Fated To Love You

chapter 23

Akk looked at Ayan's face, and his heart ached. Ayan was frowning. He didn’t like that look on him. He never did. Akk never liked making Ayan sad, worry, or even angry. The only expression that belonged to Ayan's face was his beautiful bright smile and nothing else.

"Aye..." Akk stepped closer, taking Ayan's hands into his. For a moment, he had forgotten that this Ayan wasn't his yet. That this Ayan wasn't the same Ayan that stayed with him through the worst of his panic attacks, the one who gave him a reason to live over and over again.  His life line. However, to him, Ayan was still Ayan.

Akk cupped Ayan’s cheek, tracing his cheekbone with his thumb. Ayan looked at him with his beautiful brown eyes, lips slightly parted, and Akk wanted to kiss him until he felt Ayan’s smile grace his lips.

"I will never do that to you, Aye... I will never put in you in that situation. Not again." Akk said softly, the "not again" coming out as more of a whisper.

"Akk?" Ayan said, the confusion in Ayan's voice snapped him back to reality. He had forgotten that they were not alone and that this Ayan was not his yet.

"I mean... I will not put you, Khan or Wat through that because you are my friends, and I care about you guys." Akk said, stepping away from Ayan and finally turning his gaze to his friends, although he avoided making any eye contact with any of them.

"Akk... what did you mean by not again?" Ayan said. He was using that stern but concerned voice that always made Akk fold. Akk couldn't lie to him. He was never able to lie to Ayan. It's a promise they made each other. No matter how ugly the truth may be, they would never lie to each other.

Yet he couldn't tell the truth either. What would he even say? That he did try to kill himself multiple times in the past... future? That things got so bad that he even mutilated his body to a point where his body is littered with scars just to feel something... anything other than the numbness and void filled within his soul. That the only reason he was able to find the will to live was because of the love they shared? Akk couldn't do that. The whole explanation sounds crazy even to his own ears, and judging by his extensive psychiatric record, he knows a thing or two about being crazy.

"Akk, look at me." Akk heard Ayan say, and what else could he do other than to look at Ayan. Ayan was like the sun to his sunflower. Wherever he was, he would turn to him.

"Have you tried to kill yourself before?" Ayan asked him once he turned to look at him. Ayan's expression looked pained.

"I- Aye... it's complicated." Akk answered. He felt defeated. Ayan had that effect on him. He had the ability to win any fight with him just by looking at him. It really wasn't fair, Akk was completely defenseless at this point.

"It's a simple yes or no question, Akk. Are you suicidal?" Ayan asked. His tone, though still pained, had softened somehow.

Akk could feel Khan’s and Wat's gaze on him. They, too, were probably just as alarmed as Ayan is. He remembers very well that during this time of their lives, they were really close, thick as thieves. How does he explain this whole situation without them immediately thinking he is psychotic and sending him to the psych ward. None of the psychiatrists will believe him, and they would end up pumping him with anti-pyschotics, and he has had enough of those that he doesn't want a repeat.

"I was..." Akk admitted, which was true. He had been suicidal before in the future-past. He might have been suicidal even before coming to Suppalo, he just never noticed it. His psychiatrist had explained something about him being passively suicidal and now that he thinks about it he had been feeling like that for a long time. Although he cannot be accurate he had spend such a long time self-loathing that for the longest time he couldn't remember a time were he was truly happy.