Monochrome...{COD}

Chapter 13: Love

Soap POV

I've always enjoyed the park, the smell of grass, the sound of other kids having fun, along with the bright sun hitting your skin. I love the park, "John! Look here baby!" My mom yells from across the way, I look in the direction.

FLASH

I blink, the world goes white, I look around. There she is, at her picnic table,  looking down at her camera, hair covers her expression. "Mom?" I call out, she doesn't move from her position, leaned over her camera. I slowly walk over, realizing, I'm no longer my younger self. Nervousness fills in my chest, seeing her always feels surreal in the moment.

I stand next to table, watching her faced away from me, I take a shaky breath. I watch as she lifts her head, "Little Star?" she calls out. I sit, "Yeah mom?" I respond, she turns to me. Her face isn't as clear, almost as if I had been sitting farther away than I was. Maybe I'm forgetting her face, that way it'll be easier to move on, if I just forget.

"It's been a minute since we've talked, where have you been?" she asks, she faces me. "Been around for a minute, still trying to grasp onto living" I respond. She smiles, or what I assume to be, "Well you look better than the last time you were here, what's changed?" she asks. My eyes shift down, I fidget my fingers, nervous to answer.

"I met someone" I say, "Is he handsome?" she asks. I look up, "You knew?" I ask, she chuckles at my response. "No, but I remember every word you tell me, and from the way you reacted, I assume I was correct?" she says. "Yeah.. And he is handsome, very" I say, little embarrassed to talk about this topic.

"Then why do you look so troubled?" she asks, I hesitate to answer. Thinking back to everything, "Because I'm scared, I want him to stay, but I fear that once he doesn't find me interesting anymore, he'll leave" I say. She gives me a caring smile, "What make you think that he'll leave?" she asks. I shrug, "It always happens, so eventually I just give up trying to have them stay."

Her face shifts from a worried one, "Well what about Samuel? And that small girl, Abigail was it? They're still with you, and they know you" she says. I take another shaky breath, "Yeah... But they-" she cuts me off. "But nothing, you're capable of love, even if you don't think you are" she tells me. She puts her hand on the table close to me, I stare at it.

"... Hey mom?" I say, she tilts her head, "Yes Little Star?" she responds. Ask, "When.." Ask, "Uhm.." You want to know, ask. "When you were.. Angry, like really angry.. Why would you yell the things you did at me?" I ask. She stays silent, her expression still, unchanged from her worried smile.

"Did I actually ruin your life, or was that just something you said out of anger?" I ask, the silence fills me with guilt. "I'm not upset, or angry, I just want to know how. How was it that when I was born, everything I did was sought to be bad? I mean running around, being too loud, I get. But pictures, you love pictures, I know you love your camera" I say.

Calm down, take a breath, "And every picture I'd make for you, you'd tell me you loved them, yet in the same motion threw them away" I say. Her expression still, "Just how you would leave me, hours on end. Seven years old, in a cold house, with a locked fridge and nothing in the pantry. How do you think you did a good job, when you couldn't even tell the doctor my name?"

I look down, pushing my thumb into my palm, rubbing my knuckle. "Yet I loved you, and I fucking hate to admit it, but I miss you. This feeling of loneliness is getting to me and reminding me of the past and I hate it, I hate it, I hate me. I hate my eyes, I hate my body, I hate my job, I hate my life.. So, so much."

She sits, the same position, I realize that I've been bearding her with questions she can't answer. "I'm sorry" I say, I hear silently chuckle, "There's nothing to be sorry about" she tells me. Things don't feel the same anymore, maybe this is a good thing. "Can I hug you?" I ask, for the first time, she places down her camera.