Bound to Forever - Book ll

Never Without You

Simon's Point of View:

"What do you mean? A break from us?" I pulled over at this point, not wanting to continue driving as a part of me was terrified that she wanted to leave me. Was I too much of a partner for her? Was I too much of a 'helicopter' husband and father? Was I not good enough? I needed to know, and I wasn't going to get home in fear of her wanting to pack her bags and go somewhere without me, taking our children away and leaving me in the empty shell of a house we called home. I pulled over into an empty parking lot, turning my torso to study her face as she hid her face in her hands. "Kiera, talk to me."

"I can't do this, Simon. I just need a break."

"I can agree that you do, but I need to know what you mean by a break, love, especially when you said you needed a break from us."

"It's not like that," She shook her head. "I-I didn't mean it as in I think we should split, but a break from this whole world I'm in. I feel like I'm drowning and can't keep up. I hate being home because I'm reminded of mom everywhere I look, and I know I can't do anything to bring her back. I'm always crying, always trying to explain a reason why the kids' Nana isn't coming home and that she went to Heaven, having a newborn and two toddlers constantly begging me for something. I love them, I do, but I haven't had the time to take care of myself mentally, no matter how much help I get, it isn't working."

Thank God, she doesn't want to leave me, but fuck, hearing her say that she's not doing well mentally felt like I didn't do good enough to keep her from thinking these things.

"I just want time alone so bad, yet I feel shameful for even wanting that because I've always dreamt of being a housewife with kids running around everywhere and a husband that I love so much, but I didn't realize how much I miss just sitting alone and having a glass of whiskey. With everything going on, the last thing I fucking want is to request time alone."

She had been showing signs of post-partum depression after having Stella, but I also thought she was still going through the grieving stages after losing Eva, but her death and the events that followed were all just masking how she was already feeling, piling on top of her brick after brick.

If she wasn't as mentally and physically strong as she was, she would've crumbled by now.

"You've gone through a lot, Kiera. It's not shameful to want time alone."

"But at the same time, I'm terrified that if I take time alone, I'll end up drowning completely..."

"Have you been feeling...suicidal?" I asked her calmly, my heart shattering because I already knew the answer, and being suicidal is the worst feeling. I had been there many times, even putting a gun in my mouth at one point when my family was killed, desperately wanting to be at peace, but I'm glad I didn't, because I wouldn't have what I do now.

She didn't look at me when I asked her that, and that was my clarification. "How long have you been feeling this way?"

"A long time," She whimpered. "It didn't start settling until after mom died. Every day that you're gone, I'm left in that house and constantly think about how things would be if she was still here. I cry when the kids are napping or when they can't see me, and Jacob has asked me why I've been crying more than he has asked me to get him a snack. I've been keeping it all inside because I didn't want you to take me away to the looney bin and throw me away. I wanted to try and heal myself by giving it time, but the more time I wasted, the worse it got. I was hoping that the plans we made for tonight would help make me feel alive, but that went out the window after what just happened."

"I'm not going to send you away, Kiera. I would suggest therapy, but even when I went, I felt like nothing changed. They just gave me medication and I grew addicted to it, and I don't want that to happen to you."

"I don't know how to even start fixing this, Simon."

"Would you let me help you?"

"You've done more than help me. You've healed a heart you didn't break, yet I feel like my soul is broken. My parents are gone, I've lost a child, had another betray me and almost get me killed and I was stupid enough to walk into that trap... I just don't feel like I'm truly alive anymore. I feel like I'm just in a repeating cycle: wake up, feed the baby, make your lunch for your shift, make breakfast, cry in the shower after you leave because the house is empty, worry about if you're going to make it home, worry about if anyone is going to come after me and the kids after everything that happened, cry over that, dry it up when I know you're coming home so that you don't have to worry about how I feel, and go to bed."

"I want to worry about how you feel, love. That's why I'm here. I would give you my life if that meant you got to live peacefully. You've been through a lot of trauma, far before you even became a mother, and I'm very surprised that you've been able to keep this inside for so long. I know you love me and our kids, but you need to love yourself, too, and I feel like you haven't given yourself enough credit."

"I don't want to give myself any credit. Being a mom is what I'm made for. Being a wife and having babies—"

"That's not it, Kiera. You're worth so much more than that. You don't realize how strong you really are. It's admirable, and I wish that you and I had met far before when we actually did. You saved me from the darkness I suffered through, but I've seen you suffer through things that I would've rather been dead from, but you don't give up, and I'm not going to let you give up now. You need to grow old with me, you need to watch our children grow up and enjoy the creation we made together, you're not going to die alone. For as long as I live, I will make sure that the moment you take your last breath is when we're both old and frail."

Her lip trembled before she let me wipe the tears from her cheeks, moving over the console to sit on my lap, lacing her arms around my neck and pressing her cheek against mine, "I just hope you'd outlive me, because I couldn't live another day without you."