Infinitely

There's the Sarah I know

"Careful, Sarah," Justin warns me as we're going down the stairs to leave the club. Somehow I've gotten drunk off the only drink I finally gave in and let myself have. It was only one drink, and I only had it because I was sure I wouldn't even get drunk.

"I'm fine," I promise and put my hand on the wall to steady myself. The absolute last thing I want is to fall and go sliding down the stairs in front of all these people. When I first moved out to California to live with Charlotte I thought every night would be like this but this is the first time I've met almost everyone we're hanging out with tonight. The club is going to close in 30 minutes or we wouldn't even be leaving now.

"Is it okay if we stop for food? I'm starving," Justin asks as I get into his car.

"Yeah, I am," I realize. Justin smiles at me.

"What do you want to eat?" he asks.

"I don't care," I shrug. "I could eat anything."

"Alright," Justin pulls away from the club and turns his music up so loud it hurts. As soon as we're away from the crowds and the photographers he turns it down again. "Did you have fun tonight?"

"Yeah, totally," I nod. "I don't want tonight to end," I admit.

"That's good," Justin smiles. "I had so much red bull I don't think I could sleep now if I tried."

"I'm not tired either," I tell him. He looks at me and then at his phone.

"If you're serious," Justin pauses like he's trying to decide something. "I have an idea."

"Okay," I nod. Justin checks his phone again and then changes lanes to get on the freeway. He turns the music back up a little and we start to drive away from the city. It's too chilly to roll the windows down but I lean back against my seat and imagine what it would be like if the wind was blowing on me.

In a lot of ways it feels like I never left here. Shopping at designer stores, dealing with paparazzi, hanging out with people I used to only dream about meeting, getting special treatment just because of who we are – it still gives me a rush. Only now that feeling is followed by guilt. I don't belong in this world and I shouldn't be so happy to be here.

That's the part of life in California that's always been hard. Even when this was all I had it never seemed real. I always felt like I was just playing a game and that eventually reality would sink in and it would all go away. So it didn't really matter if I was out drinking every weekend because it just wasn't real.

Except that it was real to my friends. Seeing them all again today, hanging out at Starbucks like we always used to - they're not just playing some game. That's the real world for them. Their problems really were as simple as trying to get a guy to like them or not being allowed to go somewhere fun for spring break. It all feel so different now that I'm not part of it. Now I actuallyfeel guilty for disappearing on them like I did.

I don't know what's worse though - getting close to all these people who don't know the truth about me or not really being able to get close to anyone. Sure, I have Kimber and the Madisons back in Utah but compared to everyone here I barely know them and that will never change. Whenever I talk to my friends in Utah I just say what I know they want to hear so I don't have to face high school completely on my own.

It's just that until a few weeks ago everything I was doing in Utah felt kind of like a game to me too. It still felt like I was just hanging out and wasting time until my life could really get started. Only that's all there is to it. There won't be any big moment when my life begins - that's all I have. And sitting here in Justin's car it's pretty hard to believe my life back in Hurricane is anything more than a bad dream. I haven't been here for 24 hours yet but it's already easier to breathe. Then again Eliza has been texting me almost all day, like she thinks I really care that I'm not there to watch Jenna have her babies. I finally lied and told her I was going to sleep so she would stop updating me.