Fictional (making some slight changes)

Chapter 33

Chapter 33

I went directly at my bedroom and locked the door. There is something my mind remembered but forgotten it again. Naranasan nyo na ba yun? Yung may naisip ka tapos biglang mawawala tapos hindi mo na ulit maalala. It sucks because you know it's important even though you don't know what it is.

Because you just feel it.

Tangna, just feeling it is not a pretty good evidence. Nakakabaliw magisip. Nakakahilo maghanap. Nakakapagod maghanap ng sagot sa tanong na hindi mo alam kung may sense ba o sadyang nawawala ka na sa katinuan.

I laid my back on my bed and pulled my blanket up to my neck. I felt tears rising up wanting to fall down. Patay lahat ng ilaw at bukas ang bintana ko so light can go through. Ito ang tanging ilaw sa kwarto, it feel painfully familiar. Do you know the feel of knowing you experience something but you actually did not? Like I felt contented before, stopped wanting to impress people. Like I felt loved. Like I felt tears stream down my face because someone important to me left me.

Sometimes, I wonder what hurts more—knowing why it hurts or not knowing why it just hurt? Pareho kasing nakakatuliro eh. Parehong nakakabaliw. Parehong masakit, mamimili ka lang which hurts lesser.

I hate the feeling that I feel like someone used to be with me. Someone used to sit down at the edge of my bed, smile and talk to me until I fall asleep..

I hate the feeling that I feel that something or someone used to be mine and should be still mine. I freaking hurts not knowing if you're crying for a reason or your mind(including your heart) is just playing tricks on you. Yung hindi mo malaman kung ano ba talaga..

Should you believe? Should you hold on? Or should you stop?

I cried silently under my sheets and try to cry the feeling away. I want to ask for signs. I looked at the window, I can see the star in the sky because the clouds are covering them. Okay, let's have a deal fate.

If it rains, I'll stop this stupidity. If it don't and I see a butterfly, maybe.. maybe I'll believe once more-without doubt.

I looked at the clock, it is 11:11. Nice, that's my wish. Come on and prove me something tonight. If it rains before midnight, I'll-I'll stop..

Starting now.

I closed my eyes, half hoping for it not to rain. Because some half of me actually still wants to believe. Some part of me wants to have faith and believe in something I cannot see but feel. I want-,

My mind quickly shut up when I heard something. My sobs became louder, more tears stream down my face.. Why? Is it that wrong?

I looked at the open window and looked at the raindrops as it fall from the sky.. Is the sky just want to cry with me because it pity me? Because I'm believing. I'm believing of something that don't exist. Maybe it is telling me to just move on.

But how can I move on when the first step is to know whether you what to move on and stop believing? How can I move on when I know that I don't want to move on and stop believing? But I also wanna stop hurting. Sometimes I just want to sleep and not think about it.

Screw me. Screw my feelings. Screw love.

I was about to close my eyes nang biglang may tumunog. Like something fell—out of curiosity and hope, I stood up to look what was that. Tiningnan ko yung buong kwarto, hinahanap ang posibleng dahilan ng ingay na yun nang biglang bumukas yung pinto, " Yumi?"

" Yuri.." sagot ko kay Yuri na nasa may pintuan,

" Did I wake you up? Pulang-pula mata mo eh. Sorry. I just saw a butterfly pass by eh nagulat ako, may nalaglag ako at napatay ko pa yung butterfly. Eto oh." At pinakita nya sakin yung patay na butterfly sa kamay nya,

" Oh."

" Matulog ka na. Alas-dose na." true to his word, it is twelve o'clock.. It's 12 o'clock.

Rain and butterfly? Kumunot ang noo ko buti nalang sinara na ni Yuri yung pinto at umalis na sya. Two signs. Combined. Ano ba talaga? If fate's intention was to confuse me, she's succeeding..

\\\

I was looking at the view outside our terrace, like waiting for something. No—I don't know.. Umagang-umaga pa, mga 6 o'clock. The sun in already up but it light is still calming, and the clouds are nowhere to find. The sky is so blue, like the sea it's calming and so pleasing to the eye..

" Yuri." tumingin sya sakin, " Yea?"

" I want to go home."

Kumunot ang noo nya, " But this is home.."

" I want to go back to my dorm." binalik ko ang tingin ko sa labas, " I want to be alone.."