night's weirdness behind me but I'm not that lucky. Jonas insists on driving me to school and when I get there everyone is whispering about what the police might have found behind the football field. No one seems to know anything for sure so the rumors fly.


"My father heard it was a knife," Kimber tells us at lunch. That makes me feel worse than I had before. I'm sure it can't really be serious but I can't shake the bad feeling I have about the whole thing.


I wish I could walk home that afternoon but Eliza picks me up and I have to stare at the snow through the car window. I missed snow the whole time I lived in L.A. and even though people keep complaining that it's too early in the season for us to have weather this cold I kind of like it. I take some pictures to post on my instagram account when I get home.


If things were bad at school that day they're even worse the next day. The rumors are really out of control now and I can't decide what to think. Most of it seems too crazy to be true. A lot of people are saying they're looking for a dead body, which makes sense when I remember the helicopter that flew over, but I can't decide who's right about what they found. Almost everyone thinks it's some kind of bloody weapon but a few people think it might be a body part.


It's not until our principal comes over the loudspeaker that afternoon that I realize how serious things might be.


"Given recent events near school grounds and our responsibility to keep our students safe, we've decided to cancel all our Halloween activities for this weekend," she says. I still wasn't sure things were that bad but they must be if the school is going to cancel the football game and Halloween party.


Jonas picks me up after school but he seems distracted as we pull away from the school parking lot. I'm not used to seeing him worry and for some reason it really makes me nervous.


"Have you heard back from my father about taking another wife?" I ask, hoping that will cheer him up.


"Eliza's asked me to wait," Jonas sighs. "It's up to her now."


"Oh, did she say why?" I bite my tongue when I feel relieved by his answer. I should be happy about the chance to have a new sister wife.


"Not really," Jonas sighs again. "Sarah, I have to ask you something."


"Okay," I realize that Jonas isn't really looking at me. Of course he's driving, but he hasn't glanced my way even once.


"Have you heard anything at school about whatever happened behind the football field?" he asks.


"Just rumors," I tell him. "It all seems too crazy to be true though, like this is Hurricane, Utah, you know?"


"I mean, did you hear anything before the police started looking around?" Jonas changes his question. "Or see anything?"


"No, no one was talking about it until the police showed up," I say. Jonas finally turns to look at me and nods.


"Okay," he seems happy with that answer and takes my hand. It's kind of a risky thing to do out in public but I won't correct him, that wouldn't be right.


Dinner that night is at Eliza's and since it's a Friday everyone hangs out afterwards for longer than usual. Eliza's made a pumpkin chocolate cake and it's so good I let myself have a whole piece.


"I've always thought it was a waste to have those trees back there," Jonas's voice filters through the other conversations. "It was just asking for trouble."


A sudden wave of guilt hits me right then and I feel so awful I actually have to throw up. That little patch of trees behind the football field is where I begged Colin to fuck me after the Homecoming Dance. Jonas is right, that place was asking for trouble.


No matter how hard I try to block it out the memory of that night plays in my head. I keep seeing Colin's face and imagining his hands on me. The way I feel when I think about him is so wrong - I'm married and now he is too - but I still want him. It makes no sense that I should even like him after some of the things he's said to me and yet For just a second I wish he'd said yes when I asked him to run away with me.


I rinse my mouth and force myself to pretend everything's okay when I leave the bathroom. Only Jenna seems to have noticed that I went running off in the first place and she brings me a glass of water.


"So," she says, a knowing grin on her face. Can a girl not ever just throw up without everyone assuming she's pregnant?


"I think I had too much cake," I shrug. She raises her eyebrows at me. "No, really, I just had my period, there's no way."


"Alright," Jenna smiles, like I'm the stupidest person alive.


"Can you imagine if 4 of us were pregnant at once?" I shake my head.


"I know," Jenna laughs. "Especially with the twins on the way."


"Yeah," I never really get a chance to forget that Jenna's having twins but for some reason that really hits me tonight. Jonas is about to have 4 new babies. That's 17 kids, and I don't think he plans to stop anytime soon. What was it Colin said about the people on the compound having a nickname for him?


"You'll get your chance," Jenna rubs my arm, like she thinks I'm sad. "Don't worry, Jonas can wait a little longer."


"Thanks," I try to swallow but my mouth is dry. "You know, I think I need to lay down, maybe I'm getting sick."


"Maybe," Jenna says in a teasing way. If it's supposed to cheer me up it doesn't work.


I get in bed and try to will myself to sleep. That also does not work and I find myself thinking about Colin, no matter how hard I bite down on my tongue or pinch myself. They're not naughty thoughts this time, just curious ones. I wonder what kind of husband he is and if Becca will be able to be happy with him. Then I wonder if he'll be happy with her and if he's the type who's going to try and keep his wives pregnant all the time.


That night I have another dream about Colin and Luke. When I wake up this time I'm alone and there's nothing I can do to stop feeling guilty. But how can I control my thoughts when I'm asleep if I can't keep them straight when I'm awake? I decide the only solution is not to sleep but to sit up and make myself stay awake where I can at least focus on keeping my thoughts pure.


My plan fails miserably and I wake up with sunshine streaming in through the windows. But at least I feel like I finally got some sleep. I get dressed and go downstairs to where Eliza is making pancakes, like she does every Saturday. Jonas is with us and he makes me kiss him even though he almost never kisses the wives in front of each other.


"Feeling better?" he asks.


"Yeah, I guess," I shrug.


"Jenna said you were sick," Eliza gives me a strange look as she puts my plate on the table.


"I was, too much cake," I insist.


"Is that all?" Jonas asks.


"You know I just had my period," I will never stop hating that my every period is public knowledge in our house.


