Infinitely

Please, Charlotte?

Justin's awake when I hear Caelen crying at 6 that morning. He's sitting on the side of our bed, his head in his hands.

"What's wrong?" I whisper, completely torn on who I should comfort first.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Justin shakes his head and sits up. "Having a hard time sleeping," he gives me his fake smile, the one he puts on when he wants his fans to be happy but he's too upset to be real. I've never seen him look at me that way and a knot forms in my stomach immediately.

"Go sleep in the guest room," I suggest, slipping out of bed to get Caelen. "Maybe you just need some quiet."

"Sure," Justin nods. He stands up and comes around to kiss me and Caelen. "I'll be just down the hall though if you need me," he says. I nod and get back in bed with our baby so I can feed him. Even though I'm pretty distracted with Caelen I see that Justin's got his phone with him. I can't decide if that makes me feel better or worse.

Since I'm stuck for a few minutes it gives me a chance to think back over the past few days and try to decide if I can figure out what's bothering Justin. I know it's been hard with just the two of us here to take care of Caelen even though it seems like all he really does is sleep and eat. It's kind of weird realizing that Sarah was such a big help since I never noticed how much she was doing until she was gone.

With Sarah gone it seems like our whole house has fallen apart. Even our bedroom is a complete mess with dirty clothes andbaby blankets everywhere. I don't want to think about the kitchen. It seems like the washer and dryer and dishwasher are always running and nothing ever gets clean.

At least Caelen seems like he's an easy baby compared to what I remember of my younger brothers and sisters. He eats a lot and sleeps just fine. At first I felt like most of the time I was the one crying instead of him. I just never knew how hard it would be or that I could feel so tired and still function.

I also have no idea how it's possible to have any energy left to worry about every last thing. Sometimes, just a few times, Caelen cries and I can't figure out why he's upset or what to do and I'm convinced something is seriously wrong until he just stops. And then there are the times something really does happen - like the rash that appeared all over his belly - and I'm sure it's going to kill him.

"Look, it's just heat rash," Justin has to pull up almost 100 pictures on Google before I start to relax. And I still don't feel any better until Maeris stops by the next day to see how we're doing and confirms that for us.

"I don't know why you wouldn't just believe me," Justin says after she's gone.

"I'm just making sure," I insist.

"You know I love him too, right?" Justin huffs.

"Of course," I try not to roll my eyes at him.

"Stop doing that, Charlotte. I know I didn't give birth to him but I can still take good care of our son," Justin snaps and scoops Caelen up out of his seat.

"I didn't say you couldn't," I protest.

"You didn't have to," Justin mumbles before he takes Caelen out of the room.

It's not that I mean to fight with him but I find myself making faces or rolling my eyes a lot more these days. Maybe it's because I'm too exhausted to even think like a normal person.

Then again it's not like all Justin and I do is fight either. Most of the time we just sit together in our bed or on the couch watching Caelen while he sleeps or stares up at us making faces and soft baby sounds. I have no idea how many hours of Caelen's life we've spent completely fascinated by every little thing he does. Sometimes I look at Justin and Caelen together and I feel like my heart can't hold all the love I have for them.