Infinitely

Sarah, did something happen?

I don't remember a lot after the night in Copper Creek. My days run together, an endless blur of going to school and going through all the motions of daily life even though I know my life as I know it is over. Soon enough none of the things I'm doing now will matter. As soon as everyone knows I'm pregnant, if I really am pregnant, I won't be allowed back to school. I won't get to graduate.

Already I can hear everyone whispering about me and see the way they're looking at me now. I can only make myself do what I have to - I can't control my feelings to react like I should when I hear the FBI raided Hills Canyon. No part of me can even pretend to be excited about planning Jonas's 36 birthday party. Eliza volunteers me to make the cake and I can't even protest.

I don't let myself look in the mirror after the first morning. It's too hard. Everytime I see my reflection I start to obsess. Does my stomach look bigger or did I just eat too much? So I stop looking.

My friends at school are whispering too but they're too excited about Homecoming to notice that I'm just drifting. I get 100% on a quiz, the highest grade I've ever gotten in math, and I have no idea how. My body is moving, but I thought my mind was gone.

A week after the incident Jonas calls all the adults together for a meeting. It's been another painful Sunday and I've sat through all 3 hours of church praying the roof won't fall in on me for being such a horrible, sinful person. I know I should be thankful if I am pregnant, that it would be a gift from Heavenly Father for him to trust me with one of his precious children, but all I can think is that I've thrown my whole life away. A life I didn't even know I wanted until I can't have it anymore.

We meet at Eliza's house and she serves lemon cake. I pick at my slice, not making eye contact with anyone.

"What is she doing?" Jenna whispers, like I can't hear her.

"She's been like this all week, I don't understand," Eliza sighs. "Teenagers."

"Heaven help us when our kids get there," Jenna whispers back.

"I just have two things I want to talk about," Jonas says. "The first is a little announcement," he sounds really happy and I finally make myself look up. Jonas is grinning. "We're going to be welcoming another soul into the family in about 8 months," he says. My heart stops. How can he know that?

"I'm pregnant!" Tammy announces. There are excited gasps from all around the table.

"Excuse me," Eliza jumps up, tears running down her face. She goes running upstairs and I hear her door close.

"How far along are you?" Jenna asks.

"It's early, I'm not sure," Tammy says. "I've been testing all week though," she laughs. "I just had to be certain," she shrugs, like she knows she's been doing something silly. I push the slice of cake away from me. If Tammy is just barely pregnant that means it happened after I got here. And I know I shouldn't care, that I should be happy, but for some reason I feel like I've been hit.

"I'm going to check on Eliza," I mumble and get up.

"Sit down," Jonas orders. I sit, startled by the way he's just spoken to me. "She needs to learn to control her emotions and her jealousy."

"Jealousy," I repeat the last word. Is that what I'm feeling? Am I jealous that Tammy's obviously been sleeping with Jonas all this time?

"She can't have her own babies, you know," Jenna whispers. "She got pregnant once but lost the baby at like 5 months," she says and suddenly it all makes sense. I suspected Eliza couldn't have her own kids but now I know why she didn't take the crib apart. It was too painful.

"And that was 5 years ago, you'd think she would be used to it by now," Tammy rolls her eyes.

"It was 3 years," Jonas corrects her. I've never seen him get emotional before. "I don't think she'll ever get used to it, but she can learn to handle her feelings about it."

"What was the other thing you wanted to talk to us about?" Jenna asks.

"I got you all presents," Jonas says. He disappears for a minute and comes back with 4 white boxes. New iPhones for everyone. "I know a few of you were jealous that Sarah got one, so I bought them for all of you."

"But how can we afford this?" Tammy demands.

"We'll make it work," Jonas says. "We always find a way."

"We can't just spend like it's the end of the world," Tammy frowns. "Although, we were told on 3 separate occasions that it was. No offense, Sarah, but your grandfather's revelations were a little off toward the end."