"Maybe you should take a test just to be sure," Eliza says.


"Whatever, I'm not pregnant," I insist. I slouch in my chair, completely uninterested in my pancakes now.


There's a knock on the front door and we all freeze. I sit up again and Eliza sits down next to me as Jonas stands up.


"Just relax," he says but he doesn't look relaxed as he goes to open the door."Morning, Officers," he says, sounding like his cheerful self.


"Morning, Brother," the officer says. "We're sorry to interrupt your breakfast, but we were hoping to ask you and your niece some questions. Can we come in?"


"I don't know," Jonas starts to shake his head.


"Is there somewhere we can speak to you privately?" the officer asks. Jonas takes a deep breath but steps onto the porch. Eliza lets out a muffled whimpering sound but nothing happens. Jonas calmly pulls the door behind him so it's not quite.


"If you leave your house they can arrest you," Eliza whispers to me. "This is it, they're taking him away."


"If they wanted to arrest him they would show up with a warrant," I'm not completely sure that's true but it sounds right to me.


"I hope so," Eliza bends her head like she's about to pray but Jonas opens the door again and her head flies up.


Jonas leads the police officers over to our table and motions for them to sit down. He looks anxious but sits on the other side of me and reaches across the table to take Eliza's hand.


"These officers just want to ask you a few questions, Sarah," Jonas clears his throat.


"We just want to know if you've heard anything you think maybe the police should know," the officer says. "Think back over the past few weeks. Can you think of anything like that?"


"No," I shake my head.


"You can't think of any guys you've heard bragging about certain things they did?" the officer asks.


"No, not at all," I tell him. "I really don't hang out with any guys."


"Then what about your girl friends," the officer glances at Jonas. "Have you heard anything about a girl maybe being forced to do something she didn't want to do?"


"No way," I insist. I definitely would remember hearing that rumor.


"Was a girl from Sarah's school raped behind the football field?" Eliza demands. She's on the verge of tears.


"We're still trying to piece together what happened, but the evidence looks that way," the officer nods. I'm not sure what they mean by "evidence." What did they find back there? A used condom? Only in Utah would that cause a week-long police investigation.


That's when it hits me. I know exactly what they found back there. It was a used condom, Colin's used condom. And by now I'm sure they've found my panties too. Is this all my fault? It's getting harder to breathe.

"Oh, Sarah, it's okay, they'll find this guy," Eliza rubs my back. "She walked to school that way," she explains.

"If you think of anything that might help you can just call us," the police officer puts his card on the table. "Anything at all."

Jonas walks the police officers to the door. I can hear them talking out there but I try to calm down. There's no way they can figure out those were my panties, right?

"Why do they think it was rape?" I can't keep all my thoughts to myself anymore, they're too loud.

"I have no idea," Eliza looks at me. "Why would you even ask that?"

"I just," I can't breathe. "Nevermind."

"Sarah?" Eliza scoots away from me. "If you know something, you have to tell."

"No," I shake my head and try to get some air.

"This is really important, Sarah, they're spending a lot of time and money on this," Eliza goes on. "If you can help you have to speak up."

"We don't have to talk here, in front of your aunt and uncle," the police officer is back. "Is there somewhere private we could go?" he asks Jonas. I see Jonas hesitate.

"We can go upstairs," Jonas nods to Eliza. She doesn't really look like she wants to get up but she stands and they start to leave the room.

"It was a girl at my school," I don't mean to lie but I can't see what choice I have. If I tell the truth Jonas will throw me out. Who knows where I might end up or what my father will do? Would be right to do, I remind myself.

"Do you have a name?" the officer asks. I try to think for a minute but I can't even make something up.

"No, I'm new here I don't know everyone's names," I'm starting to cry which is just perfect. Jonas and Eliza are hovering in the door, both looking a little shocked. "Um, but, I kind of thought she wanted it," I add.

"What makes you say that?" the officer is taking notes.

"Because of what I heard her say, please don't make me say it," I look down at my hands.

"Did you know the boy she was with?" the other officer asks. I shake my head.

"I'm sorry, I just don't know that many people," I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

"And when did you see this happen?" they ask.

"It was Homecoming, after the dance," I feel a little better every time I can say something that's true.

"Did anyone else see this incident?" the second officer asks. He doesn't seem like he believes me.

"Yeah, my cousin," I nod. "Colin and I were walking home from the dance," I explain.

"Sarah, I have to ask," the first police officer glances at his partner. "Are you completely sure you're talking about someone else and not maybe yourself?" he raises his eyebrows. I can see Eliza's hand on Jonas's arm and the way Jonas is looking at me.

"I'm sure," I nod. "I promise, I didn't," I start crying too hard to speak. They weren't supposed to figure it out.

"It's okay, Sarah, we just want to help," the police officer says. "We found some blood so we just want to make sure everyone's okay."

"There was blood?" I'm sure I'm going to pass out now. How much blood could there have been? I know my period started that night but I didn't realize it was happening out there in the woods.

"You're scaring her," Eliza protests.

"We're just trying to help," the officer says.

"Why don't you give us your cousin's last name and we'll go speak with him," the second officer says.

"Rigdon," Jonas speaks up. "Colin Rigdon. I can give you an address," he offers.

"Thanks," the officer lets Jonas tell him how to find Colin. I try to hold myself together but I can't understand why this is happening. I've done nothing during the past few weeks but try my hardest to be good and do everything right. So why can't the things I did in the past just let me go?

Jonas walks the police officers out and locks the door behind him. Eliza is staring at me and when he turns around Jonas just stares too.

"I think you'd better start telling the truth, Sarah," Jonas finally says.