it's me [muke af]

where the story ends//the fray

where the story ends//the fray

Dr. Daisy's office was the same as it was every week. Luke sat in the middle of the large couch like he's been doing every week for ten years. The window to his right goes from the top of the ceiling to the bottom of the floor, the light from outside shines so brightly.

"Let's try this again," she says. Her voice was more rigid, something he's never heard his leave his psychologist's mouth. "What happened?"

"They died. They burned to a crisp because I wasn't there," he repeated.

"Continue."

Luke rested his head in his hands, rubbing the blue sockets. "I was with Ashton, he was the one I met at the coffee shop. I was doing dirty things with him, and when I got home to find nothing but ashes and sirens, they were already gone." He pulled at his skin, the stubble on his chin sharper than he remembers. "I—I created this world in my head for a decade now. I couldn't handle it, I couldn't fucking accept that they were gone. I should've been there, Dr. Daisy, I should've died, too."

Dr. Daisy stood up from her desk, Luke never realized how short she was. She was rather plump, like most middle-aged women. She had crinkles around her skin, Luke didn't notice this until she sat next to him. She placed her wrinkly hands on top of Luke's. "You don't deserve to die. You hit a very bad patch in your life and did some very bad things. But, you know that now."

"I deserve to die," he cried again. "I cheated on my loving husband with Ashton, then with Calum, and with Jack. They're dead! My family is dead!" Luke pulled his hands away and backed up to the cushions of the couch. He bent his knees, burying his head in between his two knees.

"You've made so much progress, Luke. I am very proud of you. You're taking blame for your bad mistakes. You used to blame Ashton, Calum, Jack, anyone. But, you don't anymore. You have to keep moving forward, it will always get better."

Luke wiped his red eyes. "I shouldn't have cheated on Michael. Michael was beautiful, and kind, and my dream," he whimpered and hiccuped, the memories of his first husband coming on too strong. "Especially with Calum, he tried to kill me, Dr. Daisy. He hit me, he burned me, he choked me. That wasn't lust nor love. It wasn't even a quick fuck, he had so much baggage."

She nodded, resting her hand on top of his own hands once more.

"Ashton was so controlling. He always tried to find a way to Mike or the kids, he wanted to make me stressed out. He just wanted them to know, I should've told him. The love of my life died believing I was faithful. I hate Ashton, I fucking hate everyone." Luke thought of the brunette boy with daring golden eyes. He thought of his brown curls in between Luke's thighs, pleasuring him well into the middle of the night.

He thought of Calum, his dark brown eyes filled with fire and rage. He thought of his tan, tattooed arms wrapped around his neck, pushing him against the wall, forcing himself onto the married blonde.

"You understand you made a mistake. It's been ten years now, you don't need to forget, but you should be a little more forgiving on yourself now. It's okay, it's time."

Luke shook his head from left to right as he broke out into tears once more. His face was scrunched up and he thought of Alex, her beautiful face in tears. He thought of Nick, his whines when something didn't go his way. He thought of Michael, his small, soft skins rubbing circles on their tense muscles. "I can't forgive myself. They died because of me."

"You did not start the fire, Luke. It was an electric overload from the washer, it was not you. You could not have stopped that." Her voice was a soothing tone again, it was the symphony to his last decade.

"They were deep sleepers, did you know that? All three of them," he laughed through the tears, "I remember trying to get them up early for family vacations and all that, and none of them would wake up. It took an hour just to get one of them awake." He slid a hand out from under Dr. Daisy's hands to wipe his running nose. He ran a hand through his hair before burying his face in his hands once more. "I was a light sleeper. When we had a family of mice in the attic, I heard them every night and it woke me up every single night. I would've woken up if I was just in the bed I was supposed to be in. I could've saved them."

Tears began to brim Dr. Daisy's eyes. She knew the two kids, she knew Michael. They were sunshine and rainbows. She knew about the affairs, she knew she could have stopped it. She felt guilty. "It's okay, Luke. No one blames you."

"It was me, it was my fault," he bawled, "They didn't deserve to die. My beautiful family."

It was the little things that hurt Luke the most. Alex would've been twenty-seven, Nick would have been twenty-five. They would be well into their lives, they would be making their two fathers more and more proud single day.

Luke misses waking up next to Michael every morning, he misses going downstairs to see Mike already making his cup of coffee just the way he liked it. He misses driving to work with Michael every single morning. Their lives were a routine, and now it was shattered. For ten long years, Luke has been in shatters, and it's his fault. He knows it's his fault.

They were supposed to be six under the stars, not six feet under the ground.

(a/n) it's not over yet