Fog Of a Heart [Hailee Steinfeld fanfiction]

Chapter 11

Hailee's pov:
Tw: mentions of panick attacks and struggle with sexuality
Wednesday 20th of May

I lay in my hotel bed my arms crossed over my stomach and my eyes fixated on the stillness of the ceiling. The calmness of the night pours in from the windows as they reflect countless street lights.

My mind spinning as if it was on a constant rollercoaster. I keep thinking about Cameron, my career, the constant fear of failure and to top it all of the constant struggle of my sexuality has resurfaced after catching some minor feeling for Y/n.

The overwhelming feeling everntually tries to bubble out of me as I feel tears pool at the bottom of my eyelids.

"No, no, no." I mumble.

I can't cry. I hate crying, it makes me feel so weak and vulnerable.

"Fuck, no, no. Please no." The overwhelming feeling shoots right to my hands, and they start shaking. I sit up in my bed as my breathing rate increases. I'm not able to hold the tears in anymore so I let them flow freely, my hands still shaking.

Even in this state I remember a breathing exercise Griffin taught me, when I first started having panic attacks all the way back in high school.

Breathe in.
4
3
2
1

Hold it in.
4
3
2
1

Breathe out.
4
3
2
1

Repeat 4 times.

After that breathing exercise I feel the intense feeling of anxiety slowly slip away as the shaking of my hands comes to a stop and the tears from my eyes dry on my cheeks.

"Fucking hell." I sigh.

All throughout high school I've had intense panic attacks and all of them were mostly due to the stress that was put on me from the young age of 14.

I've become pretty good at managing these attacks and I haven't had one in almost a year now. However now that all of the stress is piling up again the attacks are resurfacing and to say that is terrifying would be an understatement.

It feels as if the world is spinning out of control and I have no one next to me who can slow it down.

When I've calmed down enough I reach for my phone, my thumb ghosting over Griffins name.

I want to call him so bad because I know he will always be here for me. However his life is as complicated as it is already and I don't want to be another burden to my brother.

Thinking for a second I decide against it dropping my phone on the bed before walking over to the balcony.

I open the door enough for me to slip out of the suffocating hotel room. Cold air greets my exposed skin and I shiver a little bit the feeling almost soothing.

My elbows rest against the railing as I lean forward a loud sigh leaving my lips as my eyes wander around the mesmerising sight of New York at night.

A smile tugs on my lips as a thought about the y/h/c girl flashes through my mind. I think I like her but I'm not supposed to. It's wrong, so wrong. But the way she moves, her laugh and her eyes are like a drug I can't get enough off.

I close my eyes for a second observing the quiet of the night through my other senses. The words I was raised on ringing through my head: "you can't like girls Hailee. It's wrong."

It's wrong.
It's wrong.
It's wrong.
It's wrong.

The words ring through my head like a chant, drowning out any other sense of sound.

"It's wrong." I sigh, opening my eyes. "So wrong." My head drops down and I hold it in my hands. "It's wrong." I repeat.

Stella, my manager was my first experience with a girl and that was when I was drunk. So it means I don't like girls right? It was the alcohol. It had to be the alcohol. Liking girls is wrong and I know it.

I know so deep in my bones but whenever I look at the y/h/c girl it feels so right and yet so fucking wrong.

A/n: i was gonna give u guys a happy chapter but i decided to do this instead. Love you! Don't forget to comment and vote!