"Well, I have to be fair," Jonas says. "So now everyone is on equal footing. If you have any questions about how to use it I'm sure Sarah will help you."

"Yes, show me how to put my pictures up, like how yours are," Jenna pushes her phone into my hand. "Oh, and how do you get those sparkles and circles on them?"

"You need the right apps," I sigh. "Hang on," I have to go get my phone. It's been sitting in the dining room where I left it a week ago after I realized I couldn't go on tweeting and acting like everything was just fine.Of course it's completely dead.

Even though we sit there playing with everyone's phones until really late that night, Eliza never comes back down. Jonas goes to say goodnight to all the kids and I take my phone upstairs with me. I can't make myself listen to more than one of Charlotte's hysterical messages. It's the first time since I got here I've been glad I'm not with her. Her hormones are making me crazy and I'm not even there to witness them.

I have messages from Luke too. I know I should delete them but I can't make myself do it. I just leave them there, and I do the same with the messages from Justin. I don't read any of my texts, I just open them so the notification goes away. Because I know they'll be checking, I open Instagram to follow my sister wives. Then, because I can't help it, I look at Justin's feed.

The last thing he posted is a video and the caption just says "oops." I almost hold my breath while I wait for it to load. It's Justin walking past reporters. Someone off screen shouts a question.

"How's your fiancee today, Justin?"

"She's good," he answers, a huge smile comes out of nowhere. I can't remember the last time I saw him so happy. "You tricked me!" he laughs as everyone asks if it's true, if they're really engaged. "Man, I'm bad at secrets," he says to whoever is holding the phone right before the video ends.

I watch the video two more times because I can't believe I really heard it right. Justin never actually comes out and admits to anything but it seems pretty obvious that this is his way of telling everyone that he and Charlotte are engaged.

Part of me wants to throw my phone across the room but I'm already reading through the comments. It seems like everyone is torn - some people are mad but other people are really happy he's so happy. There are a lot of people who say they don't know what to feel and I think I understand them the best.

I'm happy for Charlotte and Justin but the whole act now seems so pointless. Charlotte wanted to get away from the lies and stories but this is just one more big lie. It's just another thing that's going to hurt everyone when the truth comes out. I know they're going to get married and be a family and nothing can change that but now I feel like it would have just been easier to tell the truth.

For a second I think about calling Charlotte but then I don't know what I would say to her. Surprise, Dad is going to tell the truth about who we are which means your new life is going to be ruined too? Oh and by the way I'm probably pregnant but I don't know who the father is because after everything I'm just some trashy little slut who sleeps with two guys in one night.

I put my phone away and try to calm down. Maybe the person I really need to call is Justin. But I don't want to piss off Charlotte by talking to him instead of her. So I do nothing. I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.

Jonas comes to see me that night. I pretend I'm already asleep and if he can tell I'm faking it he doesn't say anything. It's the first time he's ever spent the night without touching me and I'm so relieved that he doesn't bother trying. That night is also the first night since our trip to Copper Creek that I manage not to cry at all before I fall asleep.

"Are you going to the Homecoming Dance?" Jonas asks me in the morning as I'm trying to decide if it matters what I wear to school.

"Why would I go?" I ask.

"It's your senior year, you want to fit in, Eliza will be devastated if you don't," Jonas lists a few more reasons.

"I think I would need a date," I figure that will stop this stupid idea but I'm wrong. It's not that I don't want to go to Homecoming it's just that it doesn't seem like there's a point. I'm probably not going to get to finish senior year anyway since I'm probably knocked up.

"Don't tell me there's not a single guy at school who hasn't got his eye on you," Jonas laughs.

"Then I won't say it," I throw on whatever my hand grabs first out of my closet.

"I'm sure we could find a nice guy to take you," Jonas says.

"Or I could stay home," I shrug.

"Sarah, it's just a school dance," Jonas frowns. "I'm not asking you to cheat on me, I think you should get to spend time with kids your own age sometimes."

"Okay, I guess I can try to find a date," I tell him.

