Reflections - Tay Jardine & Jenna McDougall (Wattys2015)

9 - Girls Freak Me Out

Jenna POV

Finally we have our first day off. I text Tay and ask her if she wants to hang out. She says yes.

I tidy up the bus as much as I can before she gets here, leaving me about two minutes to make myself look presentable. At the moment I'm wearing a plain black tank top, sweatshorts, and two different socks. I grab a pair of denim shorts from my suitcase and change in the middle of the back lounge. All of the guys left, so I was by myself. I throw a sweatshirt on over my shirt.

I run to the bathroom and take my hair out of the ponytail I slept in. I rip my brush through it, not bothering to be gentle. I quickly brush my teeth, then wait for Tay.

She knocks on the door, and I swear I get butterflies. I settle myself down before answering the door.

I'm greeted by her smile, and the butterflies return.

"Jenn, you okay?" She asks. Crap. I've been staring.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I just want to be with you. I stand aside, letting her come in.

"So what do you want to do?"

"I just figured we could watch movies, or something else if that sounds lame."

She reassuringly puts her hand on my arm. She doesn't realize that she's killing me by doing so. "It sounds perfect."

She sits down on the front lounge couch. I put Aladdin into the DVD player, and sit down next to her. After a while, she curls into me and says, "I'm freaking freezing."

"Do you want a blanket or a sweatshirt?"

"No. I'm good just like this."

Her head is on my shoulder. I tilt my head until it's gently resting on hers. Her hand reaches out for mine. I interlock out fingers and smile like an idiot. I want to tell her that I want more than this. We haven't even been on a date, but I want more. Not at all sexually. Unless kissing is considered sexual.

"Jenna, can we talk?" She asks, about halfway through the movie. She positions herself so we're looking in each others eyes.

"Yeah, of course we can."

"Where do you see this--us--going?"

"Well, I really want to be with you. But I get that you want to wait, and I'm okay with that."

"Do you want to wait?" She asks. She wont take her eyes off the ground.

"Not really, but." I don't know how to say what I want to say. It may make her hate me.

"But what?"

"Tay, if we're gonna date, you need to come out."

"What?" She's mad.

"You're telling everyone that you and Austin might be dating. Shit travels fast around here. Even if you don't tell everyone, you should at least tell your band."

"Jenna, we're not even dating!" She stands up and tries not to yell.

I follow her actions. "But you know you want to try! I can't date a liar. Tay, the longer you keep this going, the harder it's gonna be to date."

"You're making this too damn hard on me!" She's yelling now.

"Why? Because I came out on Twitter? I'm so frickin' sorry I'm open about my sexuality."

She squeezes her hands over her ears, making it look like she's about to rip her hair out. "Jenna, I am sorry that I'm not used to this. You're the first girl I have ever liked, and I've never had to come out to anybody before."

"Tay, I think you need to come out to yourself first." I clamp my hand over my mouth, wishing I didn't say that.

"I'm trying. I really am. This isn't easy for me either. I'm sorry." She wipes her eyes with the palm of her hand.

I try to grab her hand, but she pulls away from me. "Tay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"I think I need some time to think about this. If that's how you really feel, then I don't know if we're a good idea."

I feel the tears roll down my cheeks. I barely choke out the word, "Okay."

"I-I'll talk to you later." And with that, she's gone. She shuts the door behind her. I fall to my knees and try to control my sobs. I get up and punch the bathroom door as hard as I can.

"What have I done?" I say to myself. This is all my fault. I cannot blame this on anyone.

And the worst part is: I may have just lost her forever.

So another shitty update. Sorry it wasn't that long, but I couldn't think of anything else to add to it.

XoXo

~XhannahX