Infinitely

Keep sweet, Sarah

I'm sitting in the kitchen doing homework a week later when Jonas comes in through the back door. He's got baby Jeffrey with him but when he sees me sitting there he sighs.

"Is Eliza here?" he asks.

"In the dining room," I point, though he knows where it is. This is the first time I've even seen Jonas since a week ago when I had to tell him the truth - that I cheated with Colin, more than once.

I expected to be in serious trouble, especially since the police were involved, but what really happened was much worse. Jonas yelled, of course.

"I just knew I couldn't trust you," he said. "I should never have agreed to bring you into this family."

That was the last thing Jonas said to me before he stormed out of the house. I don't know if Eliza has seen him since then or not because he hasn't come back in her house except to leave for work and come home every day which he does when he knows he won't see me.

Eliza took me to the police station so I could tell the truth. As it turned out, they'd already suspected I was lying and that it had been me the whole time. I have to sign a confession so they can close the case but I'm not charged with anything. Probably because the police still don't believe me when I say I wasn't raped. When I see the picture of my panties from that night I can understand why. There's just so much blood. I've never had such a heavy period but of course it has to happen this one time.

"You can call us if you start to remember it another way," the officer insists.

Eliza doesn't say much but she does make me take a pregnancy test. It's negative, which she knows right away because she stands outside the bathroom door while I take it and then waits right next to the test until it's time to check it. I shouldn't, but I wonder how many times she's done that.

"I guess we can move on," she says when she throws the test away.

That's not as simple as she makes it sound. Jonas is obviously ignoring me which shouldn't bother me at all except that it does. I don't know why, but I actually miss him. And I don't know if he's told the other wives what's going on but everyone knows something is wrong between Jonas and I.

"Whenever we have a fight I just let him catch me bent over or something and he usually forgets he's mad, if you know what I mean," Jenna tells me.

"I don't think that will help," I admit. The last thing I want to do is remind Jonas about sex.

As long as Jonas is avoiding me I keep having the sex dreams. They've changed though. In the dream it always starts out as Jonas and turns into Luke or Colin. I've started trying as hard as I can not to sleep. Instead I read my scriptures, trying to memorize verses - anything to keep my thoughts clean. It doesn't work, of course, and I do fall asleep eventually. But I have to do something.

I shouldn't listen in but I do anyway. Jonas asks Eliza if she can sit with Claire while he helps Jenna move some furniture around.

"I really wanted to finish this today," Eliza sighs.

"Please?" Jonas asks.

"I can do it," I jump up. Jonas doesn't even look at me.

"I'll just finish this last row of stitches," Eliza nods. "I'll be right there."

"I'll do it, I'm not doing anything else," I say it a little louder. Eliza looks at me and then back at Jonas.

"Fine," he says and turns to leave. I grab my hoodie and run after him. He almost lets the door shut in my face.

"Hey," I protest, pulling it open again. Jonas keeps ignoring me as he walks. "Jonas, please," I run in front of him and try to walk backwards so I know he sees me. "Look, I know what I did was wrong and I have been praying, and reading my scriptures, and doing everything I can think of to make it right. I'm sorry, Jonas, I'm so sorry. Please tell me how to make this right, I don't know what else to do."