"Try not to act like I'm sending you to a funeral," Jonas laughs. "I thought you were making friends."

"Yeah, I was," I sigh. Friends I have to lie to and who will never speak to me again when I drop out of school because I was so unbelievably stupid.

"Did you have a fight?" Jonas asks.

"You're not my dad," I don't mean to snap at him but it comes out that way.

"Whoa, sorry I asked," Jonas shakes his head. "I was just trying to understand."

"Well, don't," I say and push past him to go downstairs. Eliza's made breakfast like she does every morning but I just grab my lunch and rush out the door.

"Wait!" Eliza calls but I don't stop. I don't want her bacon and waffles right now. All I want is to go back in time and not be so stupid.

By the time I reach the football field I'm crying and I don't want to go into school with tearstains all over my face. Instead I drop my bag and sit down right next to the fence, hoping no one can see me. But of course I'm not the only kid who walks to school through that gap in the fence and it's not long before someone else comes along.

Even for all the kids who walk by me not one person stops to ask if I'm okay. They all just look at me and keep walking. For some reason what Colin said comes back to me right then. You're not a very good person, Sarah.

Just when I'm wondering if I should bother going to school at all I see Kimber and the Madisons coming toward me. Kimber has her most sickeningly sweet sympathetic face on and I'm forced to make up a story to explain why I would be sitting there crying.

Eliza's car is in the driveway when I get home from school that day and I know I'm going to be in trouble for running off that morning. She's baking cookies when I come in.

"Oh, there you are," she says. "I was hoping we could talk."

"Okay," I sit down at the table and Eliza brings me a glass of milk.

"We've never really had a teenager before," she says. "So none of us really know what we're doing here."

"I'm not really a teenager," I shrug.

"I know we've asked you to be an adult in a lot of ways," Eliza takes a deep breath. "But we still want you to get to be a kid sometimes. That's why we're sending you to public school, you know."

"Thanks," I try not to huff but it doesn't seem like a huge favor.

"We just need you to be patient while we figure this out, Sarah," Eliza frowns. "It's an adjustment for all of us."

"I'm sorry I'm so hard for you to deal with," I bite my tongue after I've said it. I know I'm being a brat but for some reason it's too hard to control myself.

"Everything worth doing is hard," Eliza reaches for my hand. "Sarah, we prayed for you to join this family. Did you know that? We've always wanted you, and I thank God everyday for letting us have you. So no matter how hard it seems I want you to know how loved you are and how special you are to us."

"I don't feel very special," I roll my eyes.

"I don't know how else to make you see that," Eliza pulls away like I've hit her. "We've all worked hard to make you feel welcome and wanted.I think you should step back and try to see that."

"Maybe you should step back and see that you're treating me like I'm your child instead of your sister wife. We're supposed to be equal partners, all of us," I remind her.

"And we are," Eliza insists.

"No, we're not," I push my chair back. "You all keep reminding me how young I am compared to the rest of you. How would you feel if everyone treated you different because you-" I catch myself before I say it.

"Because I'm defective?" Eliza finishes. "Because I can't have children? Everyone does. They never let me forget it."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" I get interrupted again.

"Sarah, I think you need to go to your room," Jonas is standing behind me. I have no idea when he got home or how much he's heard but it's obviously more than enough.

"Fine," I push past him and stomp upstairs, slamming my door shut behind me. If they want to treat me like a little kid I might as well act like one.

Something falls and I turn to see a dress lying on the floor. I pick it up and smooth the satiny fabric out so I can see it. There's a little note pinned to it and I realize that this is supposed to be my Homecoming dress. Eliza's made it as a surprise for me.

"Oh my god," I can't believe I have any tears left to cry at this point but I find my lip shaking as I hang the dress back up. It's beautiful and looks vintage so even though it's modest with little cap sleeves it doesn't look awkward. I'm sure Eliza's spent hours sneaking time to work on it.

