Code Blue

~ Chapter 18 ~

Chapter 18
Sunday September 3rd
Mallory's POV

One thing I loved to do was watch the sun rise in the morning.

It was a habit that I formed back when I was living in my parents house.

My childhood was flawed. My brother spent more time raising me than my parents did. The alcohol was more important to them than their children were, and in a way still is. I always tried to be a good kid to make things easier on Noah, although I was a child and didn't fully understand the extent of what was happening. But I knew I had to be good, because my father didn't appreciate if I wasn't.

He never hit me, but he would bring me down in other ways. He would insult me, scream at me, give me extra chores, things like that. As I got older I worked harder to avoid those things, always questioning my moves. Did I do this right? Did I clean it well enough?

My thoughts never caught a break.

I was always thinking.

It was never just quiet. I was never left alone, because my mind always kept me going. I just would always dream about a life where I grew up with two sober parents. Parents who attended my school assemblies or assisted with the class parties. Parents who helped me pick out gifts for a friend's birthday party instead of stealing the easies thing we could find. I just wanted parents who would love me back as much as I loved them, and it ate me alive.

Until I started watching the sun rise.

Most mornings I was awake, either from lack of sleep, studying, or being up early for classes. I would be rushing to get everything I needed to do done in the mornings and racing out the door to get to where I needed to be on time. Except one morning, I had tossed and turned all night long, eventually getting out of bed out of sheer frustration. I let myself outside for some fresh air, I couldn't be trapped in the dark bedroom any longer. So early morning, I headed out to our front porch and just sat. I looked into the distance, and I watched the sun rise before my eyes.

And for once, it was quiet.

It was like everything just stopped.

At least for a few minutes.

It was a calm that I hadn't experienced in a while, when the voices in my head finally stopped screaming at me, and I was able to just exist for a little bit.

It was pure bliss.

It seems so silly, but it was a moment in time that I didn't want to end. I dreaded when the moment was over and life resumed in its same disorderly fashion, but the few moments of watching the sun come up changed my life.

The next morning, I took myself outside again to watch the sunrise. I let out a genuine smile for myself when it had the same effect on me. Anyone driving by must've thought I was crazy to be so giddy over something like this, but they didn't know the full story.

After that, I woke up every morning just to watch. Even on days that I could've slept in, a rare occurrence but one that happened, I set my alarm. I would crawl out of bed, let myself forget for a few minutes, and crawl back under the covers to continue on with my day.

It's a feeling of euphoria that I could only experience for bits at a time, but it truly made a difference for me. It was the hope that I had to one day live like that forever, without the scrambled mess of my mind. It was the strength that I needed. It was the motivation to continue on each day, because I didn't want to miss a sunrise.

If I didn't fight, I would never get to witness the beautiful sight again.

I was sat on the hood of my car, my legs perched to my chest, and my arms wrapped around them in comfort. My chin rested on the top of my knees and my eyes were focused on the emerging sunlight ahead of me. Even after so many years, it never got old to me. I sat there and watched in awe every time, like a little kid opening presents on Christmas morning.