"What I'm trying to say is, I can keep a secret, for as long as I like. I can take secrets to my grave." her tone lowers, their eye contact doesn't ease, "But I need you to promise me you'll do that too. Because if you do, we'll be okay. We'll be sa...
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Vivi's sure the air in France is different.
Is convinced of it already on the third day as she sits outside in silence and actually enjoys it. And it's groundbreaking. To her at least.
It's the first time she's done something like that in forever. That's what almost six months feel to her. Six months without silence is forever.
Somehow, in the bliss of it all, her mind wanders off, different and random thoughts pop into her head as if she's playing a round of Whac-A-Mole. Smacking them down, one by one, as she tries to clear out her head. In the midst of it all, she ends up thinking about the time she turned eighteen. When her world was quite different. It was like a whole new life opened before her eyes. She had a good friend group around her and they threw her a surprise party that was all funded by her father. It had everything. A huge cake. Luxurious presents. A magician. Cocktail bar. Everything you could possible dream of.
And she couldn't imagine being happier.
Back then she could've never thought of spending her days alone. Every evening she had to have company so her friends would stay over and they'd go clubbing and return home at four in the morning completely pissed. It was amazing, freeing even, while it lasted. She thought that was the life she'll always have and always would want.
If her eighteen year old self would see her right now, she'd call her a grandma. A widower even. She'd shake her head and wonder what the hell went wrong.
Nothing went wrong. People grow out of their old selves and friends. It's not a crime to do so. At some point she just started feeling bitterness exuding from her friend group. Bitterness she still doesn't want to believe in but her heart knows it's the truth. They weren't as financially lucky as she was and it started to show in their friendship. Comments were thrown in the air about her funding their joint vacations alone, nonchalance towards her own struggles was strong because 'You're rich, how can you be depressed?', jealousy over useless materialistic stuff. Eventually Vivi stepped out because she couldn't take it anymore, is too kind to everyone to ever really speak for herself so it was a better choice to leave than to fight.
Vivi would rather blame herself for it all because she still believes there's good in her old friends and their friendship wasn't built around a vain lie.
Change is good.
It's what Vivi tells herself when she thinks about her old friends and wonders where they are now. Are they still going out every weekend and stumbling back home with one shoe missing and hair all over the place? Are they still just as lively as before? Because Vivi isn't.
But sometimes wishes she is.
It's the silence's fault that she's thinking. Thinking.
