one girl. one past.

GOING INSANE

I cry i just wanted to be a normal kid. normal with a mom and dad or a dad that actually cared and loved me. I rock "your fault your fault your fault" i feel my nails digging into my sides. I did not stop myself i loved the pain and wanted more. I don't know how long i set In the bathroom rocking and trying to shake the memories that therapy was supposed to get rid of. My eyes burned and my throat was dry and my feet and sides burned. I stop rocking and stare at the floor not crying no more had no more tears to cry.
___flash back___
"Hey kiddo where you been? Dinners getting cold" dad says smiling and rubbing my head with his nuckles i giggle it must have been one of his good days. I shrug him off me "sorry daddy i was doing home work" i say smiling "okay but remember gotta keep my baby girl healthy mommy would have wanted it" he says with a sad smile "she wouldnt have cared but ill eat for you" i say he stands with anger "she cared for you for both of us and you know that" he says leaving i eat alone sad that i made him mad i feel a knife to my throat "your fault she died why would you kill my beautiful queen why would you kill her you killer" he says a tear falls from my face "I'm sorry daddy please I'm sorry i didn't mean to make you mad I'm sorry" i say the achol on his breath told me he had been drinking "stop apologizing your a monster you killed her its all your fault" he yells as i push away from him trying to get the knife he hits me with his elbow. My nose starts to bleed and i cry out in pain "no daddy please i love you i didn't mean to I'm sorry" i try to reason as his fist meets my face
___End of flash back___
I feel arms wrap around me "kk I'm here are you okay? do you need me to call 911?" Josh says i stare not listening to him. Why was he here? what did he want with me? Who would stay this long? "Kk please answer me kk please" he shakes my sholders me not responding as a tear falls from my eye "my fault" i say "what? kk what is your fault? kk no please answer me?" Josh says with panic in his eyes he tries to move me i scream a horrific scream and he stops he looks at me scared. "Kk please i need to get you help" he begs as he tries to lift me again i scream again. he looks at me sad and runs his hand through his hair in thought then leaves. He comes back with jessie. "She won't move and won't let me move her her foot is bleeding and she needs to eat" josh says panic setting in his voice. Jessie walks over to me "kk what's wrong?" He says i stare don't they get it I'm fed up with living i just want to die. I want these memories to go away and all this to leave too. "She said my fault what does she mean? She isn't listening" josh says "kk no no no not your fault its hers she did it not you it was her choice not yours kk please no not again" he says like he knew me. It was my fault i know it was. He told me it was he told me i was a killer. What did he know he don't know what I'm going through. "Kk I'm going to bring you to bed now i want you to know it wasn't you it wasn't you it was her choice." Jessie says picking me up i lay my head on hus chest and held his arm with my hand. "What is wrong with her? Was it something that happened yesterday?" Josh asks as Jessie lays me in bed i lay staring at the ciling "josh she was in a bad place at one time i dont know if i should be the one to tell you" jessie says moving the hair out of my face. "Tell me please" josh begs as Jessie covers me up. "Her mom died and she blames herself" Jessie says with a sigh "how did she die?" Josh asks as Jessie opens his mouth to speak i scream and cover my ears. I set up and pull my knees to my face and cover my ears and rock back and forth. Jessie crawls onto the bed and hugs me and rocks with me. "Kk no no kk please stop shhh it wasn't your fault" he says i cry staring again. I have to cut i need to cut let me cut my mind repeats. "D..do i need to call someone or get something" josh says in panic. Jessie kisses my forehead "kk its going to be okay your going to be okay" Jessie repeats. I close my eyes and try to forget the memories. "She will be okay just wait it out and confort her if it gets worse come get me" Jessie says as i feel a kiss to my cheek. Then it got quite. I feel Jessie leave. The room was dark as i open my eyes and josh is setting in the chair at the side of my bed with his face in his hands. I got to get up i can't let him see me like this I'm a freak.