Looking at the dress just makes me feel worse. I put it in my closet and even though it's only 3:30 I get in bed. At first I'm sure I won't be able to sleep at all but the next thing I know I'm waking up to my morning alarm.

I float through the rest of the week, not really able to focus on anything. Friday morning comes and I have to drag myself out of bed. It's too hard to bother doing my hair or my makeup. If it weren't against our dress code I would have just gone to school in my pajamas.

"Sarah," Eliza has barely spoken to me since our fight but she's waiting for me at the kitchen table. "Sarah, you're not wearing a single one of your school colors."

"So?" I realize she's even got a Hurricane High t-shirt on.

"It's Homecoming weekend," Eliza looks like she might cry.

"Today?" I must be more out of it than I thought.

"Um, I made you something but I wasn't sure you would want it," Eliza says. "But I can get it, if you want."

"Okay," I don't care enough to tell her not to bother and she disappears into the dining room. She comes back with a dress she's made out of a high school t-shirt and some extra fabric. Yet another one of her Pinterest projects.

"I just thought it would be cute for today, but then I wasn't sure if you would think I was being too much like a mom," she bites her lip.

"No, it's great, I'll just go change," I take the dress into the bathroom.

Everyone at school is just as excited as Eliza, and I get tons and tons of compliments on my dress.

"Let me take a picture so you can post it," Kimber grabs my phone and starts snapping pictures. "Your hair looks a little um, flat," she tries to fluff it.

"It's fine," I shrug.

"So what time are you coming over tonight?" Kimber asks.

"Tonight?" I repeat.

"Hello, the sleepover?" Kimber says like I'm so stupid.

"What sleepover?" I ask her.

"Everyone's coming to my house after the game tonight, "Kimber says. "We'll do our nails and stuff for the dance tomorrow."

"Oh, right," I have no idea what she's talking about.

"Your aunt talked to my mom about it for like an hour last night," Kimber laughs. "Seriously, where's your head?"

"I don't know," I admit. Did I agree to this sleepover? Does it matter? Maybe I should just be trying to enjoy all these normal high school experiences while I can. So why is that so hard?

I sit with Kimber and the Madisons at the football game that night. Our team wins and everyone's happy. We go for frozen yogurt before we go to Kimber's house.

I've never tried so hard to have fun in my entire life. They're nice girls but I'm so bored I could cry and I end up being the first one to fall asleep that night. At least they're too nice to play any pranks on me for falling asleep first.

The next afternoon Eliza picks me up. I can tell she wants to hear that I've had the best time of my life so I try to make it sound like the perfect night. It works until we get home and I see my father's truck in the driveway.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Now, don't get upset," Eliza says, pulling in right next to the truck. "But Jonas thought you should have someone to go to the dance with tonight."

"My dad?" I cringe.

"No, don't be silly," Eliza laughs. "Your father's brought a nice boy from Copper Creek to take you."

"Oh golly," I can only imagine what that means.

"I don't want us to fight, but Sarah, I think it would be a good idea for you to be a little nicer around your father than you've been around us lately," Eliza looks nervous as she says it.

"Yeah, I got it," I promise. I feel a little sick as I follow her into the house.

My father is sitting at the kitchen table with Jonas. They're laughing like old friends but they stand up when I come in. Dad gives me a big hug.

"I'm glad you're doing this," he says. "It's important to be normal."

"Right," I try to make myself smile at him.

"I'm not sure if you remember Colin," Dad says, pointing behind me. My heart stops. Colin is walking out of the bathroom.

"Yeah, I remember," I beg myself not to faint.

"Colin is engaged to your sister Becca," Jonas tells me.

"Oh, that's nice," I can't look at anyone.

"We all thought Colin would be a perfect escort for you tonight," Dad says. "He's a fine young man. Obedient and steadfast," he tells me. It feels like this is some kind of huge joke, like they all know the truth and at any second they're all going to start screaming at me.

"Isn't that nice?" Eliza asks.

"Sure," I can see how worried she looks. Is she afraid I'm going to throw a tantrum or does she know I don't want to go with Colin tonight?

