everything wrong with my first story

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Carmelo had just finished eating lunch and was heading into the bathroom to clean off Emilio's scarf- Emilio had gotten soda on it -before he got back to class. 

When he arrived in the bathroom, he heard crying coming from one of the stalls.

could've been in the first paragraph

Carmelo noticed pink shoes poking out of (at) the bottom of the stall, which it sounded like the crying ones coming from. Such feminine shoes could only belong to one boy in the (whole) entire school. (That boy was) Rudolph.

Rudolph, more often known as Rudy was a victim of Carmelo's bullying. When Rudy first moved to the U.S., Carmelo had mistaking him for a girl, and had a crush on him, but when Carmelo found out Rudolph was a boy, (so) he bullied (the boy) Rudloph, (at first so) in hopes of the crush (would) going away, but then kept doing it. Maybe it (pleases) pleased him to see Rudy cry.

Carmelo quickly washed his hands, and (then) went over to that stall.

"Are you in there Rudy?" Carmelo shouted, trying to sound aggressive, but on the inside, he was so worried for the kid.

The only response was more sobs, which substituted for a yes.

"What's the matter?" Carmelo shouted again.

"Nothing." Rudy said, his voice just (no more than) a shaky whisper.

Carmelo paused for a couple minutes, thinking of what to do, before he noticed the blood that was dripping on the floor.

"Rudy, do you have a bloody nose? I can get the nurse?" Carmelo asked, growing more worried. 

"Don't get the nurse, I'm fine, I don't have a bloody nose, why would you think that?" Rudy told blueberry boy, the blood dripping on to the floor. (quickly flowing down creating a puddle on the floor.)

"Rudy, I'm going to get(ting) the nurse if you don't come out soon." Carmelo shouted, his voice now showing his worry.

"Don't. Please don't." Rudy whispered, barely audible to the other boy.

"I won't. If you come out, now. Please?" Carmelo was scared that Rudy was in trouble.

"I can't."

"Then I'm coming in, I'll crawl under the damn stall door if I have to." Carmelo demanded stubbornly.

"Carmelo, please don't come in. You don't want to, trust me."

"I'm coming in. I'll give you 30 seconds to get out." Carmelo told Rudy.

Rudy was silent. The only sound was Rudy's breathing, which was very fast and shaky. (and sounded like it was coming from underwater.)

30 seconds passed, and nothing happened.

Carmelo hesitated, and let another 30 seconds pass.

Then the boy decided it was time to see what was happening, as blood continued to drip (flow) (into) onto the floor.

He got on his hands and knees and crawled under the stall, and then stood up.

The lid was down to the toilet, and Rudy was sitting on it. His sweater was off, exposing both arms full of cuts as well as his chest. He had a box cutter in his right hand.

"(Oh, hi) Carmelo." Rudy said, feeling very awkward and scared.

"What (in the) fuck are you doing?" Carmelo whispered, not wanting to scare the boy, now that he had more of an idea what was happening (shouted).

"Nothing." Rudy quickly responded out of instinct.

"Gimme that." Carmelo said as he wrestled the box cutter out of Rudy's hand.

"Give it back!" Rudy whined.

"News flash, these are used for cutting boxes, not arms." Carmelo sarcastically said, smirking, before realizing it wasn't the best thing to say to the frightened boy in front of him. "Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry... I..." Rudy whimpered.

"Hey, don't be sorry. I won't ask anymore questions." Carmelo told Rudy, and stuck out his hand.

Rudy took Carmelo's hand, and stood up.

Then, catching Rudy by surprise, he pulled Rudy into a tight hug.

Without even noticing it, Rudy (both boys) started to cry.

"Don't hurt yourself, Rudolph. Please." Carmelo said gently (cried).

Rudy leaned his head into Carmelo's chest, and sobbed.

When (both kids) Rudy had finished crying, Carmelo unlocked the stall door. Rudy washed his arms, slipped on his sweater, and both boys went to leave the restroom.

Rudy stood on his tiptoes so he could reach Carmelo's face, and kissed his cheek, and then scurried off.

Carmelo just stood there in shock.

a/n- for my first one shot, it wasn't actually that bad.

it's been 3 years since i wrote it. 

im so happy you guys have been with me. 


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