to live for the hope of it all.

Chapter 46

December 25th, 2023

"He got that boyish look that I like in a man,
I am an architect, I'm drawing up the plans,
It's like I'm seventeen, nobody understands,
No one understands,
He got my heartbeat,
Skipping down 16th avenue..."

Bailey

Beckett still hadn't told me what was wrong with him that day on the landing, but I felt better knowing it wasn't about him second guessing me. He'd made it abundantly clear when he kissed me after we talked, and my heart was racing just thinking about the way he lit my heart and head on fire. I had been transfixed on how he pulled me into him, and I barely registered the sound of the front door opening. I hadn't wanted to pull away, and if the way he kept kissing me was any indication, he didn't either.

When Anna walked in, I tried my best to act nonchalant, but even I could hear how guilty I sounded. Not to mention I could feel how swollen my lips were, and thinking about how Beckett had been the one to do it had me turning red.

I'd waited all week for him to kiss me like he had on Friday night, but I feel like no matter how many times it happens, I will never get used to it.

Wren had immediately questioned what happened when she followed me into the kitchen, but I needed a moment to breathe without Beckett in my vicinity.

Because when he was around, I never had my composure together.

When I told Wren, she laughed and I glared at her, but I smiled too. Then Caleb's dad told us about snowmobiling tomorrow, and Beckett's face had lit up across the room with the news.

I, on the other hand, was not looking forward to it. I couldn't even drive a car for Christ sake. Everytime Grandpa Matt tried teaching me, I froze and feared the gas pedal.

So yeah, I wasn't too ecstatic about this group event, and I was hoping I would be able to squeeze in with Wren or my grandfather and just hold on for dear life.

Or with Beckett.

Or with him too. But I could see him and Caleb wanting to race, which terrified me. So Wren or Grandpa Matt it was.

I was talking with Wren about it when I saw Beckett say something to Caleb before he and Beau went upstairs. I waited a while before following after, and caught him coming down the stairs with Beau in tow.

They wore the matching beanies Anna had gotten them this morning, and the butterflies in my stomach went wild at the sight of Beckett doing something like this with Beau.

It was cute, really cute.

I'd forced my voice not to falter after asking him if he wanted to watch some of our show, but I was screaming inside at my slip up. But then his dimple popped, and all my nerves slipped away.

Because I genuinely could not see anything outside of him in front of me and how he made me feel like I was burning from the inside out.

Now, I was waiting anxiously from where I sat cross legged on mine and Wren's bed. Wren had been in here a few minutes ago, but she said she was gonna go read by the fireplace and wished me luck. Which did nothing to calm my nerves as I waited.

Beckett had texted me 10 minutes ago saying they were on their way back, and I kept glancing at the clock in the corner anxiously. I finished setting my new laptop up and had already cued the show, but now I was overthinking this whole thing.

Would he think it was weird I planned to watch it on the bed?

Would he think I'm insinuating something?