"Does anyone want lunch?" Eliza offers. "Sarah, why don't you help me get lunch."

"Okay," I nod and follow her to the fridge. It's easier to act right when I have something to do and Eliza is always good at telling me what to do in the kitchen. I just follow her instructions and try not to think about what's happening. What if someone saw us? What if this is a test?

I sneak a few little glances at Colin. He's not looking at me or anyone else either. His eyes are focused on some invisible spot on the table. Is he freaking out too? Does he even want to be here? I almost want to be alone with him so I can figure out what's happening. Then I realize we'll have to be alone again tonight and I almost can't breathe.

Lunch is like torture. I can barely choke down any of my food. But it all gets worse when my father gets up to leave.

"So I'll see you in the morning," he says. "You kids have fun," he nods to me.

"You're leaving?" I ask.

"The Prophet can't sit here all day," Eliza pats my shoulder, like she wants me to shut up.

"Colin will sleep on the couch," Jonas explains. "We'll all drive down and have church with the family tomorrow," he tells me.

"Great," I give my dad a big hug. He rubs my back.

"I told you it would all work out," he says. "You're a good girl, Sarah," he almost has to push me away. In that second I really wish it were true.

"Well, let's go get you ready," Eliza takes my hand. "Have fun, boys!" she says, leading me upstairs.

"I can't go, I can't do this," I'm practically hyperventilating by the time we get to her bathroom.

"Why? What's the matter?" Eliza whispers.

"It's wrong, this is too weird, I can't," I know I'm not making any sense but I can barely speak.

"It's okay, Jonas wants this for you," Eliza gives me a hug. "You're not doing anything wrong, you're just doing this to protect our family."

"No, I," I start crying. I want to tell her the truth but I know I can't.

"Sarah, did something happen?" Eliza asks. "Did Colin do something to you?" she looks right into my eyes and I realize I have a choice here. I could lie - but then what would happen to Colin?

"No, that's not it," I shake my head. "This just seems wrong."

"Oh, Sarah," Eliza hugs me again. "I promise, it's okay. We thought you wanted to go."

"I thought I did too," I admit, trying to calm down. Maybe this isn't a trap after all but a really, really awful coincidence. I take a deep breath. "Maybe it will be okay," I remind myself that we won't really be alone. After all, Kimber and the Madisons are all about their "no dating" rule so they won't be ditching me to be alone with their dates either.

"There," Eliza nods. "Just try to have a good attitude."

"Okay," I take another breath.

Eliza does my hair and tries to help with my makeup but I end up doing most of that on my own. I put on the dress she made me and I know she's just so happy it fits.

"I borrowed a dress out of your closet to get the size," she tells me.

"It's perfect," I have to admit.

"I figured it might be more your style than what everyone else will be wearing," she says. I know she's right.

"Will you take some pictures?" I ask her, handing over my phone.

"Sure," she takes a minute to remember how to use the phone but she takes a bunch of pictures for me. I text one to Charlotte before I remember she hasn't heard anything from me in two weeks. She calls immediately.

"Charlotte, I can't talk right now," I tell her. Eliza stands right in front of me, obviously listening. "I'm going to Homecoming with our cousin Colin. Do you remember him?"

"Sarah, you can't just disappear and not tell me anything!" Charlotte wails.

"Don't cry. I'll call you tomorrow," I tell her. Eliza gives me a look as I hang up. "I know I'm not supposed to talk to her but she's pregnant and she worries."

"Your sister is pregnant?" Eliza gasps.

"It's a secret! You can't tell anyone!" I can't believe I told.

"You left your pregnant sister behind?" Eliza covers her mouth.

"Seriously, Eliza, that's a really important secret," I don't know who she would tell but I'm starting to get nervous again.

"You poor, poor girl," Eliza hugs me suddenly and I don't know what to think. "Well, no wonder you're having a hard time here. It must be impossible being away from her."

"It's not easy," I admit.

