Ich Liebe Dich, Lena ~ pt 2

☆ Twenty-Two ☆

We went back to the hotel room and had extreme sex. I'm talking riding, doggy, missionary, shoving a dildo up his ass, sucking him off, him eating me out. We came at least 5 times. We were laying down on the bed and we were both completely destroyed. I heard some barks from Daxie. My little pup. She went crazy when we let her in. She was licking my face and all sorts of stuff. We all cuddled up together and I knew I had to be honest with Lando.

"Is now a good time to tell you that I forgot my birth control again...?" I said. I heard Lando groan and he sat up on the bed.

"Seriously? Why do you do this to me?" He said

"I forgot, okay? plus it's not like the last 3 babies we've tried to have survived" I said

"Yeah, I know. But still, Lena. When are you going to learn to be more responsible with your body?" He said

"when it stops giving me signals to throw myself off something. I quit smoking for you because you wanted me to be more responsible. didn't you say last time we had a miscarriage that you wanted to keep trying until we got a baby?" I said

"I did. But we can't keep going through this"

"but I don't want to go through any other ways of having a baby. I don't want to go through ivf and I want to experience actually carrying a baby instead of adopting or having some sort of surrogate"

"I want that for us too but we need to be sensible about this. We can't keep putting our bodies through this kind of strain"

"I can. All I've ever wanted in my life is to be a mother and my heart shattered into a million pieces after the gun incident. My heart won't repair until I have a kid that actually stays"

"Lena, I know your heart aches for a child, and I want that for you more than anything. But we need to find a balance. We could explore other options, like adoption or surrogacy, while still trying naturally"

"all I want is to do it naturally. I want to experience being pregnant. you know that, Lan"

"I know, baby, and I want that for you too. But we also have to consider our own wellbeing. We can't keep risking our lives like this. Let's talk about other options, okay?"

"we're not risking our lives by trying for a baby multiple times"

"Yes, we are, Lena. Our bodies are not designed to continually endure the stress and trauma of pregnancy loss. We need to find a different way"

"I don't want to find a different way" I said. I turned around with Daxie in my arms and I fell asleep.

I woke up early the next morning. I was standing on the balcony of our hotel penthouse and I was taking a breath of fresh air. I felt Lando come up behind me and he cuddled me. I took a deep breath and looked at him. I pulled up my sleeves to show him my fresh cuts I did that morning. I hadn't cut myself in about a year but I couldn't handle things anymore. Lando looked at my arms and a tear fell from his eye but he stayed calm.

"It's okay... I'm not mad... come here" he said as he wrapped his arms around me. I relapsed after a year and I felt like shit for doing it. We went down to the track for the race and Lando got in the car. I cut myself a bit while he was in the car and I hoped he wouldn't notice but when he finished the race he grabbed my arm and started counting the cuts. He must have counted this morning... fuck... "Lena... why...?" He said. He knew.

"I thought you wouldn't notice... I thought I could get away with it..."

"Lena... this isn't the answer. You can't keep hurting yourself like this"

"I can... I did it when we first got together and I was alright..."

"No, Lena, you weren't alright. You were hurting yourself and didn't think it was a big deal. That's not okay. You're my world, and I can't stand the thought of you causing yourself harm"

"but I'm fine... please don't take me to a doctor... they'll put me in some mental hospital..."

"Lena, I think it's time we do something about this. We can't keep ignoring the issue"

"no... please... I'll end up not being able to see you for ages and I won't be able to do anything... don't make me..."

"Lena... I love you more than anything. And I don't want to do this, but I think it's the only way we can make sure you're okay. We can't keep ignoring the problem"

"if you try to put me in one of them then I will kill myself. I'm not joking. I will literally do it"

"Lena, sweetheart, I don't want that. I want you to live, to be happy. But I can't let you hurt yourself like this"

"don't you dare take me to a doctor unless you want me to break up with you. I will literally break up with you if I end up in a mental hospital"

"Lena... I don't want to do this"

"Lando. if you say one more time that you're gonna take me I will do some unspeakable things"

"Lena, please don't threaten me like that. I'm trying to help you here"

"mental hospitals never work. they just make people more depressed"

"Lena, sweetheart, I'm not trying to put you in a mental hospital. All I'm saying is that maybe it's time to get some professional help for your self-harm. We can try therapy or something like that first and see if it helps before we even consider a hospital."

"I'm not going to therapy. you know how traumatic it was when I went to therapy as a kid"

"I understand that it wasn't a pleasant experience, but we have to try something. You can't keep hurting yourself like this"

"I'm not going to a doctor!!! I'm not doing it"

"Yes you are, Lena!!!"

I lost it. I snapped so bad and I smacked Lando across the face. I even caught my nail on his cheek and it started bleeding. I was a fucking abuser... I hit my boyfriend...

"I... I hit... you" I said as I started hyperventilating.

"Shh, shh... it's okay. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. We're both under a lot of stress. Just try to calm down, okay?" He said while holding my face

"I hit you..." I repeated multiple times as I started having an anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe. My brain stopped me from breathing and I passed out. This happened multiple times before while being with Lando so he knew that he had to wait until I woke up.. could be 5 minutes or 30 minutes. He just had to wait.