Infinitely

Just wait and see, Charlotte

One Year Later...

I'm staring at myself in the mirror when I hear Caelen's wail followed by his pounding footsteps. A second later the door behind me pops open and I turn just in time to see him fighting to get the door open.

"Sorry, he got away from me," Quinn apologizes, pushing the door open so Caelen can run inside.

"It's fine," I smile at him.

"Up!" Caelen demands, holding his arms up to me.

"Why aren't you with Daddy?" I ask him. He just puts his head on my shoulder.

"I can take him," Quinn offers.

"It's okay, he can stay for a minute," I decide. I'm not quite as nervous with Caelen in my arms.

"You look beautiful," Quinn tells me. I look back at the mirror and at the long white dress I'm wearing.

"I feel like I'm just playing dress up," I admit. This is the second time in my life I've worn a wedding dress and it doesn't feel any more real to me this time than it did the first.

"Where are the girls?" Quinn asks, realizing suddenly that we're alone.

"They just went-" I start to say they went outside but I'm interrupted when the door opens again. Selena has Lizzie, Luke and Sarah's daughter, on her hip and she's not alone. Hope is right behind her holding Isaiah's hand.

"You were supposed to wait for us!" Hope accuses. "Charlotte!" she lets go of Isaiah and rushes over to make sure I've gotten the dress on okay.

"I wanted to do it myself," I tell her, setting Caelen down. Hope makes a clucking noise with her tongue and reaches for my veil.

"Oh, wait," Selena hands Lizzie to Quinn and comes over to help Hope fasten my veil into my hair. I watch them doing this together in the mirror and notice the way the light is pouring in through the windows of the little room the church set aside for us to get ready in. Isaiah and Caelen are playing peek-a-boo around one of the folds in my skirt and Lizzie is giggling as she watches them popping back and forth.

My heart is already overwhelmed with everything that's going on but it's not until there's a knock at the door that I start to lose it. Pastor Mike pokes his head in, a hand covering his eyes.

"Is it safe to come in?" he asks in his usual joking tone.

In the year after Caelen was born I found myself praying for the first time since deciding I had to leave polygamy. It was hard to admit what I was doing because I wasn't sure what or who I was really praying to or if I could even call it that. But something about having Caelen made me desperate to know Justin and I weren't alone with him. There had to be something bigger.

I wouldn't have forced myself to figure it out if Justin hadn't caught me one night. Lizzie and Caelen both had stomach bugs, the washing machine was broken, and I'd just run out of clean everything. It was around 4 in the morning, pouring down rain outside, and Caelen's diaper had exploded everywhere.

Luke was up with Lizzie and had taken Caelen for a bath but I was still a wreck. I hadn't slept and didn't know it yet but was just 8 hours away from being sick too. When Justin found me I was on my knees sobbing, begging the Lord to do something, anything, to make it all okay again. I ran out of words, feeling like I'd asked for the same things over and over again when I heard him speak up.

"And Lord, bless my wife for all she's done," Justin said, kneeling down next to me. He put his hand on my back. "Bring her peace to see the strength you've given her to walk through this and comfort to know this will pass in time. Help her to feel how much I love her and how grateful I am to be blessed with her. I can't thank you enough, Lord, for putting her in my life so we can walk through these trials together. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."