"Sarah, I promise you the Lord will reward you for your faithfulness," Eliza is all teary eyed when she lets go of me. "What a horrible choice to have to make."

"Uh, well," I'm not sure how to respond to that.

"Does Jonas know?" Eliza asks.

"No, you're the first person outside their family to know," I tell her. "I don't even think our father knows."

"I think I should tell Jonas," Eliza says. "But we'll keep it a secret, I promise."

"Okay," I feel a little sick about this but I don't know what to do. Charlotte will probably be too big to hide it anymore very soon so it's not like we need to keep the secret for much longer.

"Well, are you ready?" Eliza asks. I look in the mirror one more time.

"Yeah, I guess I am," I nod. She grabs her camera and we go downstairs.

Jonas and Colin are still in the kitchen. Colin has changed into a suit. It's a little big for him but he still looks really hot and I can feel my anxiety starting again. I can't do this.

"Pictures!" Eliza insists.

"Look, it's snowing," Jonas says.

"Oh, let's go outside," Eliza begs. "It'll be so pretty in the pictures."

We go out so she can take some pictures and then go back in to warm up before Jonas drives us to meet my friends for dinner. He gives Colin some money to pay for our food and promises to pick us up at the school.

"Sarah," Kimber and the Madisons corner me as soon as we can escape to the bathroom. "Your date is super gorgeous," she says.

"He's just a friend, nothing else," I insist.

"He's from Utah?" Kimber asks.

"Yeah, from St. George," I lie. "We've known each other our whole lives practically. Just friends," I say again.

"He looks at you like he's seen you naked," Kimber accuses. I almost choke but manage to make it sound like laughing.

"Definitely not!" I even turn red, like I'm embarrassed, but it's not for the reason they think.

Colin and I barely speak to each other during dinner but he seems to get along with the guys really well so no one notices anything weird between us. We leave dinner and drive to the high school where the dance is going on. It's exactly what I expected - cheesy, typical school dance - but it's better than spending another night watching Eliza do her crafts.

"This isn't my fault you know," Colin says when the first slow dance starts. There are teachers everywhere, making sure no one stands too close to their date.

"It's both of our fault," I protest.

"Whatever, I didn't ask to be here," Colin says.

"I didn't ask for this either, I didn't even want to come," I huff.

"Do you hate me?" he asks.

"I should, but no," I don't look at him.

"I don't hate you either," Colin sighs. "Do you think we can just have fun tonight?"

"I don't know," I shrug and look back at him.

"What if I promise to be good this time?" he asks, raising his eyebrows. I look into his eyes and just want to kiss him. "Unless you want me to be bad?"

"Colin," I step away from him.

"Okay, okay, I'll be good," he says.

And for most of the night he is - until the fire alarm goes off and we all find ourselves outside in the cold. It's stopped snowing but it's still freezing out.

"Give me your jacket," I beg. Colin sighs but most of the other guys have given up their jackets so he doesn't really have a choice.

"Oh, no, let me," he mocks me as he slips it on my shoulders.

"Thanks," I roll my eyes and try to warm up a little. I shove my hands into the pockets. They're not empty and my hand closes around a little plastic packet. It's kind of squishy and I don't have to see it to know what it is. "Colin," I hiss.

"What-oh" he sees where my hands are. "I just thought," he shrugs.

"You thought nothing," I huff and push through the crowd.

"Sarah, wait," he follows me. "Where are you going?"

"Home," I tell him. "This night is over."

"Wait," Colin runs after me. "Don't get upset, I just wanted it in case."

"In case of what?" I demand, storming off across the football field. I don't care if anyone sees us, in fact I almost want one of the teachers to come running after us. No one would blame me for getting mad at him for this.

"I don't know, I thought you might want to do it again," Colin says. "Will you please stop running?"

"You know I'm married," I hiss at him.

"That didn't stop you last time," Colin laughs.

"You don't even know what I've been through," I gasp.

"Hey, no one found out, right?" Colin asks. "It's not a big deal."

