Fog Of a Heart [Hailee Steinfeld fanfiction]

Chapter 17

Y/n's pov:
Sunday 25th of May

I place a kiss on Jade's forehead, tucking her in a little bit more before turning away from the peaceful child. I turn around locking eyes with Hailee, who is sitting in the corner of the large bedroom on the couch. Her elbows on her knees, and her head in her hands as she flashes me a small smile.

With a deep breath I return the smile, and start to make my way towards her. I take a seat next to her and for a moment we sit there in silence, uncertainty hanging in the air around us.

"You sure she won't hear us?" Hailee breaks the silence motioning to the sleeping child in her bed.

"Yeah I'm sure. She's a heavy sleeper." I answer with a nod.

"Okay." Hailee whispers, both of us falling into silence again.

My heart thumps against my chest as I turn my head sideways looking at the brunette, but she doesn't dare to make any eye contact with me.

For a few more minutes we sit in silence both of us unsure of what to say. I want her, I want to be with her, but I know it will have some inevitable effects on both of us.

Finally she turns her head sideways meeting my eyes. From the moonlight which shines through the window I can see the tears that are glossing over her eyes.

"I don't know what to do." She says, her voice not daring to raise above a whisper. I see her eyes fight so hard to keep the tears back, and it makes my heart break, my eyes filling up with tears as well.

"I don't either." I say.

"I like you Y/n, I really really do but dating you would be really hard in my line of work." Hailee confesses.

"I understand that Hailee." I nod my head in understatement. "I really like you too and maybe we can try to make it work."

"Maybe." She says. "I just don't want to hurt you, and this," she signals in between us. "will really effect my career, it will also put you and Jade in danger and I can't handle that I just can-" she rambles her breathing increasing as her eyes travel around the room.

"Hailee, hey," I cut her off, placing my hands on her cheeks in order to ground her. My action makes her stop talking as she turns to face me. "Calm down. It's going to be okay."

"Is it tho?" She whispers, a tear slipping from her eyes.

"I don't know." I whisper. For a second we sit in silence again and I feel a sense of uncertainty rush through me.

It's been less than a year since I left Jake. I don't think I'm ready to love again. I don't think I'm ready to have a relationship with someone and give them 100% of me. And I am definetley not ready to open up to anyone about Jake, and in order to heal and grow a new relationship I need to do that.

"Hailee, I like you and I want to be with you but I-" I pause taking in a deep breath, to stop tears from flowing out of my eyes. "I'm not ready for this."

"That's okay." Hailee says. "I don't think I'm healed enough for this either. As I said the last thing I want to do is hurt you, and stepping into this when we aren't ready will hurt you."

"I know." I whisper. "I'm sorry Hailee."

"What are you sorry for darling?" She softly asks, bringing her hand up to tuck a strand of lose hair behind my ear.

"This is all my fault, shit I'm so sorry."

"Y/n none of this is your fault okay?" She calmly says. "We found each other at a time when we aren't ready to start a relationship and that is totally okay."

"I guess." I mumble, looking down. "I just don't want this to end completely."

"This doesn't have to be a goodbye sweethart. It can be a see you later." Hailee says, a tear slipping down her face which she tries to cover up with a smile.

"Can we still stay friends?" I ask, meeting her teary eyes with my glossy eyes. "Jade likes you and I still want to see you at Dayglow."

"Friends it is." Hailee says.

Those were the last words said between Hailee and I that night. She fell asleep on the couch while I climbed in bed with my daughter.

I lay on my back arms crossed over my stomach as I stare at the ceiling, countless thoughts racing through my mind.

I want her so so bad, but if I get her now one of us if not both of us will end up hurt in the end and I'm not sure if I can handle getting hurt again.

Jake broke me and that's a fact. He took everything I loved and crushed it in between his fingers, along with bringing down my self esteem of course. He broke me and called it love.

I hate him for what he did. I hate that because of him I'm petrified to love or even like anyone else. I'm sacred of what Hailee makes me feel, I'm scared that I will hurt her and most of all I'm scared that I'm not enough for her.