Code Blue

~ Chapter 52 ~

Authors Note at the end

Chapter 52
Sunday November 19th
Mallory's POV

Harry and I crossed a line the other day.

Underneath the sheet our bodies tangled together, and for once it wasn't because we were having sex. Usually when we end up in such a position, it's because we're letting off some steam from the pressure of our careers, or because the craving was too much that it was difficult to resist.

Either way, we only end up in bed together after we have sex. It's not some act that we typically indulge in. We've never locked the door behind us just to lay there and cuddle in the silence. We never hold hands just for the fun of it.

But we did the other day.

The other night I closed that on call door and crawled into bed with Harry. The intention of sleeping with him was never there like he had assumed, but I guess I can't blame him for thinking that when you think of our history. When you think about the agreement between us. When you think of who we are.

My body laid next to his on the small uncomfortable mattress, with my head perched on his arm and his hand wrapped around my frame. In my head we felt closer than ever before, despite not having our lips on one another.

We didn't say anything, which is exactly what he wanted. We just laid there next to one another with no words spoken between us. There wasn't anything needed to be said if Harry didn't want to speak about what happened, and I respected that. I also tend to go quiet when things go wrong, and it's not like Harry is someone who wears their hearts on their sleeve to begin with.

But even though we just took up space together in the dark room, it still felt like we crossed the boundary that we had created.

Harry and I's entire 'relationship' is built upon meaningless, careless, quick, sloppy, hook ups in hidden areas. It's just sex with no emotional ties or strings attached. It isn't and never will be anything more than that, because we both know that's for the better. There's too many obstacles and roadblocks in the way to be anything further, and it's not like either of us even want it to be anything further.

Harry and I are nothing, but the two of us cuddling together felt like something.

It wasn't attached to catching our breath after being secretive. It was a deliberate act that I created when I snuck into that on call room. It wasn't some accidental meeting that brought the two of us close together. It was intentional, and that was the scary part.

The short amount of time that we stayed there together felt more intimate and close than all of the other moments we've shared in the past combined. All of our illicit moments of panted breathing and eyes rolling back could be attributed to sloppy sex that meant nothing in our heads, but this felt more than that.

And that wasn't what we wanted.

We clearly stated no feelings or emotions, and although we've been known to go back on our word in the past, that's one thing that I wanted to stand true on. I could never risk getting attached to Harry, because I knew that in the end I would only end up hurt and begging for something to be different. The other day just felt like a car slowly approaching a dangerous cliff, and that scared me.

But it was something that I had to do, right?

I knew that Harry was having a rough day, I was able to tell when he approached me in the hallway early on in the day before Maeve had even passed away. He just had that look about him, the one that he wears whenever Stevie is due for her next chemo cycle. It's a pattern that I've noticed of his every few weeks when it's approaching that dreaded time, but it was disrupted the other day for Maeve.