"It is to me," I tell him. I'm crying and it hurts in the cold night air. "I cheated on my husband and I maybe got pregnant and I've had to live with that for two weeks," I sob.

"Sarah," Colin shakes his head. "You really don't get it, do you?"

"What?" I wipe my face on his jacket sleeve, not caring that my nose is running all over it.

"None of this even matters," Colin says. "You think your husband cares? He doesn't. You're just another baby factory for him. Do you know what they call him on the compound?"

"No," I sniffle.

"I won't repeat it," Colin shakes his head. "But you should know he asked your father today about taking another wife."

"He what?" I really can't breathe now.

"Yeah, that's right," Colin nods. "He wants a 7th."

"What did my father say?" I'm scared to ask.

"Does that fix it?" Colin asks. "If the Prophet says it's okay, will that make it okay?"

"No, but," I have to stop walking. We're just in the line of trees between the football field and the neighborhood now and it's dark enough that I can't really see where I'm going. "Did he say yes?"

"He said he would see who might be available," Colin sighs.

"No," I feel like I might pass out. I reach for Colin. "Okay, let's do it."

"What?" Colin asks.

"Fuck me," I beg him. "Right here, let's go."

"Sarah, no," Colin pulls away from me. "I'm not revenge, you know."

"Please, Colin," I grab him again. "I need you to do this for me. Please, I'm begging."

"This is such a bad idea," Colin unfastens his pants.

"Here," I pass him the condom out of his jacket pocket. Bad idea or not, I can tell I'm getting wet and I slip my panties off.

"Okay, hold on," Colin puts my arms around his neck and picks me up. There a tree nearby and he pushes my back against it and I wrap my legs around him, trying my best to hold on as he pushes into me.

I end up crying the whole time. The tree digs into my back and that hurts but what bothers me more is realizing that no matter how much I hated the way I felt after the first time I did this, here I am doing it again. Just earlier that afternoon I'd wanted so badly to be good, and I came here in the first place wanting to be good, to do the right thing, and all I seem able to do is make the same mistake over and over again.

Colin's news about Jonas doesn't make things any better. It's just like being with Charlotte and Justin all over again. I'm not enough - Justin didn't want me badly enough and Jonas doesn't either. When will I ever be good enough for someone to want me? And why doesn't what I want ever seem to matter at all? Not even to me, apparently, since I wanted to be good and can't seem to do that.

"Are you okay?" Colin asks, lowering me back to my feet.

"I don't want to go home," I tell him. He sighs and throws the used condom out into the woods.

"Can I wipe my hands on those?" he asks, pointing to my panties.

"Yeah, okay," I sigh. I'm definitely not putting them back on. "Hey, Colin?" I ask as he's trying to straighten his pants.

"Yeah?" he asks.

"Do you want to run away together?" I ask him. "Take me out of here, out of Utah. We can go to California, Justin will help us."

"Sarah, are you insane?" Colin asks.

"Please, I can't do this," I beg him. "I can't go home."

"No, you have to," Colin insists. "That's the only way this works, Sarah."

"But you just said Jonas is getting a new wife," I protest. "He doesn't care about me, we can just go and then you don't have to marry my sister, we could get married and do whatever we wanted."

"Sarah," Colin shakes his head. "Don't you get it? You have to stay married, and I have to marry your sister. We can't defy the Prophet."

"But," I gasp.

"Shh, it's okay," Colin pulls me close. "It's gonna be okay."

"I don't see how," I sob.

"Because when I marry your sister you have a reason to come see me whenever you want," Colin rubs my back.

"Wait, no," I try to get away and he won't let go of me.

"Yeah, shh," Colin says. "It's perfect."

"I don't want you to marry her," I protest. "Let go of me!"

"Sarah, hush," Colin tries to cover my mouth but I bite his hand. "Fuck! Sarah!"

"Let me go," I jerk free of his grasp and start running again.

"Sarah, stop!" Colin grabs me. "You need to clean yourself up before you go inside," he warns. I smack him as hard as I can.

