Golden Eyes

T W E N T Y T H R E E

I remember the day my Grams died. I remember the defining silence in the room when I ended the phone call with Bonnie. It was so quiet. I stayed in it for a while, enjoying the peace without my inner turmoil. I didn't say a word after I ended the call. My sisters tried to get me to speak. Their first attempt was when they picked me up from the airport. I couldn't even look them in the eye. My mouth was glued shut for the three days leading up to her funeral.

The first time I spoke was for my speech. My hands shook as I uncrumpled the sheet of paper and set it on the podium. Tears smudged the inking making the poem difficult to read. I did my best not to look to my left, as her lifeless body was in the casket on full display.

I couldn't see her like that. I didn't want that as my last memory of her.

But I couldn't stop my eyes from wandering. And once I saw her I couldn't look away. I was frozen, and the paper fell from my grip.

My chest tightened and the words got caught in my throat. "I'm sorry Grams," I croaked, the dam of tears cracking. "I'm so sorry Grams."

Jeremy had to physically remove me from the rest of the service because I couldn't calm down. Afterward, I gathered all of my belongings and left Virginia with my full intention to never return.

I should have listened to myself all those years ago. Mystic Falls brings nothing but misery. My family brings nothing by misery. If I had listened to myself all those years ago I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now. I wouldn't have a fist-sized hole in my chest. I would have had my happy ever after.

It's been four months since he's been gone and 72 hours since I discovered my emotions collapse over me like a pile of bricks. 72 excruciating hours filled with grief. 72 hours since it didn't feel like my soul had been set on fire.

Depression was a familiar feeling but this was something new entirely. So much pain id gone numb. The ache in my chest only grew as the hours ticked by.

Tiredly, I gaze at the same spot on the ceiling, the watermark shaped like a crescent moon. For the few minutes I'm awake reality sinks in. My chest starts to cave in and my blanket becomes a 100-pound weight. I squeeze my eyes shut praying for it all to end. Then the peaceful darkness of sleep takes over.

The sun woke me before Kol which is odd. Usually, he would have had breakfast already done. I stretched feeling around for him but his pillow was cold. Groggily I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

"Kol?" I yawned. No response. I groaned as I sat up. The shower wasn't running and I couldn't smell anything in the kitchen.

The cold wood flooring froze my feet as I made my way down the hall to the nursery. As I got closer I could hear soft snoring from the cracked door.

When I peeked inside I smiled. He was on the loveseat with his head tilted back. Our baby girl lay on his chest and he cradled her protectively. Instead of waking them both I quietly shut the door and went back into our bedroom deciding I was still tired too.

Just as I was dozing off I felt the bed dip. Strong arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me towards his warmth. A sign of contentment left me as he kissed my forehead.

"Good morning, My Love," he whispered running a hand through my curls. "Do you want to take a nap?"

I nodded and turned my back to his chest. He pulled me closer but still, it wasn't close enough. "Go back to sleep, I'll be here when you wake up."

He's a liar.

The same lie my subconscious tells itself in every dream. It's the only time I can think about him without falling apart.