one of them

twenty-one

DJ's POV

The slam of the door echoed through the room.

Something was off.

The solid food, the empty bag connected to the IV that wasn't placed right, the fact his shoulder is the only thing that's bandaged?

And the weirdest thing, that I don't even think I could fully explain, was that he looked alive.

And I know he was alive at the moment.

But his skin had color.

There was life in his arms.

He wasn't losing weight, which I thought most people did in this state.

But the nurse kinda made me feel dumb when I was asking my questions.

But it didn't matter.

He wasn't awake.

He could die.

I mean, I didn't think Johnny would die from his leg being fucked up, but I was wrong. Maybe his shoulder was worse than I thought?

I looked at him. I wasn't sure how long I looked at him.

But I decided to talk.

"Well, I can't believe I'm gonna say this to a dead person. Or... almost dead person... but..." I hesitated. "I hate you."

I paused to decide if this was the last thing I wanted to say to him. Dead or alive. "I hate you." I repeated. "And for many reasons. And I have a lot to say to you. And I'm almost glad I get to say it while you're asleep. I'd never have the guts to say it to your face and I know you said to never talk to you again. But unfortunately, I care about you too much to do so."

I decided what I wanted to say next. "I hate the fact you took advantage of me. I feel weird even saying this out loud, but I grew up with the knowledge that sex was supposed to be special. With someone you love. And I regret that I didn't have that. To an extent. I told you a while back that I wasn't a virgin. But I lied. I was. But I was embarrassed. Because I didn't want you to not like me, because of it."

I thought about mom. "I know you would never know this, but I promised my mom on my first day of high school after some kid slapped my ass, that I would never change myself for a guy. I would always put myself first and respect myself to never do that. And for some reason, I did it for you hours after her funeral. After I buried my mother, I broke that promise. And I tried to think I didn't. I'd find ways around it. But I was wrong. I broke it. And I'll forever regret that. And I'll forever hate you for the fact that you destroyed my promise. You went to her funeral. And hours later, you served me alcohol and went all the way. I was drunk. And you knew I was in a hard spot. And you still decided to."

I took a breath. "And I'm not all that innocent in it either. I know that. But I know you knew better. You're not stupid. You knew that you could make your move, because I didn't have my parents anymore. I was grieving and you knew that it was a way for you to get what you want."

I laughed slightly. "Ponyboy used to always tell me that you get what you want. Dallas Winston always gets what he wants. And you wanted something causal with me. Which is why I kept going back and you kept letting me. It took me by surprise when you said what you did last time I saw you. And I hate you for that. If anything, you probably hate me even more, because you didn't get what you wanted. You wanted to be dead. And I stopped that."

I got off topic for a moment. "Johnnys gonna be okay. I'll be alright. Lots of healing to do. But I just talked to one of the girls parents from that church. He's paying for all of our medical expenses. The one thing I have going for me."

I stopped to think for a moment. "I used to think I could change you. Looking back, I realized I was an idiot for thinking so. I learned that when you have sex with someone, you get connected to them in a weird way. I knew you before. I cared about you before. But I realized over time that I had this different care for you after that night. And I realize now that you'll never care about me. I wasn't special to you, unlike how you were to me. Which is why I would risk my life to save you, but you would never do that for me."

I looked around the room. Still silent. I wasn't sure how much time I had. "I know for a fact if I was in that church you would have let me die there. I realize now, that the only person you care about... is Johnny. And that shocks me. You went in after Johnny. When he almost died, you tried to end your life. Because he is important to you. And my only guess could be is that he showed you what it's like to be human. Something you probably never got before. He showed you the town. He showed you what family is like. And he is always gonna be before me in your life. Because you got so connected to someone that they because your best friend and the closest you'll ever have to a real family."

I felt myself get more and more upset as I continued talking. "I thought maybe one day you'd care about me. I thought you did. I know I was wrong. Months and months I've wasted thinking that something more would happen between us. That you'd grow to like me. Care about me. But I know now that's not the case. And I hate you for making me believe in something that was never going to happen."

I sighed. I realized I only had a few moments left to say anything. "I could go on for hours about the damage you've caused me emotionally, but it's not like you'd care anyway. Not that you'll even know about this one sided conversation. And I can say I hate you all I want. But we both know it's not true. I care about you more than anything. I might even go as far as to say I love you."

I stood up and grabbed my bag taking one last look at him. "I hope to God that you wake up. I hope and beg and pray you wake up. For selfish reasons. So that one day, whether it be a week from now, a year, even decades. One day, you realize all the pain you've caused me."

And I left it at that.