"Why should I protect you?" I demand

"Who's gonna believe you?" Colin asks. "You're the one who lived with apostates for months. I've only been off the compound 3 times in my whole life including tonight. I'd never get an idea like this."

I almost scream at him but the neighbor's porch light comes on and I realize we're standing in the middle of the neighborhood. What Colin said is awful but he's absolutely right. Ever since I've gotten here everyone has thought I'm the bad influence, that I would do all these bad things. I'm sure they'll all believe him if he blames me. And I'm not innocent either.

As much as I don't want to I let Colin help me fix my hair and we walk toward Eliza's house. Jonas opens the door as we get close, obviously on his way to pick us up.

"Oh, there you are," he looks surprised to see us.

"There was a fire alarm," I tell him. "So we just came home."

"Well, did you have a good time?" he asks.

"Sure," I shrug. "It was alright."

"I want to hear everything," Eliza steps onto the porch to watch as we walk up. She frowns at me. "Let me just help you get changed and then we can have dessert. I made pumpkin chocolate cake," she grabs my arm and drags me into the house.

I don't know if I should scream or cry as Eliza drags me up to my room and shuts the door.

"Tell me what happened," she demands. "Sarah, you tell me right now and don't lie."

"I don't know what you're talking about," my voice shakes.

"There's blood on your dress," she starts crying and pulls the skirt up for me to see. I'm so shocked I can't even think. Where did that come from? "Oh, Sarah, I should have known, I'm so sorry."

"It's not, what you think," I protest.

"No, I saw your face this afternoon and I had a bad feeling the way you asked your sister if she remembered him," Eliza gasps. "This is all my fault, I pushed you into this."

"Eliza no," I grab her shoulders. "It's just," I stop myself. What do I do? Should I tell the truth? Or should I let her think the worst? Can I live with myself if I do?

"He can't stay here," Eliza says. "I'll make Jonas take him back tonight, we'll make something up and tell him the truth later," she's thinking out loud but I feel a little crazy just listening to her.

"No, stop," I suddenly feel something running down my leg.

"Oh!" Eliza looks at my leg. "You're still bleeding!"

"I got my period," I realize. No matter how disgusting that makes tonight I don't care. "That's all."

"Oh," Eliza sits down on my bed. She looks as pale as my sheets. "Well, um, I guess just clean up and I'll try to get the stain out of the dress," she says.

"Thank you," I tell her, managing a real smile for the first time in weeks. I have to laugh.

"You have the worst luck," Eliza shakes her head. "The first day of school and now this?"

"I know, it's really," I'm laughing too hard and I know it but I can't stop myself. "I'm so embarrassed", I tell her.

"I bet no one saw it," Eliza says. "Just go before you stain the carpet," she gives me a weird look and I grab clean clothes from my drawer.

As soon as I get cleaned up I kneel down on the bathroom floor. I know Eliza's waiting so I try to make it quick, but I promise God that I've learned my lesson and I won't screw up again.

"Better?" Eliza asks.

"Yeah, it didn't get on the dress much at all," I tell her.

"Good," she nods and looks at the stain.

"Eliza," I can't believe how much better I feel just knowing I'm not pregnant. "Has Jonas asked you about getting another wife?"

"Sarah," Eliza's eyes widen.

"I'm sorry, I just," I don't know how to explain this away.

"He asked me tonight, while you were away," Eliza says. "I told him I would pray about it, but if you have a testimony for it," she stops and takes a deep breath. "Do you?"

"I don't know," I tell her.

"You must, where else would that have come from?" Eliza asks. "He'll be so happy. Why don't you bring it up to him tonight?"

"Tonight?" I frown. "But I have my period."

"He's not going to leave you alone in the house with Colin," Eliza laughs. "He's already told me to lock my door."

"Oh, right," I should have seen that one coming. "I'll tell him then," I promise.

"Great," Eliza smiles. "Well, let's go have cake."