FORCED TO MARRY AND I CHOSE YOU

50

"Why is your husband recording this again?" I quirk up an eyebrow and ask Mmabatho who's holding my left hand for "moral support." She looks over at bhuti Akani who has his phone out, clearly recording this doctor's appointment. She carelessly shrugs her shoulders to show just how Akani's actions aren't surprising her or even bothering her. She goes back to paying attention to what's displayed on the big screen...Pumpkin. Blame Khethiwe for calling my child that. Now the name has stuck and I find myself using it too against my will. *a whining sound*

We are at my gynecologist for one of my many appointments. And because Pumpkin is such a celebrity,I always have someone or someones accompanying me to each appointment. Everyone in my family including Mthunzi and Khethiwe take turns,as exhausting as it is...I love it because they get to feed my cravings. Ngeke ungilandelele mahala phela,there's a price to pay for being my tail and for getting a chance to see Pumpkin live on the sonogram. And today is Mmabatho and Akani's turn. "Why are you recording?" I finally ask him.

For some reason he likes taking videos of me whenever he's around me and RN he is recording the whole thing,showing the doctor and uPumpkin. He mindlessly shrugs before saying "I'm creating memories hau." "But we have scans for that" I argue but he ignores me and says "shh I'm trying to hear the baby's heartbeat." I shoot him a glare which he again mize,tf!! The baby's heartbeat is literally echoing through this room,how can my voice possibly beat that!? "Will you two keep quiet!" Now his wife shouts calling us into line as if we are a pair of naughty and loud kids. My gynecologist laughs when Akani and I both shy away from Mama bear.

"When are you taking your maternity leave?" The seriousness in his tone makes me swallow the sassy answer I had. Mmabatho is walking besides me while bhuti Akani is behind us,we are walking out of my doctor's practice. I know that he's still waiting for an answer so I look over at my sister in-law for help. "Nope,I'm not getting involved" she raises her hands in surrender as soon as she sees my pleading eyes. "Do I have to?" I now stop,turn around and look at Akani. "You are almost 5months pregnant" that's his argument. "Yes ALMOST" I point out then smile widely feeling like a smart ass.

I mean that ate right!? "Your job is stressful Nhlawuleko." He says in a flat tone. "No its not the job that's stressful. Its the clients." I defend my job and he just gives me the 'and the difference being?' look while Mmabatho dies of laughter. I know that I won't win this!! *sigh*

"I'm on my way" I impatiently spit into the phone while hurriedly making my way down the stairs. Okay I'm lying,my pregnant heavy self only allows me to wobble down the stairs in slow motion.
Him: "that's what you said 20mins ago" he calls me out on my bullshit and I just sigh audibly.
Me: "Mthunzi! I'm on my way!" I yell at him before hanging up.
Someone needs to teach idyan to not rush a pregnant woman. I'm fucken over 6 months pregnant so I'm allowed to be a little late. Or just late in general.

Yep,its been six months already kodwa bathi ukukhala akusizi so we soldier on. I won't lie,I miss him every day...EVERY SINGLE DAY. Worse now because I'm pregnant,on every doctor's appointment I manage to plaster a smile on my face but deep down I'm sad that he is not here. Yes my family and friends are very supportive but they are not him and no matter how much they try...they can never fill in his shoes. He's the one who filled my womb with his seed so he was supposed to be here for the aftermath of it all. The moods,cravings,the baby's movements,hormones,swollen feet, appointments and the horniness.

The good news is,I'm moving on. Finally now I can say that I'm healing and moving on in a healthy way. I have long stopped visiting his grave...can y'all believe it? Nam I don't know how it happened,I just woke up one morning and I didn't feel like going there anymore. I no longer felt like its crucial for me to visit him because if I don't then I'm going to have a major breakdown. That I won't be able to cope. At first I felt bad for doing this,I felt bad for not thinking about him that much. But I was told that,that is a sign of healing and that I'm ready to move on.