to live for the hope of it all.

Chapter 60

April 18th, 2024

"Glass shattered on the white cloth,
Everybody moved on, I,
I stayed there,
Dust collected on my pinned up hair,
They expected me to find somewhere,
Some perspective but I sat and stared..."

Bailey

"Is she there?" I ask Beckett, following his eyes as they look over my shoulder.

"She is."

"What is she doing?"

"Bailey," he smiles down at me. "She's watching you, waiting to see if you'll talk to her today. Just like she does every day."

I know.

"I don't know if I'm ready, Beckett," I sigh, dropping my head to his chest. "Every time I look at her, it all comes back."

But I miss her.

I miss her so much.

We haven't spoken a word since that night, and I was feeling the distance. I knew she watched me during the day, because when I finally felt her eyes leave me, I turned mine to hers and watched her.

Wren looks like she hasn't been sleeping, and my heart aches for her, but mine aches for me. For what she did, and it feels like someone is using it as a punching bag.

"I know, Bailey," he sighs, lifting my head to his with his finger on my chin. "But he wants her there tonight, you don't have to talk to her. Do it for him. And for you, because deep down, you know you want her there too."

I do.

I really do.

My grandfather's health is declining, but he's still there. He has his bad days, and those are like a knife to the chest. But he's still having more good days than bad, and we're accepting the small wins. 

I still feel like I can't breathe most days, but it's getting easier.

It shouldn't be.

Because he's gonna die soon.

And it's gonna break you.

He hasn't interfered with Wren and I, but I hear him on the phone with her at night. She calls him every day at the same time, and I sit outside his door to hold onto her every word.

She loves him.

She hurt you to help him.

But she made him happy.

I just wish she didn't hurt me in the process.

But my grandfather was fading before my eyes, and I knew he was hurting over the fact that Wren wasn't around anymore. Which is exactly why I told him I would invite her to dinner with everyone tonight. His wide, tired smile when he heard that told me I was doing the right thing.

Stop being selfish, Bailey.

Go to her.

"I love you," Beckett said, and like the first time he said it, my heartbeat got a little louder. A little more clear. "I love you, Bailey."

"I love you," I whispered, even though I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. "A lot."

He laughed lightly before turning me around by my shoulders and nudging me in the direction of my locker next to Wren's. My eyes met hers for a second, and then I was ducking my head.

Not yet.

Just invite her to dinner.

Hug her.

No.

Just dinner.

Fuck it.

"Hey," I forced, meeting her wide eyes with my tired ones.

"Bailey," she swallowed, straightening her posture and clearing her throat. "Hey."

She looks so sad.

Of course she does, you're keeping her from seeing someone who means a lot to her. And he's dying, and you're being selfish because she hurt you in the process of trying to make him happy.

"We're having chicken alfredo tonight," I blurt, and immediately cringe at myself. Wren's eyes widen even more, and her shoulders tense as she waits for me to continue. I take a deep breath before thinking through my next words. "It's your favorite. You should uh, you should come."

"Are you sure?" She whispers.

"I want you to come, Wren," I say softly. "I'm done being selfish. He's your grandfather too, and it's cruel of me to keep him from you because I am hurting."

"You have every right to be mad at me," she rushes. "I didn't say it before, and I know it doesn't matter anymore. But I'm sorry, Bailey. I'm so, so sorry."

It matters, Wren.

What you say matters to me.

"I know you are," I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut to stop the tears that are gathering. "I'm working on it, but I want you there tonight. And whenever you feel like it. You don't have to stop coming around because of me, I shouldn't have made it like that in the first place."

"You need time, Bailey," she says softly. "I get it."

"I do need time, I still do. But I'm telling you that I want you there."

"I'll be there, of course I will be."

"Okay," I say, releasing a breath I didn't realize I was holding. "I'll uh, see you later then."

"See you," she says, but I'm already heading towards my class.

She'll be there.

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