Maggots are eating at my brain

What if

I've seen some changes and I don't know how to feel about it. I come home lay down for 5 minutes then take my dog out. Once I come back in I eat something and then clean or do homework. While I do all that I listen to sad music or nothing at all. After that I go outside and play volleyball by myself for about 10 to 20 minutes.

I wish my dad was out of prison. I've been so dead set on the fact that I don't care, but I can't handle having to be a parent to my siblings until I'm 18. I wish my brother lived. Things would be different. I would be less lonely, I would have his support, I wouldn't have to be so responsible.

These out all things that our out of my control and I can't do nothing about of course but sometimes I just get stuck on the 'what if', I can't control natural events or things others do but sometimes I wish I was able to do something about it.

If everything went the way I want it to my life would be totally different.

I would have my dad in my life and my parents would still be together. My older brother would be alive and my younger siblings probably wouldn't be here. My mom would have never dated Brandon and I would have never meant shae. I probably wouldn't have my cats. I probably would be friends with different people. We probably wouldn't be struggling financially.

I sometimes wish things went that way, but I also feel that there's no point to reminisce on things that will never be.

Honestly most of the things that make me sad now wouldn't be a problem if my dad never did drugs and if my brother lived.

I miss my dad and it feels wrong.

I've been pushing myself to get better mainly because I feel if I get bad again I'll get dropped. Don't really know if it's true but there's always those what if thoughts.

I always ignore but just wanted to shed some light on them.

I'm tired, but I need to get shit done. I don't have motivation to do anything right now actually.