Begin Again (Bucky Barnes)

1

Lily

If you had asked me when I graduated college what I saw myself doing in the future, I would've given you the answer most people dream of.

The American dream that is sold to us in so many movies, TV shows, books and even commercials. A well established career in my chosen profession, then a sickly in love marriage to my soul mate, 2 kids running around that are the perfect mix of both of us whilst living in a white picket fence house.

The perfect life and for a while I did have that, okay maybe not a picket white fence house but still a nice town story house.

But it's no wonder they don't show you what happens after the romantic kiss in the rain or the perfect white wedding, because real life is messy and ugly and the American Dream is utterly full of shit. No one would watch anything if it showed a true reflection of life, because we all want to believe in happy endings.

Guess my heart is bitter because I never thought I would be here at 26 years old a freshly divorced woman and a single parent to a beautiful 3 year girl.

Should I be thankful that I had it at all considering I'm someone who grew up in the foster system and was known as the poor scholarship kid at college.
I really thought I found my prince when John never seemed to judge that I never came from money and I managed to land a great job after graduating top of my class.

I had to unfortunately leave the job after Ruby was born because John thought I should work a job with less hours so I could be home more for Ruby.
Personally I feel like he couldn't stand the fact his wife was paid better than him.

Ruby is the only reason I haven't completely fallen apart, it's hard to crumble completely when you are responsible for the life of another human. She's my reason to keep fighting and try my hardest to keep my head above water when I feel like I'm drowning.

It's funny you suddenly realise as well that people who you thought were friends quickly disappear from your life when your lifestyle no longer matches theirs. They were all wives of John's friends and not one has reached out since the divorce.

My only friend from college moved to England after falling in love and we haven't talked much since because she never liked John and he never liked her. We talk occasionally it was safe to say she wasn't too upset that John is finally out the picture, except I don't want to worry her so don't tell quite how my life is currently falling apart.
Despite not being close she would try her best to help and that would make me feel like a burden and possibly a charity case which I am not.

As I stand in my newly rented shoebox apartment holding Ruby who is asleep in my arms asleep holding her favourite teddy, tears begin to fall freely down my face. The apartment is pretty run down and just about passes as liveable and is one of the less desirable neighbourhoods in Brooklyn.

The cheap wood flooring is dented, the one set of blinds are broken, there's a door missing from one of the cabinets in the kitchen and the bathroom needs some mould removing from it despite the landlord promising it would be done before we moved in.
Guess I should be grateful the window that was broken looks fixed and there's no longer a draft coming in.

Hatred for my no good ex runs through my veins, he blindsided me by slapping down divorce papers one morning saying he feels trapped and doesn't love me anymore, turns out a wife and kid doesn't fit into his lifestyle of fucking barely legal girls.

Apparently I let myself go after giving birth to Ruby and he no longer finds me attractive, of course it was my fault because I should've worked out. He said if he knew what he was getting into he never would've married me to begin with.