Reflections - Tay Jardine & Jenna McDougall (Wattys2015)

24 - Break Your Little Heart

Tay POV

I knock on the door to Tonight Alive's bus. My hands are shaking and my palms are sweaty. I'm so nervous to tell her I love her. But Mike was right; telling her I love her wont ruin anything. I'm taking all  the suitcases I brought on tour and getting on a plane to Sydney. I would follow Jenna anywhere.

Jenna answers the door, her face giving a look not happy nor unhappy. I give her a hug and kiss her on the cheek.

I take a very deep breath. "Okay, Jenna, I have something very important to tell you, and I really need to get it out."

She whispers, "Tay."

"I love you, Jenna McDougall. I love you so much and I can't wait to start our life together, starting when we touch down in Australia. I love you and I've never been more certain about anything in my entire life."

She starts crying. "Tay."

"It's okay, it's okay. You don't have to say anything. I know that you feel the same way. And I know that this is a really weird time to tell you that I love you, but it feels so right."

"Taylor, I am so, so sorry."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Why are you sorry? I know that you feel the same way."

She shakes her head. "I'm so sorry."

It finally clicks for me. I furiously shake my head. "What? No, you can't be serious."

"I am."

"Then say it. Tell me."

She gives me a look of disbelief. "I can't do that."

"You have to." My voice comes out rough and shaky. "I'm not leaving until you say it."

"Tay," she blinks a stream of tears out of her eyes. "I don't love you."

That's all I needed to hear. Without any further explanation or words, I push past her, and leave.

I run back to my bus, throw open the bathroom door, slam it, and lock it behind me. I sink to the ground and let all my tears fall. Everything feels numb. We were fine yesterday. What happened? How long has she known that she doesn't love me? 

"Tay," Rob says and knocks on the door. "Tay, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm peeing."

"No you're not," that voice belongs to Jordan. "We can hear you crying."

"I'm fine. Seriously, guys, I'm fine. I just need some time."

"Please, Tay," Rob says. "Come out and talk to us. We're worried about you."

I get up off the floor and unlock the door. I don't check to see if my makeup is running; the guys have seen me in worse conditions. I say, "Alright, band meeting in the front lounge!"

I sit on a couch between Jordan and Mike, while Rob and Cameron sit on the one across from us.

Mike says, "how'd it go?"

"How'd what go?" Cameron asks.

"I decided to tell Jenna that I love her today. I got there and I told her . . ." I can't find the words to finish the sentence, because it still doesn't feel real.

"She doesn't feel the same, does she?" Jordan infers. I shake my head.

"Then she's an idiot," Rob says. "Anyone who's lucky enough to be in a relationship with Tay Jardine and throws it away like that is seriously missing out on something great."

I smile. My guys always know what to say. "It really hurts. I feel like there's a hole in my heart where she should be."

Cameron says, "Over time, that hole will get smaller until it's gone, or filled by someone else."

"It'll all be okay," Mike says.

"I just can't wait to get off this tour and go home to New York." The guys nod in agreement. "Now's the difficult part."

"What is?" Mike asks.

"Telling the fans." I say while pulling out my phone. I tweet out:

I don't know how to say this so here it goes: @jenalive11 and I officially broken up

I don't bother saying that it was for the best, because it doesn't feel like it. I don't ask for privacy, because I hope people ask her and she'll feel like shit. I tag her in it instead of using our ship name to remind her of what she just did.

My phone beeps with a notification: @jenalive11 has retweeted your tweet.

She knows that she's done something wrong. She doesn't even bother making her own statement about it.

I get off the couch. "I think I'm going to go to sleep."

Jordan looks at a clock. "It's only five in the evening."

"Jordan, I honestly don't care. Maybe when I wake up, I wont feel like crying until I'm dead." That's truly how I feel. I feel like kicking and screaming and wanting to pull my hair out. I feel like telling Jenna that she's made the biggest mistake of her life. I feel like I should hook up with somebody so I can show her that I don't care, when deep inside I'm allowing her to kill me.

But I don't do any of that. I just lay in my bunk and stare at the ceiling, because if I did anything, I'd lose the part of her that I'm holding on to.

Please don't hate me. I cried while writing this, if that means anything.

XoXo

~XhannahX