Reflections - Tay Jardine & Jenna McDougall (Wattys2015)

23 - Catastrophe

Jenna POV

Tay and I have been dating for almost three months. Things have been going good. Neither of us has said 'I love you' yet. 

It's the few days of tour, and Tay has made arrangements to come to Australia with me. We're going to stay there for a few months, then come back to Poughkeepsie. I should be thrilled about that, right? But, I'm not. I mean, Tay and I are great together, and I don't want anything to change, but I also want everything to change.

I never felt this way in my relationship with Vic. Before I broke up with him, I felt horrible and guilty, but I don't feel that way now, even though I should. Because in all honesty, I don't want Tay to come home with me. Not as much as I did three months ago.

I'm sitting in the back lounge of my bus, absently staring at the TV. Tay and I are supposed to hang out later.

"Hey, Jenna," Matt says and sits next to me on the couch. "What's up?"

"If I tell you something, you have to promise not to judge me, and you have to swear you wont tell anybody."

"I swear. Jenna, what's going on?"

I take a deep breath. "I'm scared that Tay's going to tell me she loves me."

"That's not a bad thing. It's different from how you felt about Vic. And it's a good thing that she loves you." I break down, not caring about how loud I am. "You're scared that she loves you because you don't love her."

"I'm a terrible person."

"How long have you felt this way?" he asks.

"A couple of weeks. I can't keep this up for much longer. I can't let her come halfway across the world with a girl that doesn't love her."

"But, Jenna, you two seemed so perfect, so happy. It was so different from how you acted with Vic. Why?"

"Because I think I was actually in love with Vic at one point, and I haven't felt that for Tay. With her it's only been lust."

"You have to tell her."

"I promised myself that I would never break another heart," I struggle with the sentence, because deep down, I know it has to be done.

"You can't do this to her. Jenna, I love you, but I also love Tay, and I love what you two had. And she deserves so much better than being pushed aside and feeling unwanted."

"I've already put her through so much."

He gets up. "Jenna, this tour ends in three days. You cannot let her come to a different continent to be with someone who doesn't love her. You have to end things with her. It's gonna hurt like a bitch, but it has to be done."

I nod. "You're right. I'll do it tonight. She's going to hate me, isn't she?"

He gives me a sorrowful look. "I really hope not."

He leaves and I'm alone with nothing but my own thoughts. Breaking up with her is for the best, even though it doesn't feel like it. Matt's right; Tay deserves so much better than me, than someone who doesn't love her the way she should be loved.

Why does it always have to end in heartbreak and hatred?

The last line is how y'all are gonna feel about me for writing this. I know you're gonna hate it, but stick with me.

XoXo

~XhannahX