Flowing Rhythm

14

"Forgive your father for not teaching you the right manners—like lying!"

It felt like I was stabbed in the back, from both the shock and pain of his words.

My brows furrowed when he pulled away from the hug, and I saw his face filled with anger.

"Are your delusions that bad now that you even dragged my brother into it? If I had known you were mentally ill when you were a kid, I should've—"

"Should've just left me in the orphanage? That's what you always say, right?" I cut him off, and he walked away with a smirk. Because I've accepted it now, I realized that no matter what explanations or evidence I show my father, he will never believe me.

He'd just say I was making it all up. After everything I've been through, this is when he chooses to act this way?

I don't think I can face him again. I can't even see him as my father anymore.
I thought he would actually care for me, even for once...
But I fooled myself again.

I tried to fix it so many times, but today...
I'm just so fucking tired, and I cannot let it pass anymore.

I turned to Lennon, and he walked with me back to his car. I didn't bother with what the police were saying—they were just talking about my dad anyway. Let him deal with his own mess.

A week passed and the police still hadn't found Uncle Arwin. I  went back home since the police were gone, and now it was just me and my dad left inside the house.

The problem may have passed quickly, but the pain and trauma it left didn't go away.
I always feel paranoid, checking if the doors are locked, becoming overly conservative with what I wear.
My nights feel like nightmares, and every time I wake up, it's just another nightmare waiting for me.

Our graduation is in two weeks, and our exam results come out today. I'm scared that I might not have passed and won't be able to march. I've been waiting for the email all morning with my dad.
I don't even know why he suddenly became interested in my grades.

"Maybe no one's emailing you because you failed!" he yelled impatiently, even standing up. I let him storm out of the house while I kept waiting—when suddenly, my two friends video-called me.

"Did either of you get it?" we all asked at the same time.

"I've been so nervous, you guys know I didn't even get to review... what if I fail... what'll happen to my life if I don't graduate—it's like I just wasted a year if I have to repeat." I admitted what I was feeling.

"Girl, you have plenty of options—either continue singing or just become a stripper," Lexi joked.

"Why not both?" Jeisha chimed in, and I just rolled my eyes at them and refreshed my phone again.
I know they're just joking, so I wasn't hurt.

"If that does happen, then yeah, you should keep singing. Because either way, you'll have to focus on your tours or whatever, and you'd be missing classes. Just enroll again next sem, right?" Lexi suddenly got serious.

"Or we could talk to your professors, let them know what you went through before the exam, so maybe they'll give you consideration—"

"I don't want anyone to know what happened to me..." I cut Jeisha off.

"They won't share your private info with the media, that's illegal. And if they do, we can sue them," she replied, and I went quiet.

I don't know if I'm ready to face that. It feels impossible to retell what happened.
I feel like people would judge me, or worse, pity me. That would only break me more.