Reflections - Tay Jardine & Jenna McDougall (Wattys2015)

8 - Decode

Tay POV

I've lost count of how many times someone on my bus has asked me if I like anyone. I get asked at least six times a day. I'm so fed up with listening to it, I decide to answer, "Yes."

The problem now is they're trying to guess who it is.

"Guys, I'm not telling you until I see where it goes." I say finally.

"Is it Jack?" Cameron asks.

"No."

"Is it--"

"Cameron fucking Hurley, I am not telling any of you who it is until I can see where the relationship goes."

"Someone's pissy."

"You would be pissy too if you got asked the same question ten times a day!"

Jordan sits on the couch next to me. "Tay, it's fine. You can tell us when you're ready."

"Thank you."

"Can I ask you one question?"

"That was a question."

He rolls his eyes at that. "Do you really like this guy?"

My heart rate picks up. I haven't told the guys I'm a lesbian. Or bisexual. I honestly don't even know. I didn't feel anything when Austin and I kissed, but I felt everything when Jenna and I did. I've had crushes on boys my whole life, but this one girl comes around and it's like she's the only one I want to be with.

Confused. That's what I am. Not a lesbian, not bisexual. Just confused.

"Yeah, I really do." I hope the guys are as oblivious as I think they are. I love them all to death, but I want to figure this out for myself before I tell them.

"Well, whoever he is, he's a lucky guy. Any guy would be lucky to have a girl like you."

"A girl like me?" I question.

"You're beautiful, smart, kind, funny, and talented as hell. You're not afraid to speak your mind. Tay, you're the complete package. If you weren't like my sister, I would probably ask you out."

I give him a side-hug. "Thank you, Jordan. I really needed that."

"Anytime."

My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and see the name Alex on the screen. I open the text message and read, hey can you come over? I wanna talk.

I quickly text back, sure.

I look at Jordan and say, "I'm gonna go out for a few minutes."

"Are you meeting up with your mystery man?" He raises his eyebrows in what he calls a "sexy" way.

"No, it's just Alex." I lace up my Vans, and grab my lanyard with my keys on it.

"Remember we're playing at three!"

"I'll be back in, like, twenty minutes."

When I get to All Time Low's bus, it looks empty. I knock on the door and wait. Alex answers and pulls me inside. "What's going on with you and Austin Carlile?"

Am I going to have to lie to everyone? "I don't know yet."

"Am I really that good at setting people up?"

"I'll tell you in a few days." I start to trace the outline of my Simba tattoo.

"So," he asks. "Have you guys kissed yet."

"No, not yet." Another lie.

"To be honest, I didn't think Austin was your type. I pictured you with Brian."

"Thanks, Alex." It was only slightly sarcastic. "I gotta go. I'll see you later."

He waves goodbye and I leave. I want to hang out with Jenna, but I have the constant fear that she doesn't want to see me.

I decide to go back to my bus and relax until sound check. I sit in my bunk and scroll through Twitter.

@AlexAllTimeLow: I am a genius

I'm pretty sure he's talking about "setting up" me and Austin. For now I'll let him believe that. Soon enough, Jenna and I should have some news about our relationship. Whether we're girlfriends or friend-friends. Maybe if we don't work out I'll try to date Austin. He seemed into the idea yesterday.

Maybe I am a bitch. I kissed Jenna, after telling her that I basically hate her. Then I make her wait to see if we should date. I don't know if she agreed to the idea because she thought the same things I did, or so she didn't lose me.

I seriously hope it's the latter.

I want to rip up our stupid agreement, and burn it. I want to be with her. I want to hug her, and kiss her, and fall asleep in her arms. I want to know all her quirks, her habits, and everything that makes her Jenna McDougall; the energetic, Australian singer.

It may kill me if she doesn't want the same things. What if she only wants a Warped fling? I want a real relationship, not some meaningless hook up. But I'll do whatever to make her happy. And I really hope she would do the same.

I can't find the words to fit this into a song, so I write a letter. Who knows, maybe one day I'll give it to her. I just hope we're together long enough.

I know I should stay positive, but I can't seem to keep a positive thought in my mind longer than ten seconds.

I finish the letter with the sentence: Jenna McDougall, what are you doing to me? Love, Taylor.

I never use my full name, but ever since she called me "Taylor" I can't get it out of my head. The only people that call me by my full name is my family, but they hardly do it anymore.

I fold the letter, stick it in my notebook, and put it under my pillow. I plug my earbuds into my phone, and search my music until I find My Favourite Thing by Tonight Alive. I bought all of their albums the other night.

I know this song isn't about me, but I hope one day she'll sing it to me.

I start imaging a whole future with Jenna. Married, with a house, and a dog--definitely. Maybe even kids. We can have a house in Poughkeepsie, and one in Australia. Summers in Australia, winters in New York. We can go on tours together. Or, we can drive to see the other on tour.

But now I realize I'm putting way too much hope into a future that might not even happen. But maybe too much hope is a good thing.

So. . .

Um. . .

Yeah. . .

I suck. I'm sorry.

XoXo

~XhannahX