Ang sakit. Sobra. Eto yun. Eto yung sinasabi ni Mama dati na "You will never know how painful love is until someone walk out of your life" and thats exactly what happened yesterday.
When I asked her to give chance on me and start over again with me, I thought I'd say yes. I thought, she still has a heart for me and give me my last chance. I promised her I would never screw it for world if ever. But sarado nga siguro na ang puso niya para sa akin.
I held her hands when I asked her that we should start over again and she held mine too. "Kief....", she was hesitant and she was choosing the right word to tell me.
"Sabihin mo na, Miks.", I was excited as hell for her answer.
"Sorry kung hindi ko na matutupad yung pangako sayo noon hindi kita iiwan.", and my whole world exploded, sobrang sakit, parang sinaksak ng kutsilyo tapos binuhusan pa ng muriactic acid sa sobrang hapdi. Hindi ako makagalaw. Nanigas ako. "We already took chance with each other but things didnt work out. Palayain na natin ang isat isa."
Kung kanina sumabog ang mundo ko, ngayon nagkapira-piraso pa. "Sorry.", I didnt know what was that for. Maybe I was sorry because I was ass. Sorry because I hurt her or sorry for myself. "Sorry, Miks.", and I couldnt hold on my tears anymore. The pain was just surreal.
"Hindi porket libre ang magsorry, Kief, may karapatan ka ng manakit.", she said and I cried some more, "Yes, I was coward because I broke up with you. Sorry I wasnt strong enough to hold on to you, alam mo bakit? Kasi you gave me all the reason to lose my grip. Masyadong masakit at hindi ko kayang magtapang-tapangan." and she was crying too. Seeing how in pain she looked like just tore me apart. Parang basag lahat sa pagkatao. Parang walang natira.
"Sana this serves lesson to us. Para the next time we fall inlove, alam na natin pano ihandle. I have learned a lot from you. All the way from being deeply in love to completely broken. And I want to thank you kase what happened to us made me a good person I am today. Alam kong hindi ako pwde manakit kase alam ko kung gaano kasakit masaktan. Sana ganun ka din."
I couldnt breathe. My eyes were really blurred with tears. My shoulders were shaking because of the tears that I have been holding. Tang-ina, sobrang sakit. Sobra.
"Delete our pictures in IG. Its the first step. I have moved on, sana ikaw din. Pagbutihin mo ang pag-aaral mo at pagbabasketball. I want the best for you. Kung tayo, magiging tayo kung loloobin ng panahon, Kief. But for now, I know hindi pa to para sa atin.", she was also crying. "I dont want to be your downfall, Kief, no matter how sweet it sounds."
You know what's the saddest part? Loving someone who used to love you.
"According to them, you will never forget two men in your life: The one who first touched your heart and the one who first broke it, at Ikaw lang yun Kief so you arent going to be forgotten." Wala ng isasakit pa to. Sagad na.
But I guess I need to let her go. Masakit pero wala na akong magagawa. I need to go on with my life, wala naman kasing pakialam ang mundo at hindi siya titigil sa pag-ikot kahit nasasaktan man ako.
Mika fixed herself, combed her hair and wiped her tears by the back of her hands. She stood up, "See you around.", and walked out of the place. I stared at the vacant seat where she sitted.
I stood up na wala sa sarili, went back to the car and drove off to the hotel. I packed my bags and left. Kahit sabi ko dati na isisiksik ko ang sarili ko, parang hindi ko na kayang gawin yun ngayon, lalo na sa pinag-usapan namin ni Yeye.
I booked the earliest flight I got going back to Manila. I was just crying all through out my trip. "Ang sakit isipin na ang mahal mo, nahirapan dahil mahal ka niya!", I said it to myself. Hindi ko maexplain, gusto ko pang mahalin siya pero ayoko na kase masasaktan siya.
As soon as the flight attendant announced na pwde na kaming gumamit ng phone, I logged in to IG and deleted our pictures as what she instructed me to do. Ayaw ko pang gawin pero kailangan.
I hugged Mama when I got home. Nagtaxi lang ako at hindi nila alam na uuwi agad ako kinahapunan. They all expected that I'd go home with Mika, unfortunately hindi ko nagawa ang pangako ko. "Manong..."
I didnt say a word. I just cried on her shoulder and she hugged me tight. I know my Mom was hurting too because she could see how vulnerable I was at the moment but opted to keep silent and waited for me to spill the bean. "Ayaw na niya, Ma.", she just looked at me at naghintay lang na magkwento ako. After telling her what happened, she hugged me again. Ito talaga ang kailangan ko ngayon, ang taong maiiiyakan.
She
I went back to the hotel crying. Kahit sinasabi kong ok na ako at nakamove on na, may kirot pa rin eh. "Band-aid lang kase ang pinantapal sa sugat mo, Ye kaya nung natanggal yung cover nagkadirect contact ang sugat mo sa nanugat sa kanya.", Kim said and hugged me. Wala si Ara kaya si Kim lang ang naakausap ko, buti andito siya.
"Tama ba ang nga naging decisions ko, Kim?", somehow I also regret na tinurn down ko si Kief. What ifs. What if nagwork. What if bumalik. What if sumaya kami ulit. Ang daming tanong. Nakakabaliw.
"Pwdeng oo, pwdeng hindi. Pero isa lang ang sure ako, Ye, Mahal ka niya at nasasaktan din siya. Nagsisisi sa nagawa niya. Pero I cant blame you, though. Nasaktan ka din kase."
Tama si Kimmy. Nasaktan ako at nasaktan din siya. Kung tutuusin nga quits dapat kami at dapat ko ng ikasaya kase dahil naramdaman niya na kung anong naramdaman ko nuon. Pero the thought of him hurting just eaten up my heart. Parang nadudurog. "You could have chosen to forgive him but you chose to let him go. I just hope na hindi mo yan pagsisihan, Ye."
Just like everything else, staying inlove is a choice and I chose to let go. Tama nga ba naging desisyon ko?
